Popularity Polls Can Go to Hell
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: (Based on the latest popularity poll.) Everyone has a rank number from the poll, but when someone gets attacked for their rank, a war for the top spot has emerged. This will not be serious. At all. Done.
1. Obligatory plot device

**This may be very late, but the DW8:XL popularity poll gave me an idea! Along with one of Gintama's story arcs.**

* * *

**A Koei worker holds up a long sheet of paper. "Here's this game's popularity poll results." Another takes it. "Ah, let's see here... Zhao Yun is number one? I hope this wasn't intended since he's our mascot character. Then these two are second and third. "Huff. Go figure." He rolls up the sheet and tosses it into the portal.**

**"Why'd you do that?!"**

**"Huh?"**

**"We were supposed to put that on the website!"**

**"Oh."**

* * *

**Numbers and arrows appear over the DW characters' heads when they were sleeping. When morning came, a peon yells at the top of his lungs after he ran out of Wei's palace.**

**"Calling all generals! Lord Cao Cao wants a conference with you all and I'm not sure why he could have sent messengers to do this and yes, this includes Jin! The ones that worked for Wei before they destroyed it-" Cao Cao puts his hand on the peon's shoulder.**

**"That's enough..."**

**"Hey, what's that floating above your head?"**

**(26th place)**

**"Yes... about that..."**

**30 minutes later and everyone is sitting at the large table with Cao Cao sitting at the very end of one side.**

**"I specifically made this table for this occasion!"**

**"You predicted you had to invite everyone in Wei along with Jin?"**

**"Yes! This is very important and I have to let Jin in despite them being the tumor of Wei."**

**"Tumor...?"**

**"Slowly feeding and killing off us until we die." He turns slowly to look at Sima Yi very attentively. (8th place)**

**"Also you." His eyes move to Sima Shi.**

**(30th place)**

**"And you." His eyes move to Zhang Chunhua.**

**(29th place)**

**"I think you need to be looking at Zhao..." (28th place)**

**(There is no way that can be a coincidence.) Oh no, no, no! Don't you turn this on me! You bore the children that destroyed my empire, so thus you get part of the blame. Think I'd let you off the hook because you're a woman? Oh no, no, no! I see everyone equally compared to everyone here."**

**"They just laid the foundations."**

**"Same thing. And I blame you also! And you! And you!"**

**Wang Yuanji: 2nd place**

**Jia Chong: 17th place**

**Guo Huai: 58th place**

**"Why isn't Sima Zhao getting blamed?"**

**"Just a moment! And you! You get all my blames!" He points at Sima Zhao with a stern finger.**

**"...Why are we here again? So you could just blame us for Wei falling?"**

**"Back to our discussed topic, I have noticed all of you have numbers floating on top of your heads. I am going to explain to the new people." Yu Jin raises his hand, "I don't have one."**

**"Yes, you came after the poll, thus you don't have a number. Also Xun Yu."**

**"Then why did you bring me?"**

**"I don't want you getting lonely. Anyway, it seems like Koei wants us to rub in our ranks in each others' faces. So let's do that. Ha, I got higher than you, Jia Xu!"**

**"Don't care." Jia Xu flicks the number (27th place) above his head. "Guo Jia got way higher than you and I do not mean the opium kind." Guo Jia (4th place) whispers to him, "Don't just say it out loud like that all willy-nilly!"**

**"Everyone knows anyway." Jia Xu's place number floats near his face and he slaps it away from his face.**

**"These things move on their own. Weird..." Xu Chu looks up at his number and grabs it. (76th place)**

**"What does this taste like? Nom." He eats the number 76 and everyone's numbers went up by one. His number is replaced with a 77 and blood is trickling down his face.**

**"Um...?"**

**"What?"**

**"Nevermind..."**

**"Mmmh... Times New Roman... Om..."**

**"Stop, Xu Chu. That's not good for you."**

**"Why?"**

**"You're bleeding!"**

**"I thought we don't bleed."**

**"Huh. Nevermind then. That might be red wine flowing down your face." The door breaks down to have Wen Yang fall inside nude, mosaic included over his intimate area. (16th place)**

**"Nrrrgh..." The number above his head drops drastically to stop at 136. Everyone sits still staring at the battered body. Wen Yang looks up angrily at the table.**

**"Isn't anyone worried?!"**

**"Not me."**

**"Not me."**

**"I don't know you."**

**"I was dead when you were born."**

**"How about you help him?" asked Sima Zhao to Zhuge Dan.**

**"I'm the one who killed his father, I don't think he'll appreciate it. How about you? Since you are so goddamn friendly."**

**"Ehhehehehe... Um... Heh."**

**"Is no one wondering why my number is dropping?"**

**"Oh, you know about the poll." Hands push Yue Jin (19th place) to the lying Wen Yang.**

**"Hey! Why me?"**

**"You look like you can relate to him?"**

**"No, I don't! Fine. What happened?"**

**"Someone removed my clothing to shame myself and made me drop ranks!" (159th place)**

**"It looks like it is decreasing even more." Now Wen Yang's number is 167. Cao Cao (25th place) rises from his seat and says, "Someone is dragging this... guy... down to increase their rank! That is... GENIUS! That's exactly what I would do! Whoever's doing this, I applaud you!"**

**"That's not what you should be saying!"**

**"Hey, I could have knocked out Sima Yi's daughter-in-law to get her second place crown. But I decided to respect her and not do it."**

**"What if someone were to do it to you?"**

**"Then I would not let them, obviously! Anyway, why is she second? She just stands there! Also, why is Guo Jia fourth? He should be second!"**

**"Thank you."**

**"Maybe it's the blonde hair. I shall dye my hair blonde to at least be third place!" Cao Cao takes out an ink bottle and pour yellow ink all over his head. **

**"I'm blonde now! Can I be third?"**

**"This is ridiculous. All for what the stupid fans think?"**

**"For you, Sima Yi! You got number eight! Maybe I should wear a stupid hat to get your fame. Or shave my face. I'll put on my rubber ducky hat."**

**"If this is going to be happening, I am leaving. No point sitting around while you try to make yourself more appealing."**

**"...Hmm... Leaving already? Something to hide?"**

**"What?"**

**"You could have been the one that beat the man lying on my floor in order to drop his rank."**

**"The only person that can profit from that is someone that is lower than him." Sima Zhao shouts out, "It was Jia Chong! I bet it was him! He's sixteenth now that Wen Yang is er... shamed." Jia Chong sarcastically says, "Ah, thank you for throwing me under the carriage. Even though I wished I had beaten the armor boy, I really didn't do it. Are you sure it wasn't you? You are twenty-seventh place now thanks to him being shamed."**

**"Why would I do that? I wouldn't hurt my general over there. By the way, how are you ranking above me? Huh?"**

**"I am much more likable than you are."**

**"You spend the whole story saying "execute him"! It's the emo make-up. Is that it? Fine, I'll put on make-up and see what happens to me." Sima Zhao takes out an ink bottle and paints his eyes black.**

**"Am I cool now?"**

**"You look like a raccoon."**

**"Ah, my skin is too tan. I'll need to steal Yuanji's make-up for this."**

**"You certainly will not!"**

**"Too bad, I already have some!" He covers his face pure white and pours the ink all over his hair.**

**"There!"**

**"...And that is me when I officially give up on you." Cao Cao continues, "Everyone in this room is a suspect! Even though you are high up in the ranks, you can still ruin everyone else in the process! Am I clear- Pi, where are you going?"**

**"If you won't take the second spot, I will."**

**"Wait! What are you planning? Ah, forget it. Once he makes up his mind, you can't change it. Like when he married Zhen Ji." Zhen Ji (34th place) complains to him,"Hey!"**

**"I am not saying it in a bad way... Sort of... " Cao Pi goes behind Wang Yuanji's seat and holds up a club over her head. Sima Zhao gets up and blocks his blow.**

**"Father! You're right there! Why didn't you stop him?" Sima Yi turns to look at Sima Zhao as if nothing happened, "Oh, I'm supposed to care?"**

**"Get in my way, or your rank will drop with one hit."**

**"Get Zhong Hui if you want to rise up!"**

**"He's only tenth. I want second."**

**"Not if I can help it."**

**"Your face doesn't exactly say otherwise." The two look at each other with lighting eyes. Two clunks are heard and they fall down along with their rank. The numbers drop a few places.**

**Sima Zhao: 35th place**

**"Aw, what?!"**

**Cao Pi: 20th place**

**"Damn you!"**

**Sima Shi stands over the two, "I don't understand how you two rank higher than me, but I'll happily take back my number twelve back." (12th place)**

***He was twelfth place in the DW7 poll***

**Cao Cao yells out, "How dare you do that! If that is what is going to be, I shall beat up Sima Yi to gain his number eight since I can't be attacking girls or else this will damper my reputation even more!" Sima Yi quickly walks out of the room while Cao Cao runs after him. Xiahou Dun (9th place) watches as Cao Cao runs after Sima Yi and Guo Jia (4th place) says to him, "Glad that's not us since we are loyal to Lord Cao Cao, right?"**

**"Think again."**

**"Hm?"**

**"I don't care for these things, and... look behind you." A random generic grabs the top of Guo Jia's pants and yells out, "I shall shame you in order to secure my place at the top!" He pulls down his pants and he snickers. He stops to see the number above Guo Jia's head is not decreasing. He lets go and gets away from him.**

**"Why isn't it dropping?"**

**"Hahaha! I wear a second underwear just in case I were to lose my first underwear along with my pants!-er?" He quickly pulls up his pants and runs away from some more people. Zhen Ji walks over to Wang Yuanji's seat.**

**"I thought I was the cold bitch around here. There can be only one." Wang Yuanji quickly gets up and walks away, but Zhen Ji forces her back to her chair.**

**"You can give me the number, or I'll have to force it off you."**

**"I will not give up my place so easily. The fans have spoken."**

**'You just stood there being the cardboard cutout for Jin. I will not lose to someone like you."**

**"You lust over your husband during your screentimes. I will not lose to that kind of person. I will not give up without a fight." The screen splits to show their eyes glaring at each other. They jump backwards and threw blasts of light at each other. Sima Zhao gets up quickly and yells at Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Why aren't you helping Yuanji or at least protecting her?!"**

**"That's your job since you're her husband."**

**"Why aren't you at least escaping?"**

**"I really don't care about this entire thing." (27th place)**

**"Are you sure? You're pretty high up and someone will come by and shame you."**

**"Aw, that's nice of you to worry, but I am really okay-" She ducks when a blade flies over her.**

**"That wasn't for me, but... I will go..." She gets up quickly and walks out the room. Yu Jin grabs several generic generals and throws them into the wall.**

**"I don't know what are you fighting about, but take that to Shu or Wu! Let your rage be used on destroying them!" Unfortunately, the generals didn't hear them and continued fighting. They also had numbers above their heads.**

**(569th place)**

**(431st place)**

**(640th place)**

**"Those numbers don't even make sense! Get your butts out of here and stop destroying the palace!" Xun Yu slowly and silently goes out the back palace door as Yu Jin throws feuding generals around.**

* * *

**Cao Cao runs after Sima Yi while holding a club.**

**"Come back! I thought you don't care about these things?"**

**"I don't want you pulling down my pants or hitting me for the sake of rising up in the popularity poll!"**

**"When you say it that way, of course it sounds bad!" Sima Yi continues to run away from Cao Cao and he takes a turn into an alley. Cao Cao runs past the alley and Sima Yi exhales in relief.**

**"Huff... huff... I'll just go hide out at my home until this blows over-Gak!" A hand pulls him into a building and the door shuts loudly. Sima Yi looks around in the dark room and the torches around light up. A hand pats his shoulder and he jumps.**

**"Calm down, it's just me." Guo Jia's face (4th place) is barely being shown by the torches.**

**"Since when did this room exist here?"**

**"...I have no idea... Ask Xun Yu."**

**"He's not going be much help if all he can do is watch."**

**"Oh, don't be like that. You're just a little angry on how he's taking your hat style."**

**"It's not that, he can't talk."**

**"He uses a notepad that never runs out of paper for some reason, he can use that. Come on, let's go. There are a few more people that is hiding from everyone out there." They walk farther into the building to have four other people sitting inside, Wang Yuanji (2nd place), Xiahou Dun (9th place), Zhong Hui (10th place), and Xun Yu.**

**"Why is the silent strategist in here?"**

**Wow, you didn't have to say it that way, jerk.**

**"I don't understand why you're here since you have no reason to be hiding."**

**Yu Jin was about to use me as a bat on the generals fighting.**

**"He doesn't have a number either."**

**He's trying to discipline the generals who had numbers.**

**"But generics don't have numbers."**

**Well, they do.**

**"Shouldn't you and Yu Jin have one then?"**

**"Heheheh... Don't over think this, Master Sima Yi." Zhong Hui complains, "I don't understand why we're all sitting in this room. We are sitting ducks when the others find this room. We have a better chance surviving out there." Sima Yi goes up to him and picks him up by the shoulders.**

**"Hey, what are you doing?" He takes him towards the door and opens it to stick him outside. He quickly closes the door and Zhong Hui bangs on the door.**

**"Hey! Let me in!"**

**"You said you have a better chance out there. So you don't need to be protected."**

**"I take it back! Let me in!"**

**"Sima Yi, let him in."**

**"Why should I? Let him get beat up by Deng Ai. He's not going to put up a good fight anyway."**

**"We have to protect the top ten at all costs! The fans have spoken, yet everyone-" Zhong Hui yells at the door.**

**"Are you going to make a speech about responsibility or are you going to let me through the door?!" Guo Jia makes a blank face and turns away from the door.**

**"Fine. Stay out there."**

**"Hey! I'm sorry! Let me in! Ah! I see dust being kicked up along my way!" Sima Yi asks Guo Jia,****"What about your little talk about "protecting the top ten"?"**

**"It's "protecting the top nine" now. That kid's a dick. Let him get run over by angry generics." Yelling is heard from behind the door. Guo Jia walks back to the three sitting down.**

**"You three are quiet."**

**"Mmh."**

**"Mmh."**

* * *

**"Go get the list back!" yelled out a Koei worker at another Koei worker.**

**"Can't we just we type it up again?"**

**"...Oh no... I forgot to save! I always forget to save! Goddamn it!"**

**"Can't we just look up-"**

**"It's all gone. The paper file was thrown away since we got all cocky about computers."**

**"Damn... Um..." Akihiro Suzuki walks up to them.**

**"Are the results on the site yet?"**

**"...No."**

**"Why not?"**

**"He threw the list into the portal!"**

**"Why did you do that?"**

**"...A plot device...?"**

**"A what-what? Huff... I'll send out someone to collect it. TAKASUGI!" A door opens near them. Takasugi walks out of it.**

**"What now?"**

**"Go into the portal and retrieve the popularity poll list."**

**"Why don't you go? Or those two there?"**

**"Now we all know you're very comfy with the characters. You can easily get in and out."**

**"You just want to be lazy-"**

**"Bye." Akihiro Suzuki pushes him into the portal room. He stumbles and falls on the floor.**

**"Ow! Your aim's a bit off."**

**"Hi-ya!" Akihiro kicks him, sending him into the portal.**

* * *

**A tear opens in the middle of a wall and Takasugi is seen flying out of it.**

**"Ow... Okay, where's that list... Yes!" He sees a long piece of paper stuck onto a bush. He reaches for it, but a generic lands in that bush and the paper comes loose to fly away in the wind.**

**"Ah!" He runs after the paper flying in the air. The paper flies away from his sight when he stops to catch his breath.**

**"Grr... I'm going to have to wander around here until that paper flies back to me-Gah!" A generic (967th place) barrels into him.**

**"Ow! Watch where you're throwing people!" He sees a foot and he looks up to see Yu Jin's glaring face.**

**"Oh... I am not part of all this! I'm just looking for this long piece of paper!"**

**"You mean the one that just flew within the city walls?"**

**"Yes! Errr!" He struggles under the body on top of him. "EEEEER! This guy needs to lay off the meatbuns!" Yu Jin lifts the generic off of him.**

**"Thanks. I see this guy had a number on his head. Why don't you?"**

**"I was not in the poll yet."**

**"But these generics aren't in the poll."**

**"Do I look like I have the answer to that? Move along. Go on."**

**"Okay, okay." Takasugi walks away and into the city that Yu Jin pointed to. He comes across a naked Zhong Hui lying on the ground. A mosaic covers his intimate area. The number 143 was floating above his head.**

**"Oh. Hi. Going around in your birthday suit? Was this acceptable back then?" Zhong Hui looks up angrily.**

**"Of course not! Are you going to help me or not?"**

**"I don't feel like it. Bye."**

**"Hey! Come back!"**

**"I'm just going to let you be nude there."**

**"I didn't choose this!"**

**"It chose you, I get it."**

**"No! The stupid hat guy and his dumb blonde friend left me out here to die!"**

**"...It's not dying when you're naked and lying in the street with no wounds. So I'm guessing you're talking about Sima Yi and... um... How many blonde people does Sima Yi know?"**

**"Two!"**

**"Now, now. I don't need help from a naked guy lying in the middle of the street. Um... there's Guo Jia... Wang Yuanji... I saw Ma Chao's hair once. It was blonde, but Sima Yi doesn't know him personally."**

**"Come on! You know Yuanji is not friends with her father-in-law! I saw him throw her into a pond along with Sima Zhao!"**

**"Oooh, she gets part of the punishment? Brutal, man. But this is Sima Yi we're talking about here."**

**"Of course that lady in the hooker dress came and threw him into the pond after he did that."**

**"Now, now, Zhong Hui. That is a bad word. Hooker... Say "woman who's business is to pleasure someone sexually". Though she has done that to him..."**

**"That's longer!"**

**"Oh well, did you see a long piece of paper fly by?"**

**"My face was on the ground this entire time!"**

**"Then why aren't you getting up?"**

**"I feel so embarrassed..."**

**"Your butt is being exposed. Though that mosaic is the only thing that's keeping your dignity in place." **

**"Do you have something to cover my... there?"**

**"I have these McDonald's napkins. Here, I stole too many. Unless you need only one..."**

**"Ha, very funny." Takasugi drops a small stack of napkins near Zhong Hui. He looks to his right and sees a steel door in an alley.**

**"Hey, what's that lead to?"**

**"Didn't you hear me the first time?! The stupid hat man and the dumb blonde are in there!"**

**"But... it's so... anachronistic... I don't think you people used steel for your doors... Oh well, I can go take a peek in there." He walks to the steel door and knocks on it. He tries to pull on it and it doesn't budge. **

**"I have no idea what you're doing in there with Guo Jia, Sima Yi, but if I can get a picture, it would be worth thousands on Ebay and SexyYaoiStuff. Net. It'll push our budget through the charts." A voice yells from behind the door.**

**"Get your mind out of the gutter!"**

**"Trust me, Sima Yi's the last man I'd want to see in my bed. Then again, why would I be sleeping with a man in the first place? I mean, I may open-minded, but not THAT open-minded. I have standards."**

**"Standards? You peek in the women's changing rooms. Including the ones where my daughter-in-law and wife reside in..."**

**"Is it that bad?"**

**"I don't know... you're old enough to be their uncle, so yes. It's bad."**

**"Wait, how old is your wife?"**

**"I... don't know..." Takasugi teases from the door.**

**"Shame on you, Sima Yi, you don't know how old your wife is. What a terrible person you are."**

**"It's not my fault she looks old and young at the same time."**

**"That's how I feel about you. You're old and young at the same time."**

**"Soooo... Is it okay if I peek at her?"**

**"Eeeeer... You know what? I don't blame you. Her chest is nice, so I guess want to take a peek at that."**

**"You're encouraging him?!"**

**"If you're so uptight about this, make Zhang Chunhua wear something other than that hooker dress. Make her wear a bra, something that covers her basketball sized boobs! Lian Shi's dress is more covering than that!" **

**"Basketball...?"**

**"I should bring you one to get that point across. So why are you two hiding in some doomsday bunker?" The door opens to show the two with the numbers above their heads.**

**(4th place)**

**(8th place)**

**"Oh, you two have that."**

**"Cao Cao was trying to make my rank drop in order to increase his own."**

**"And some random generic tried to pull my pants down to drop my rank. I know that sounds weird out of context, but that's what happened."**

**"Why it didn't?"**

**"I have a second underwear." **

**"Why...? Nevermind, don't answer that. So anyone else trying to hide in there?"**

**"Yes, Xiahou Dun and that little blonde girl. Her name always slip past me."**

**"Wang Yuanji."**

**"There it is. And Xun Yu's just sitting in there because he's scared of Yu Jin." **

**"Aren't you bored?"**

**"Of course, but it's better being stripped down and having your rank drop fifty places."**

**"You care?"**

**"Sort of. Sima Yi doesn't care, Xiahou Dun doesn't care, Wang Yi doesn't care."**

**"Yuanji."**

**"Sorry, I'm just used to saying "Yi" after the "Wang" part. You have to admit being the top ten does have perks."**

**"You know hiding in here will not help. Until I can find that paper, those numbers will not be erased. You're stuck having a number that'll make people pissed. Besides, you can protect yourself. Can you? You have a magic stick and balls-That sounded wrong, let me rephrase that. You have a magic thing-No. A magic show as your weapon. Pool cue and ball, yeah that sounds better. That can mess someone up. Now for Sima Yi's whip, hehehe... No. Unless he can use his lightsaber feature, he's screwed."**

**"I can't just use that when my dignity is on the line!"**

**"If all else fails, kick the threat in the balls."**

**"But what if it were a woman-"**

**"Oh, that. Um... Well, it's a sausage fest here, so you won't have to worry about that. So you can just go outside and have an excuse to beat someone else up. I have to find a paper. Can you guys keep an eye for a long piece of paper flying around? If you catch it, I'll happily take it back and make sure this mess won't happen again." He leaves the bunker. **


	2. I'm so mean to Xu Shu

**At Shu, a similar problem has arose. People had numbers on their heads and this made people attack each other to get the higher number. Zhao Yun runs from a large mob and dodges many attacks. The number one was floating above his head, rubbing it into everyone's face.**

**"Huff... huff... This number floating above my head is not helping me here... Hmm..." He looks ahead to see Xu Shu being chased down by his own mob. The number three was floating above his head.**

**"Ah! Ah! I'm sorry! I don't what I did to deserve this! Huff... huff..." **

**"Ah-ha." Zhao Yun runs towards Xu Shu and Xu Shu looks at him in relief.**

**"Master Zhao Yun! I'm glad you're-Goh!" Zhao Yun jumps on Xu Shu's face and bounces off to bounce off several other people. **

**"Ah! Why did you do that-" The mobs that was chasing Zhao Yun and Xu Shu crash into Xu Shu from both sides. This created a large pile of people and Xu Shu manages to crawl out from under.**

**"Huff... huff... Why...?" He sees foot and he looks up to see Zhuge Liang.**

**"Oh! Zhuge Liang! Zhao Yun came and, I don't know, JUST JUMPED ON MY FRICKIN' FACE!"**

**"It's still intact. You should be grateful."**

**"Yeah, I guess you're right. But what about Zhao Yun?"**

** "Leave him. He is no threat." (He looked like he was going to hide in Wei. I should pursuit.)**

**"Can you... help me up?"**

** "Oh, of course." Zhuge Liang reaches over the floating number three and pulls it off of Xu Shu.**

**"Ow!" Blood trickles down Xu Shu's face. "Why did you do that?"**

**"Oh, nothing." (40th place)**

**"Oh my god... You're one of them!"**

**"I do not understand why YOU got third place... But... you're a very easy target. Oh well." He holds up the number three over his head and the forty absorbs it. It changes into third place. **

**"What are you planning...?"**

**"I'm not giving it away. Goodbye." He raises his fan and brings it down. A lighting strikes Xu Shu.**

**"Ggggggaaaaaaghgaha!" His body is covered in soot and he lost most of his clothing. Zhuge Liang brings down his hand and another bolt strikes Xu Shu.**

**"Gah!" Another bolt strikes him.**

**"Gah!" Zhuge Liang sends bolts of lighting onto Xu Shu in a pattern. **

**"Stop it! Ow! Ah!" Zhuge Liang stops and walks away.**

**(280th place) **

**Xu Shu twitches around and lies unconscious. Pang Tong (59th place) and Fa Zheng walk by and see the body. **

**"Oh my god! They've killed Xu Shu!" **

**"You bastards!"**

**Meanwhile at Wu...**

**Zhou Yu (37th place), Lu Meng (43th place), and Lu Su (34th place) sit in a room while noises are heard outside and inside. They were reading scrolls and sipping tea. **

**"Lovely weather we're having."**

**"Yes, indeed." **

**"Want a pastry?"**

**"Why certainly." The door bursts open to have a giant fighting cloud go in the middle of the room. The three ignore it as the violence continues.**

**Gan Ning (31st place) yells at Ling Tong (13th place) in the fighting cloud, "How the hell are ya in thirteenth place? You barely do s*bleep*!"**

**"What?! I do more than you! I have more military accomplishments than you!" More voice are heard in the cloud. One of them was Han Dang (50th place).**

**"How are you two ranking higher than me?! You two just argue and bitch the entire story!" Another voice was heard. It was Sun Ce (42th place).**

**"Hey! Why did you three take me into this cloud? Oh well, I was itching to hit something anyway."**

**"Ow!"**

**"Take this!"**

**"Argh!" The cloud moves back out the way it came. The noises die out as it moved away from that room. Zhou Yu comments, "Dear me, what was that noise?"**

**"Probably the wind."**

**"Ah, yes." They all take a sip of tea. **

**"Aaaah, that's some good tea." The room goes quiet. After a minute, Lu Xun (7th place) quietly walks in, looking around. **

**"Ah! Masters! Everyone is attacking me! I'm sure you three wouldn't do that." The three turn to Lu Xun slowly. They roll up their scrolls and take a small sip of tea.**

**"Lu Xun... You're perfectly safe here."**

**"Thank you. I'm surprised you three are taking this very lightly since you are below thirtieth place."**

**"..." The three sit silently as their ****eyes glint red while furrowing their eyebrows. **

**"Um... Masters?"**

* * *

**"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Lu Xun breaks out of the window as Zhou Yu, Lu Su, and Lu Meng chase after him holding weapons.**

**"How are you in seventh place?! You just comment on fire all day!"**

**"I don't know! I don't know!" A mob follows Lu Xun as he continues to run. Zhu Ran rides besides him on a horse. He reaches out towards him.**

**"Come on!" Lu Xun grabs his hand and is lifted onto the horse.**

**"Thank god! You don't have a rank, so you can help me!"**

**"Yup. We're going to Wei."**

**"Wait, this isn't serious enough to defect!"**

**"We're not."**

**Back in Wei, Cao Cao beats up several generics trying to attack him.**

**"Ha! You could never take me! You'll never take me alive!" In the bunker, Xiahou Dun opens the door and leaves. Guo Jia asks him, "Hey, where are you going?"**

**"I'm bored. I'm going to beat up people."**

**"Aren't you worried about-"**

**"Do I look worried?"**

**"Okay..." Xiahou Dun leaves and yelling is heard. A few thuds are heard. The door opens to have Xiahou Dun.**

**"That wasn't me. It was someone that was waiting outside." He sticks his head back out.**

**"I think I am going as well." Wang Yuanji gets up and goes up to the door.**

**"You're in ultimate danger! Second place! You'll get hounded!"**

**"I can take care of myself."**

**"Sima Yi, I'm surprised you're not bothering to talk her out of this."**

**"I'm supposed to care?"**

**"You're an awful father!"**

**"She's not my daughter."**

**"How could you say that?"**

**"She's not my responsibility."**

**"How do they let you have children?."**

**"Hm, I should go too. It's dull in here." Sima Yi walks up to the door while ignoring Guo Jia's comments.**

**"I can't be left alone with Xun Yu! He can't talk, and it'll drive me nuts!"**

**"Then get out with him. You can hide behind Xiahou Dun if you're that scared." **

* * *

**Everyone walks out of the bunker. A generic runs up to them and Xiahou Dun punches him. **

**"I'm not any of you's babysitter, so you're on your own." Xiahou Dun walks away and goes towards the palace. Wang Yuanji walks in the opposite direction away from the bunker. She stops and looks at Takasugi jumping up and down with a paper flying above him.**

**"Come on! Come on! Stop doing this to me! We're not in Assassin's Creed 3!" **

**"...Um..."**

**"Damn.. I wish Ding Feng or Lu Bu were here... Ngh! Ngh!" The paper continues to circle above Takasugi.**

**"Who's doing this?! I just want to go home! But I can't until I get this piece of paper!" Wang Yuanji walks quickly by him and he doesn't notice. The paper finally flies away from Takasugi. He chases after it with no prevail.**

**"Argh! I hate you! You piece of sheet!" Guo Jia turns towards Xun Yu.**

**"You're not holding your notepad as usual, what's wrong?"**

**"Huh? I'm fine."**

**"...A****m I high or i****s Xun Yu actually talking right now?"**

**"You possibly be since you were inhaling the opium smoke from the building next to us."**

**"...Yup, I'm high." Takasugi sees the three and comments, "You're high? Can I have what you're having? Also, Xun Yu has an voice actor now."**

**"Wait, then I'm not high then."**

**"Aw."**

**"This is good since I won't have to waste paper to write out my thoughts."**

**"Did you guys see where the paper was going anyway?" Guo Jia answers, ****"It seemed to be going towards... The Forbidden Area..." He points in a direction which Sima Yi comments,"That's where my home is..."**

**"So, Sima Yi's house is a forbidden area?"**

**"The land around it and the house next to it are forbidden to be messed with."**

**"Who's in the house next to it?"**

**"Lu Bu's family. Zhang Liao goes over there for tea on occasion."**

**"Sima Yi is neighbors with Lu Bu...? That's... er... hehehe... I know Lu Bu lives somewhere away from the Wei border, but I didn't know it was next to Sima Yi. Sima Yi, did you know about this?"**

**"Of course I did. We just don't bother each other."**

**"Lu Bu as your neighbor. It's both cool and sort of scary. Like if you borrow something and never give it back, he's going to make a very big case out of that. It's so empty here, what happened to the people?" **

**"That's good for us."**

**"I guess you're right."**

**"Hey, what's that noise?"**

**"Cao Pi tried to cook today for the army... I think it was that..."**

**"No, it was coming from over there." They turn to the city entrance and they saw a rumbling cloud of dust coming closer and closer. Zhao Yun was running in front of that.**

**"Is that Zhao Yun?"**

**"Why is he coming here? Did he take a wrong turn and went north instead of west?" **

**"He's getting closer! Move!" They sink into the alley as the mob runs down that street.**

**"Looks like he's in first place."**

**"Explains why." **

**"I'm going to go. I have to find that paper." Takasugi walks out of the alley and goes towards in the direction of where the paper was flying towards to. The three walk out of the alley.**

**"I should go back home myself. If you considered that area "forbidden", then I should be fine in there."**

**"Sorry, that's what Cao Cao named your property. I have to use the word sometimes."**

**"You know, people might be waiting for you there."**

**"I can sneak into my own house."**

**"Can you take me in too?"**

**"Why do you need to follow me around? You have Xun Yu as your friend."**

**"I know you truly don't care about this. That's why I trust you."**

**"Really...? How about Jia Xu?"**

**"...He's... er... well... Ahem..."**

**"He's part of this."**

**"Yes..."**

**"Hmph. Do what you want."**

* * *

**Takasugi runs through several crowds and sees the paper.**

**"Yes! Come here!" He jumps continuously to try and catch the paper. The paper floats in the wind and lands on top of a roof. **

**"Ugh..." He looks up at the paper stuck on the roof and attempts to climb up one of the pillars. He sees Sima Yi walking towards him. **

**"Wait! There are..." Generics jump onto Sima Yi and he crawls quickly out from the bottom.**

**"Ow!" He runs quickly to the house and the door opens to have Cao Cao standing right in front of Sima Yi.**

**"What are you doing in my house?!"**

**"No one was home."**

**"This is bad..." Guo Jia and Xun Yu run up to the house.**

**"Hey! Huff... why did you leave me behind?"  
**

**"Lord Cao Cao? What are you doing with that club?"**

**"I want to rise, and you will be that stepping stone!" Takasugi climbs up onto the roof and takes out a remote.**

**"This should buy them some time." He presses it and the screen turns black.**

* * *

***8-bit music playing***

**Sima Yi, Guo Jia, and Xun Yu stand on the left side of the screen while Cao Cao stands on the right side. They all were in old-fashioned pixelated animation. A message box pops up in the middle of the screen.**

**Sima Yi: What the **** is this?**

**Guo Jia: We all look like we're made of blocks!**

**Cao Cao: Ah! I can't move!**

**Xun Yu: There's a giant bar below us. I'm level one?! Guo Jia and Sima Yi are, respectively, levels 15 and 40!**

**Takasugi: You're going to have to defeat Cao Cao like this. And yes, you're level one since you're so squeaking new.**

**Guo Jia: I can't hear my own voice! I just hear beeping!**

**Takasugi: Welcome to JRPG's. You guys are in the hack n' slash category, so it makes sense for you to not understand. This will be your tutorial battle. You three go first.**

**Cao Cao: Hey! Why don't I go first?**

**Takasugi: Because. Because it's the rules. Sima Yi, Guo Jia, and Xun Yu, in that order, will attack you.**

**Cao Cao: That sucks! Can I just move and hit them?**

**Takasugi: Uh-uh! Now, Sima Yi, select "Abilities".**

**Sima Yi: Do I have a choice? Also, why does Cao Cao have a health bar of a thousand?!**

**Takasugi: If this were Pokemon, you'd have a choice to flee, but in here, no. Cao Cao's a boss, so he needs a big-ass health bar.**

**Sima Yi: Huu... **

**A pointer appears above Sima Yi and it clicks him. **

**Attack**

**Item**

**-Abilities-**

**Tactics**

**Sima Yi: Okay, now what?**

**Takasugi: Attack.**

**-Back-Breaker Chop-**

**(Break your enemy's back with a strong hand chop.)**

**-LAZER BEEEAM**

**('Nuff said.)**

**-Fifty Shades of Grey**

**(Whip your enemy into submission, you kinky bastard.)**

**Sima Yi goes up to Cao Cao and hits him in the back with his hand. He runs back.**

**Ugh! -117 dam**

**Takasugi: I wanted to see "Fifty Shades of Grey" though... Now it's Guo Jia's turn. Please select "Abilities".**

**Guo Jia: What about "Tactics"?**

**Takasugi: Phht. As if anyone actually uses that.**

**Attack**

**Item**

**-Abilities-**

**Tactics**

**-Charm**

**(Super-effective towards female opponents. Has some effect on men depending.)**

**-Spheres of Light**

**(Throw balls of light at a target.)**

**-Pole Dance of Scaring-**

**(Give your enemy a image that'll scar them.)**

**Guo Jia: ...I am not doing that one...**

**Takasugi: It does a lot of damage!**

**Guo Jia: No.  
**

**Takasugi: Fine. You're still doing it.**

**Guo Jia: Argh.**

**The pointer clicks on the ability and Guo Jia heads up to Cao Cao. He uses his scepter and begins to do suggestive dances on it. Cao Cao yells out as he was doing it.**

**Ah! My eyes! -489 dam**

**Takasugi: He's on low health. Finish him off. Use what you just learned here, Xun Yu.**

**Xun Yu: What do I do?**

**Takasugi: Use an attack or ability.**

**Xun Yu: What's "Tactics?"**

**Takasugi: No one uses that! **

**Attack**

**Item**

**-Abilities-**

**Tactics**

**-Fire Blast**

**(Be a fire hazard to your enemy.)**

**-Stabbity McStab-Stab**

**(That part at the bottom of your staff is not there for show.)**

**-Magic Show**

**(This show is to DIE for.)**

**Xun Yu: I can't choose... They all sound so appealing.**

**Takasugi: Choose the second one.**

**Cao Cao: When do I get to hit?!**

**Takasugi: I guess you never learned how to wait your turn back in preschool.**

**Magic Show**

**Xun Yu holds up his staff and waves it around to have many colorful blasts shoot at Cao Cao at high speeds.**

**Ugh! -180 dam **

**Ugh! -195 dam**

**Argh! -284 dam**

**Cao Cao: Uuugh... **

**Cao Cao collapses and retro victory music plays.**

**Takasugi: Aren't you going to do a victory dance-**

**All three: No.**

**Guo Jia: What was "Tactics?"**

**Takasugi: The only good thing in there was "Summon." I'll tell you on that later.**

* * *

**Cao Cao lies on the ground with swirly eyes. **

**"...Uuugh..." Sima Yi looks down at him.**

**"I should feel sorry, but then again, I don't. Ha-ha! Now where's that man?" Guo Jia looks at Cao Cao with a worried expression.**

**"I feel sort of guilty..." Xun Yu says, "I feel only a little guilty. He brought it onto himself." They turn to look at Takasugi trying to grab the paper sticking onto the roof of the house. He was standing on the very top and strains to grab the paper flapping in the wind on a little spike. **

**"Almost... Almost... nnnragh!" He jumps to grab it, but the paper flies away from him. **

**"Goddamn it! Whoa, whoa!" He falls off the roof and lands on the hard ground. **

**"Ow! My chest! Hey, loot the body!" **

**"What would I want from Cao Cao's body?" A message appears above Sima Yi's head.**

**Cao Cao's Underwear Acquired**

**"UGH! I DON'T WANT IT! GET IT OUT OF ME!"**

**"Oh, it's a random drop. Open your inventory and press "Discard" on the item you want to get rid of."**

**"I don't even know how to do that! Where is it?!" He fumbles around in his robes. He pulls out a loincloth from his pocket. He tosses away from himself.**

**"Ugh! Ugh! No! Is it going to be like this when I beat up someone?"**

**"Maybe. It's random. You may get gold, weapons, and miscellaneous stuff."**

**"I don't want any things."**

**"Too bad. Avoid combat then. Argh..." Takasugi gets up and stretches his back.**

**"I have to find that goddamn plot device-I mean-the piece of paper. You can now venture off into the dangerous world here of people pissed about their place. It's too dangerous to go alone."**

**"We're not alone."**

**"Let me finish... It's too dangerous to go alone, take this." He holds up a sword.**

**"..."**

** Guo Jia asks, "Do we get the sword?"**

**"No, I ****just wanted to do that."**

**"Aw."**

* * *

**Lu Xun runs continuously away from an angry mob of Wu generals. **

**"Huff... huff... This number floating above my head's not helping me out here!" The number seven mockingly floats above Lu Xun's head. **

**"That just makes the people behind me more angry!" A neigh is head and Lu Xun turns to see Zhu Ran riding towards him. **

**"He doesn't have a number! He should have a reason to save me rather than beat me!" Zhu Ran rides next to him and extends a hand.**

**"Come on! Your legs will turn into mush if you continue to run this much."**

**"Where are we going?"**

**"Mm-hm?" Lu Xun grabs Zhu Ran's hand and rides on the horse behind him. **

**"Seriously, where are we going?"**

**"I heard Wei would be safe."**

**"Defect? This situation isn't that severe to defect to Wei!"**

**"No! You'll be fine."**

**Back at the outskirts of Wei, Sima Yi goes into his house. Guo Jia asks him, "Are you sure you should stay here?"**

**"I'm fine. I should be worried about yourself." A noise is heard in the empty house.**

**"Hm?" He looks around to find nothing. **

**"Hello?"**

**"Are you sure no one's here?"**

**"Well, my family probably hid here..." A scarf hangs in front of the three and Guo Jia pulls it.**

**"Ooh, is this Shu silk-OOF!" Sima Zhao falls on Guo Jia with a loud thud.**

**"Ow! My head..." (35th place)**

**"Zhao? What are you doing?"  
**

**"Hiding."**

**"Well, you suck at it." Sima Zhao replies sarcastically, ****"Wow, thanks for the words of praise, Father!"**

**"That's if I DID give you words of praise. Where is your brother and mother?"**

**"Hiding."**

**"Where?"**

**"I can't tell you, but here's this cake." Sima Zhao takes out a cake and holds it in front of Sima Yi. **

**"...And?"**

**"Cake."**

**"I know it's a cake! Unfortunately, I don't like sweet things." Guo Jia gasps and says to Sima Yi,"You don't like sweet things? What kind of monster are you? Well, if you don't want the cake, I'll take it."**

**"Um... well... This cake is specifically for Father."**

**"Why make one cake for one man? That looks like it could serve all four of us here."**

**"Well... I..." Guo Jia takes his finger and takes some of the frosting to eat.**

**"Hm, this tastes funny..." He falls down on his face. **

**"Xun Yu, can you throw away the body for me?"**

**"He's still alive!" **

**"Zhao, what was in that-" Sima Yi sees Sima Zhao reaching for the number four above Guo Jia's head. ****"Oh, you too?!"**

**"I get enough crap from you, so the least I can do is rank higher than you!"**

**"Oh, you now turn on me? So be it." Sima Yi grabs Sima Zhao's hand and judo flips him into the floor of the house. The floor cracks and Sima Zhao falls into the hole made.**

**"Aaaaaah!"**

** Xun Yu looks down the hole and says to Sima Yi, "We have to call gao-yat-yat! ****He could be hurt from that fall!" *Cantonese for 9-1-1***

**"Ah, he's nothing but a hunk of meat, he can survive that. Our cellar is not that big."**

**"This house is huge, your cellar is the same."**

**"Well, he can lie there with broken ribs then."**

**"You're an awful father."**

**"Not even close." **

**The door near them opens to have Sima Shi walk in holding a tray of assorted pastries. He turns to Sima Yi.**

**"I offer all of this to you, my dear father." (12th place)**

**"...I don't eat sweets... You're unusually nice today..."**

**"I can't offer my father pastries and tea?"**

**"Well, your mother does that."**

**"I'm helping her today then."**

**"Hmm... I'm going to go over there..."**

**"I shall go with you."**

**"I need privacy."**

**"I'll wait outside whatever room you need to go to."**

**"...You're one of them, aren't you?"**

**"What? No! How could you think that? No... You're funny."**

**"I'm going to go." **

**"Wait, wait! You have something on your head... I'll take that off of you-"**

**"No, thanks." (8th place) "Get out of my face, floating number thing!"**

**"I can take that off if it's bothering you."**

**"No, it's fine."**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"Yes! ****Instead of trying to pry this off me with buttered-up words, why don't you just ask me?"**

**"May I have that floating number eight?"**

**"Thank you. And no."**

**"What?"**

**"You heard me."**

**"But you said you don't care."**

**"That doesn't mean you can take my place. I was here long before you came out of generic hell."**

**"Father, how could you say such things?"**

**"How could you consider taking my place?" The two continue to argue as the door behind them opens to have Zhang Chunhua walk out, ignoring them to water a flower plant. Xun Yu stares at disbelief at her.**

**"You do know your son and husband are arguing right in front of you...?" She completely ignores him and goes back to the arguing two. She takes the number 8 floating near Sima Yi's head and slowly pries it off to then switch out her number (27th place) with his. She walks into the door and closes it behind her. Sima Yi looks up at his head to see the number changed.**

**"Oh no, you don't!" Sima Yi opens the door roughly to drag out Zhang Chunhua.**

**"I'll be taking that back." He pops the number off of her and switches the 27 for the 8 back. He turns her and gently pushes her back into the door he dragged her out of.**

**"It was worth a shot."**

**"Ha, nice try, but you're going to have to try harder than that."**

**"Aw, and I was about to give you a nice gift."**

**"I know you're awful with gifts."**

**"It was something you've been begging me to do for you for a long time. But I guess that ship's sailed."**

**"Wait, what is it?"**

**"I can't say it out loud because Shi, Zhao, and your two co-workers are right there." Xun Yu holds up a notepad.**

I no understand. Go say.

**"Xun Yu, we already you have an audio clip in you and you're very literate. Cut the act."**

I dont no wat u say. I stupid.

**"I heard you talk from before when you yelled out "gao-yat-yat"." Xun Yu frowns and tosses the notepad.**

**"Fine." Sima Shi gets between the two. **

**"What can I do to get your 8?"**

**"Nothing." **

**"Fine, I have to use brute-force."**

**"Good, about time. I was bored anyway with you sucking up to me." **

**"Now boys, you don't want to wreck the place, do you?"**

**"Oh yes, can you tell what you were planning to give me?"**

**"Well, you're going to have to come to our chambers to see." **

**"No, Sima Yi! It's a trap!" yelled out Xun Yu.**

**"Don't you think I already know that? I am already figuring out what she was trying to lure me with. But what should I do? Give in to my desires or my morals?" Everyone in the room says to him, "You don't have morals."**

**"Ah! Yes, I do! Not humane ones... Anyway, I'm afraid my pride is getting to me, so I will have to decline your gift, my dear." **

**"Oh well, might as well do this the hard way." **

**"Aw, everyone in my family has given in. I thought you were all stronger than that. Oh well."**

***retro music playing as the screen goes black***

**The screen is arranged with Sima Yi and Xun Yu one the left side with Sima Shi and Zhang Chunhua on the other. Sima Zhao was on that side also, but he was lying on the ground with zero health.**

**Xun Yu: I'm not sure whether or not I should hit her...**

**Sima Yi: Screw social rules.**

**Zhang Chunhua: Aw, Sima Yi. You're going to hold back on me?**

**Sima Yi: I did held back towards you, Shi here would not have never been born.**

**Sima Shu: ARGH! Ew! Father, why did you give me that image?! Ugh!**

**A flash indicating a hit is on Shi.**

**-6789 HP **

Sima Shi has been defeated.

**Sima Yi: Huh, that was easy.**

**Attack**

**Item**

**-Abilities-**

**Tactics**

**-Fifty Shades of Grey-**

**(Whip your enemy to submission, you kinky bastard.)**

**Xun Yu: Uh, Sima Yi? I don't think that'll be-**

**Sima Yi: Phht, I bet this will get this battle to close faster.**

**Sima Yi runs over to the left side to rapidly whip Zhang Chunhua until there was a censor bar over her.**

**-678**

**-567**

**-874**

**-289**

**-985**

***pop-up noise* A text box appears on the screen with Takasugi cheerfully talking.**

**Takasugi: For Sima Yi's Fifty Shades of Grey move, we cannot show its aftermath here because the whip slashes are strong enough to remove clothing and Zhang Chunhua's dress is not exactly the most covering of clothes here, so yeah. I'm out.**

**The text box disappears.**

**Xun Yu: Uh... uh... her dress... is almost gone...**

**Sima Yi: I didn't know it was going to do this! Crap, I gave you a free show! That's 5,000 gold's worth of peep show there! Oh well, your turn.**

**Xun Yu: She has only one point of health left!**

**Sima Yi: It's your turn, you do what you need to do.**

**-Attack-**

**Item**

**Abilities**

**Tactics**

**Xun Yu walks up to the giant censor bar and turns his face. He slowly extends his arm and taps it with his staff. The bar yells out and falls down.**

***retro victory music***

* * *

**Sima Shi lies on the ground pale-faced. Zhang Chunhua covers herself with her arms and turns red in embarrassment.**

**"I am going to go and put on new clothes..." Sima Yi offers with a some blood slightly flowing from his nose, "I can help you change. I was the one who destroyed your dress, I must take responsibility for this. I can take that off for you-"**

**"You've done enough." She quickly walks away attempting to cover herself up. Guo Jia says in a mocking sing-song voice, "Ooooooooohhhhhhh, Sima Yi's gonna get the coooouch. And I saw a boob from this angle!"**

**"How long were you up?"**

**"I was up when I heard whipping noises. I was not disappointed-Kmp!" Sima Yi kicks him in the face and huffs.**


	3. Eight's a pretty number

**Zhu Ran walks with Lu Xun as they walk up the steps of the Wei palace. **

**"We're not defecting, right?" (7th place)**

**"Yep, totally." **

**"You're talking funny."**

**"What funny? Like Jerry Lewis funny or Robin Williams funny?"**

** "Who are they?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"You're talking very fast."**

**"What? No. I'm talking normally."**

**"You're shaking."**

**"Yeah, yeah. Wei's cold up here. I'm not used to it because Wu is so warm. Cao Pi! I have him!" **

**"Cao Pi? how is he going to help us?" Cao Pi walks out to see the two. (20th place) **

**"Evening, gentlemen. Zhu Ran, here is a bulk pack of matches slightly tipped with a special lighter fluid made from the fat from pigs. Could keep a flame for hours. Thank you for your business." Zhu Ran quickly snatches away the packs and runs off laughing maniacally. Lu Xun yells at him hysterically,****"HOW COULD YOU SELL ME OUT FOR PACKS OF SOME CRAP MATCHES?! I THOUGH WE WERE FRIENDS!"**

**"I just liked you because you had those illegal fireworks! Ahahaha! Fire! More fire!" He speeds around the large area holding fireballs which were his hands coated in fire. "Ahahahaha! HEHEHE!"**

**"Oh goddamn it..." As Lu Xun looked up, he saw Cao Pi holding a giant club with glowing red eyes. **

**"AH! What do you want from me?!"**

**"Your number."**

**"Uh... I don't have own a pho-" The club made its way onto Lu Xun's skull and the 7 popped off to land in Cao Pi's hands. He sticks it on top of his head and walks away to leave Lu Xun with a decreasing number which later stopped at 140. **

* * *

**More generics with triple-digit numbers above their heads beat each other up for a lower number. Some chased down a single general while others teamed up to share numbers. A figure in ragged robes and a rice hat quickly walks by all of the quarrels to head into a garrison. It was empty and the figure leans against onto one of the walls inside. Its head moves up to reveal Zhuge Liang.**

**"Now, if I were Zhao Yun, where would I be...? Hmm... I know he's very popular with children and he likes animals..." A figure also in ragged robes and rice hat leans next to Zhuge Liang. He looks over to it with a displeased face. **

**"Do you see me leaning here? Go find another wall to lean on." The figure lifts its hat to reveal Jia Xu's face.**

**"What? Did you write your name on here?"**

**"Gah! I know you! You stole my goatee look!"**

**"This is a common look. Everyone would have one if they weren't looking like a woman-looking pretty boy."**

**"Why are you here?"**

**"Why are YOU here?"**

**"No reason."**

**"Oh really?" Jia Xu flicks the hat off of Zhuge Liang to have his stolen 3 to pop above him. **

**"I know you didn't get third place. No one likes you because you're a bigger asshole than Sima Yi."**

**"I don't understand how he got eighth if we're both being assholes."**

**"He makes being an asshole look good. You make it annoying. Now, I guess you beat Xu Shu up. Go figure. I could flick him in the face and he'll cry."**

**"What's your number?" Jia Xu removes his hat to have a 25 pop up. ****"You have no reason to pay attention to me. So scram and let me wait for a poor little bugger to come by."**

**"You seem like the type to not participate in these things."**

**"I am. But if I don't have to do any work, then I'm all for it. Like now."**

**"Huh?" Jia Xu whistles with his fingers and a large rock falls on Zhuge Liang's head, causing the 3 to pop off and land in Jia Xu's hands. A 59 replaces itself on Zhuge Liang's head.**

**"Like a moth to a flame."**

* * *

**"Sima Yi, the man with black eyes said every time we defeat someone, we get some kind of item. We didn't get anything." asked Xun Yu. Sima Yi gave an answer made of sass and sarcasm, "Unless you wanted dress scraps, then there wasn't anything that could serve as a-" A message appeared above his head in shiny letters.**

**Women's undies obtained**

**"...I wonder why do we always get underwear as our "prize"." Guo Jia says to Sima Yi in a cheery voice, "If you don't want 'em, I'll take them!"**

**"You do understand WHO'S are these?"**

**"Yes-I mean-no. But they're women's, right?"**

**"Yeah, I'm not letting you have my wife's underwear."**

**"Shh! Don't give it all away! We don't even know who's underwear is that. You can't assume that."**

**"Oh? Then you're assuming Shi was wearing them?"**

**"Well... maybe...? Keep that for later." **

**"For what? Is someone asking for a pair of underwear that once belonged to a woman?"**

**"You never know."**

**"Argh..." **

**"Are we supposed to stay until your sons recover and try to attack you again?"**

**"Of course not. But where can we go then?"**

**"Just away from Wei? Haha. Wei and way... heheh..."**

**"Really? Joking about this NOW? Of all times? I swear-" The earth shakes and a red light is seen coming from a window. Xun Yu goes up to the window and says, "Whose house is that?"**

**"Lu Bu's. I did tell you."**

**"You two don't talk at least?"**

**"****We get each other's mail and one of us has to go over to give the person the proper mail." Guo Jia comments, ****"Now that I think about, I thought Lu Bu lived at Xiapi."**

**"He's not allowed to live there. He got evicted and now he has a house next to mine. You should know these events since you're older than me."**

**"How did he get evicted from Xiapi?"**

**"Liu Bei owns it, remember?" **

**"If so, then Lu Bu evicted HIM."**

**"Yeah, that's not how it works here." Sima Yi takes out a detailed map with assorted colors and holds it up. "All of this blue here is Wei. The little teal spots are where Jin's generals live. Where Xiahou Yuan lives is half blue and teal since his son is with us. My house and land is this giant teal spot. The yellow next to it is Lu Bu's. And the green and red that you see at the edges here are Shu and Wu, respectively."**

**"Wow, it's so... detailed... He made a lot of effort about the teal land and blue land separating here." **

**"Cao Cao was very discriminating during the time he made this map. Look what he named the area around my house." Sima Yi points to a bold writing on a large spot of teal. **

**WARNING: ASSHOLE LIVES HERE**

**"Go figure."**

**"Hey! ****And here's what he named Lu Bu's area." He points to the yellow spot next to the teal spot.**

** ABANDON YOUR GOD HERE**

**"He was over-exaggerating, right? Lu Bu's not that mean outside of battle if you're nice to him, right?"**

**"Sure, define "nice"."**

**"Be a good person."**

**"Phht! Nice person... That exists..."**

**"Oh right, I'm talking to a sociopath. Anyway, Xun Yu, why is Lu Bu producing red light?"**

**"He seems to be yelling something." The earth shakes again with an echoing voice. **

**"NRRRRAGH! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT STUPID-HAT-WEARING GUY GOT HIGHER PLACE THAN ME! I 'OUGHTA TAKE HIS PLACE BY FORCE!" Two voices are heard.**

**"Father! Calm down!"**

**"Yes! Listen to your daughter! The house is crumbling like my mother's fruitcake during that time we ran out of flour!" Guo Jia comments, "Who's the stupid-hat-wearing guy here? Hehehehehe..."**

**"I think he's talking about you."**

**"Huh? My hat's not stupid compared to yours!" Xun Yu tells the two, "Lu Bu's coming here. Oh well, might as say this long-awaited line. RUN! IT'S LU BU!" Sima Yi yells at him,****"You've got it all wrong! You need to put more emphasis on "It's Lu Bu!"."**

**"What does it matter?!"**

**"I've been here longer than you. You have to say it a certain way for it to be meaningful."**

**"Ah, who cares?! I don't want to fight him!" Everyone runs out the door to have Lu Bu barreling into the house, blowing it off the ground. Sima Yi yells at him,"You are paying for repairs for that!" What was left was Sima Shi lying in rubble and Zhang Chunhua standing on top of rubble. Sima Zhao extends a hand up to pull himself up onto the rubble. **

**"Nrrragh! Whoa! What happened to the house? What's going on? How did Mother survive without even falling? I don't like change!" **

**"Nrrgh..."**

**"Oh no, what did you do to make Lu Bu angry...?" Voices are heard from the side. **

**"Where did Master Lu Bu go? He flew out of there like me when I came out of my mother's-"**

**"Chen Gong, don't... don't finish that sentence..." **

**"Okay, he flew out like how horses poop."**

**"That's... better...? Nevermind. Father! Come back! We'll find the stupid-hat-wearing guy if you'd calm down!" Lu Lingqi runs in front of the rubble and turns towards the three that were outside of the rubble.**

**"There! We can just capture him!" Guo Jia whistles innocently and pushes Sima Yi in front of him. **

**"He's right here."**

**"They're not talking about me."**

**"Then who then?" A blur flashes past Sima Yi and it tackles Guo Jia to the ground. **

**"Gah! What?!"**

**"Guo Jia, Wei strategist and self-proclaimed ladies man. Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" yelled out Lu Lingqi as she ties Guo Jia up. Sima Yi snickers,****"Ha, self-proclaimed. I guess you're the only who actually thinks you're smooth with women."**

**"She's just joking! I bet-" Lu Lingqi stuffs a tissue ball into his mouth. **

**"Your move, creep."**

**"Mmh nnh mmh mmrp!"**

**"I think you took those lines from somewhere..." Chen Gong chimes in,"She likes to watch this movie where it's a half man half machine guy kill criminals while saying badass liners. Robocop, I remember?"**

**"I... I am confused on you people."**

**"Well, that was rude of you!" Another blur flashes by them and it was Lu Bu towering over Guo Jia. Sima Yi yells at Lu Bu,****"If you wanted him in the first place, why blow away my house?! You don't see me blowing up your house for your stupid strategist giving me bad cakes!" Chen Gong gasps at Sima Yi,"You didn't like the fruitcakes?! How could you?!"**

**"They crumbled like if they were made with dried clay!"**

**"Only I get to say that!"**

**"You just gave me those so you wouldn't have to deal with them! I hear about your conversations with yourself about them!"**

**"My mother sucks at baking and I don't have the heart to tell her that..."**

**"..." Guo Jia angrily yells muffled words at Sima Yi, ****"Mmh! Mmh mm mm m?!"**

**"What? I can't hear you over the noise you're making."**

**"MMMH!"**

**"Oh well, bye. Have fun." He walks away from everyone and he hits his whole body into nothing. A red circle with a slash through it appears above him.**

**"Whoops. Can't go there..."**

* * *

**The long sheet of paper flies in the wind. It navigates through many skirmishes of generics and attaches itself onto a flag pole that one of the generics was holding up. Takasugi runs through the generics, knocking them down to reach the bannerman. **

**"Give me that!" He snatches the pole away from the bannerman and snaps it to grab the paper. The generic yells at him.**

**"Hey! That was my flag pole! I brought it from home!"**

**"...Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't know..."**

**"It even screws together and it had a case!"**

**"Oh... wow... Now I feel bad." Another generic bumps into Takasugi and he grabs a shield to bash it against him. It breaks in half and the same generic bannerman yells at him, "Hey! That was my shield! I brought it from home!"**

**"I'm starting to doubt anything you say now... Okay, I got this thing now. I am going to back." He dodges many swings and punches to go into an alleyway and claws at the air.**

**"Grr... Where is it...?" He continues to claw away, but to no prevail. **

**"Huh, looks like the portal isn't working now." He pulls out his phone and presses a few buttons. **

**(The call is formatted like the Metal Gear games' radio)**

***ring ring***

**One small screen is black on one side and the other small screen has Takasugi's face.**

**"Hello? Anyone? Come on pick up. This is either Izuru's or that one guy that gets me coffee's line." **

**The black screen lights up to have another man's face. **

**"Yes? May I help you? "**

**"I can't open the portal."**

**"..." **

***screen goes black***

**"Hey! Don't hang up! Damn!" The screen lights up to have a different man appear.**

**"Hi."**

**"Suzaku, shouldn't you be editing out Koei manuals?"**

**"They're on hold, right now."**

**"What happened to Izuru?"**

**"He's on vacation."**

**"Why?! DW8 Empires needs work!"**

**"It's on hold too. Also, are we on Skype?"**

**"Phht, this is way better than Skype."**

**"Isn't Mr. Hideo Kojima going to be mad about you ripping off-?"**

**"Who said that? I'm just having fun with the radio format here. He's very cool anyway,so he won't mind. Anyway, I can't open a portal back in the HQ."**

**"Oh, the thing broke after Mr. Suzuki threw you in there. We have our IT guys and engineers working on it. You're stuck over until further notice."**

**"What?! But... Everyone's fighting over here! I can't be in the middle of this!"**

***screen goes black***

**"Dga!" **

* * *

**Zhou Tai ****(46th place) ****knocks many generics away from him with little but powerful slashes. Sun Quan (66th place), Sun Ce (44th place), Sun Jian (62nd place), and Sun Shang Xiang (37th place) knock away angry generics with tripe digit numbers on their heads. Sun Quan yells out at everyone,"Why the hell am I lower than all of you?! I just noticed I rank lower than my father and he was barely in the story!" Sun Jian cheerfully says while kicking a generic away from him, "Quan, it's not a competition on who ranks higher than who. Besides, you, Ce, and Shang Xiang are all first place in my eyes."**

**"I just beat a pair of dildos!" **

**"Now, now, he has a name." **

**Taishi Ci runs up to the group and points at Sun Quan, "HEY! Did you just call me a "pair of dildos"?!" ****(71th place)**

**"No, I was talking about Ling Tong." A voice was heard from the corner of his ear, "HEY! These don't even disconnect, you know!"**

**"I was being sarcastic! Go back to choking Gan Ning! Stupid lady-guy with a break-apart dildo gets 15th place..." **

**"I heard that! You just jelly!"**

**"Shut up, Ling Tong!" Sun Ce kicks a generic in the groin to say, "Why do you care so much? If you do that, you'll end up like these guys with the 500's and 900's on their heads."**

**"You don't care since you're the most popular out of all of us next to Shang Xiang."**

**"Phht, I'm pretty far down."**

**"Compared to me, I'm the lowest."**

**"Hey, at least you're not..." He whispers into Sun Quan's ear. "...Huang Gai." When he moves away, he hits his head on a large figure towering over him. Sun Ce looks up to see Huang Gai. (76th place)**

**"Uh... Hey! How's it going? Oh, you moved up! That's nice."**

**"I heard that."**

**"Well, you're no longer last. So... Yeah. You're good. Very good. Swell."**

**"I know I'm not popular... So I'm just going to go fishing until this blows over..." Huang Gai gets on his his boat blade and surfs away. You hear a annoyed yell. **

**"Ugh! Every time I head down into Wu, it's always Huang Gai surfing into me! It's like he's programmed to that!" Takasugi steps over knocked-out generics and looks around.**

**"Wow, I guess you guys had a fun time."**

**"Oh, finally. You can tell us why this is happening."**

**"Based on what I have been seeing, people are fighting for the top spot. That belongs to Zhao Yun, but he's nowhere to be found right now. I see you had experienced this. Well then, you're gonna have to participate if you're gonna keep your rank." Sun Jian says, "But how can face our-"**

**"It's a free-for-all. You all must take down the one above you to take away his/her place. Brother turning on brother, father turning onto son, master onto servant, there's no mercy on this battlefield. No sirree! Also, what happened to Lian Shi? Isn't she supposed to be with you?" SunQuan chokes on his breath and yells out, "OH MY GOD! I forgot all about her!"**

**"66th place... Huh, makes sense."**

**"Hey!"**

**"Want to dig yourself out of the hole? Take down... Sun Shang Xiang?"**

**"I can't do that..."**

**"Okay, then Taishi Ci."**

**"Okay." Taishi Ci yells at him, "No! You need to rescue your wife!"**

**"She's fine... She's fine..."**

**"Or you can just take her down-"**

**"NO! How can I do that?!"**

**"Hey, just throwing suggestions here. I'm just roaming around here, watching the mayhem fold as I wait for my ride to be fixed." Panting was heard behind the group and they turned to see Lian Shi (25th place) dragging the battered the bodies of Gan Ning (40th place) and Ling Tong (30th place). Takasugi takes out his long sheet of paper and looks down at it.**

**"You're supposed to be 40th place. I see you've caught onto this. Sun Quan's too much of a pussy to even hit his own sister." **

**"Uh... uh... Lian Shi! why?! why did you do this?!"**

**"They started it. I was defending myself, and next thing I know, these numbers rose and dropped."**

**"Quanny... I think you should follow her example..."**

**"But..."**

**"Don't worry, this is just a game. Or is it?"**

**"How-"**

**"Phht, your ties will not matter. You desire the top, so do what you must. Ooh, I sound so wise."**

**"You're just enjoying watching us tearing each apart!"**

**"Everyone's doing it. You can even kick Liu Bei's ass if you wanted or take advantage of this and attack Wei or Shu..." **

**"...That's... huh... I heard the highest person there is the little blonde girl. I can take her number and... It's settled! We're attacking Wei!"**

**"Now that's the spirit! I'mma be going now. Pip-boy, take me to Shu." He presses a button on a large wrist device he is wearing and he disappears.**

* * *

**Sima Zhao (35th place) climbs out of the basement of what remains of the house. He looks around only to find Sima Shi (12th place) still under rubble. He goes to push away rubble and shakes him.**

**"Come on, I know you're not dead."**

**"Nrrgh... No... Don't make me watch them do it... Huh?"**

**"Everyone's gone."**

**"I noticed... Huff..." He sits up, brushing off drywall dust. "I'm surprised you're not even attacking me for my rank number."**

**"...Oh yeah... I forgot-" A trail of dust was left before he was able to finish his sentence.**

**"Well, you're too late, sucker!" **

**"I just tried to save your life, asshole!"**

**"I wasn't even in any danger!" yelled out Sima Shi as his voice faded away from the area. Sima Zhao groaned and muttered to himself,"Bastard isn't even thankful I helped him out of the rubble... Oh well... I wonder where are Yuanji and Jia Chong... Might as well look for them. I can just take Jia Chong's number for my own... hehehehe-No, no! I'm not becoming my father right now!"**

**Sima Yi walks down a dirt trail with Xun yu following him.**

**"...Why do you keep following me...?"**

**"You cannot go alone or else you'll end up like Zhong Hui from before. Plus, I have no reason to attack you since I am barely here and have not participated in the polls. What I am asking you is that why aren't you helping Guo Jia?"**

**"And have me challenge Lu Bu? I choose life over saving Guo Jia from getting a new asshole."**

**"You're an awful person."**

**"Thank you."**

**"It wasn't a complement." **

**"I know."**

**"It won't be that hard to save him. Just give up his number and he should be fine."**

**"Why don't you save him?"**

**"...Because... I can't go alone."**

**"You can find many allies since you are not of any value expect for magic abilities."**

**"Wow, thanks for the boost of confidence, Sima Yi."**

**"You're the one wanting to save Guo Jia's useless ass."**

**"He might be of use to you. He can provide you with a human shield or an offer to someone if you want them to leave you alone."**

**"I can just use you then."**

**"You just said I have no value expect my magic."**

**"Exactly."**

**"Guo Jia has the combination to Cao Cao's safe of secret nudes."**

**"Ugh."**

**"No, pictures of women he took when they were either changing or bathing."**

**"Let's go save Master Guo Jia."**

**"Hmmm..."**

**"Not that I care for him, but that safe has pictures I don't want Cao Cao to have."**

**"What?"**

**"I know he has been taking pictures of Yuanji and Chunhua. He's not the type to stay within kingdom lines for nice views."**

**"Do you even know where he is-"**

**"Xiapi."**

**"But-"**

**"Xiapi. Lu Bu will always go there despite being evicted." Bushes rustle after he said that. **

**"You hear that?"**

**"Probably the wind."**

**"No... I sense a flowery presence..." **

**"It's spring."**

**"Give it a moment." The bushes behind them has Zhang He (47th place) pop out and is slowly hovering above Sima Yi, claws ready. **

**"Yup." More bushes rustle around them. "Oh, we have company. huff... Maybe it was true I shouldn't go..." Zhang He lands face-down in front of Sima Yi. "...alone... You missed." The bushes has Xu Huang (61st place), Zhang Liao (17th place), and Yue Jin (19th place) pop out.**

**"Goddamn it, you two! I told you not to follow me!"**

**"I didn't!"**

**"It seems we all had the same idea."**

**"You know, you could just go get Guo Jia."**

**"Where is he?"**

**"Lu Bu took him."**

**"And I shall go challenge him for Guo Jia's 4!"  
**

**"I shall go too!"**

**"Taking on a behemoth like him is enough for me to stand out!" The three run off away from the two. Zhang He gets up quickly and yells at Sima Yi,"Why are you so short?!"**

**"I'm not that short! You just miscalculated when you're going to hit me. Hmph, 47... Wow, you've really lost your touch."**

**"That's why I'm here." His eyes glow red and a black aura surrounds him. "Give up your 8 or I will use force." **

**"Come on, it's... an ugly number... Right...?"**

**"No! It's symmetrical on all ways! It's the most prettiest number out of them all!"**

**"Well... Hehehehe..." Xun Yu whispers to him,"Why are you hesitating? We can-" Sima Yi whispers back angrily,****"He's one of the greatest generals Wei has! He has slashed my face for calling him fat once! I was lucky I didn't get tetanus since he cleans the claws!" **

**"So you're being chicken over a flamboyant man that just miscalculated how tall you were and landed on his face right in front of you?"**

**"...When you say it that way... Fine, I needed to make him pay for ruining my face anyway."**

* * *

***retro music***

**(You know how this works, so I don't need to re-describe how its positioned.)**

**Sima Yi: This music is annoying me. Can I turn it off?**

**Xun Yu: I think it's nice.**

**Sima Yi: It sounds like mice screaming.**

**Zhang He: Oh no! I look hideous! I'm just blocks of color! You can't even see my mouth!**

**Sima Yi: Is that something you should be worried about right now? **

**Sima Yi: -Abilities-**

**-LAZER BEEEAM-**

**A large ball of light is charged in Sima Yi's hand and is released as a large blast of purple that blows through Zhang He. **

**-772 dam**

**Xun Yu: -Abilities-**

**-Fire Blast**

**A giant fire ball forms and it blasted onto Zhang He.**

**-469 dam**

**Uggggh! **

Zhang He has been defeated.

***victory music plays***

* * *

**Zhang He lies on the ground with swirly eyes. Sima Yi quickly pats himself down.**

**"I better not get his underwear!" A shiny message appears over him.**

**Butterfly clip obtained**

**"...I suppose that's better than underwear."**

**"That rhymed."**

**"No, it didn't."**

**"You dissed Cao Zhi's poem about him and Cao Pi were like-"**

**"Yeah, I stopped listening to you when you said "poem"."**


	4. Breaking down walls

**Liu Bei (55th place) sobs into a pink hankerchief while Guan Yu (56th place) and Zhang Fei (74th place) attempt to calm him down.**

**"Why am I at 55?! Was I not good with the people enough?"**

**"Now,now, I'm sure you did nothing wrong other than throw a fit whenever I get a papercut." said Guan Yu.**

**"Is it because I turned way that butcher's offer of selling me that meat I was pretty sure wasn't edible or stared at his wife for too long? All the possibilities are eating away at my insides..."**

**"How the hell am I 74th?! Dong Zhou beat me! How does that frickin' pig... bastard... fat-ass... I even lost to Huang Zhong by one point!" Liu Bei doesn't notice Zhang Fei's words and says, ****"I suppose I should be happy that I got higher than Pang Tong, Guan Suo, and Yue Ying. And Fa Zheng isn't on the board." Without the three brothers noticing, Pang Tong (59th place) is seen behind them walking by holding up a blurred gesture on his hand at Liu Bei.**

**"At least we have Zhao Yun representing us at the top spot."**

**"By the way, we've haven't seen him. We last saw him getting chased by jealous generics."**

**"He'll be back. I heard you two's sons got a pretty high rank."**

**"Their pretty faces got them there. I bet if you took those away, they'll hit rock bottom."**

**"I can't believe you would say that!"**

**"Hey, it's true. Your son got a higher rank than you because of his baby face."**

**"It's my face!"**

**"And that's why you rank higher than us."**

**"I haven't seen Xu Shu either. What happened to him?"**

**"He's number 3, I bet he's getting hunted down."**

**"I heard your daughter's number 6, Guan Yu. That's got to be pretty good for you."**

**"She captured the hearts of everyone-" The wall explodes to dust and Guan Yinping (6th place) is seen running into the building away from a juggarnaut.**

**"Oh my god! I told Zhuge Liang to tell his wife to not put those things on autopilot!" The juggarnaut had Ma Chao (22nd place) standing on it yelling out,"I shall reach the top by taking her number 6! Mush! Can this go faster?!" A voice is heard from the inside, "There are so many buttons, Young Master! I'll just push all of them!" The juggarnaut speeds towards to the opposite side of the building, creating an even larger hole than the one Guan Yinping made from running through. A large gripping hand grabs the juggarnaut's rear and is pulled back into the building.**

**"Hey! Ma Dai! Why is this thing going backwards?!"**

**"I'm pressing as many buttons as I can! It's not going anywhere!"**

**"Well, try harder!" Ma Chao jumps up and down on the juggarnaut and is pulled down by Guan Yu.**

**"Why were you trying to run over my daughter...?"**

**"Why do you think?! She's-" Ma Chao freezes when he sees Guan Yu's face as he was held up. "Oh. Hoooow's it-"**

**"Answer me."**

**"Well... It's a long-" Creaking is heard through out the building. The walls and roof collapse onto everyone with a loud boom. Outside of the building, Takasugi turns to Pang Tong who was standing besides him and says, "You knew this was going to happen."**

**"Well, duh. When you make two giant holes on both sides of the building, it'll become weak and eventually, the roof will give in."**

**"You planned this."**

**"Yup. I knew about the "beat up someone and take their rank number" trend."**

**"It's not a trend."**

**"Well, everyone's doing it."**

**"What about you?"**

**"Later."**

**"Huh?"**

**"Just wait." A number 22 fly towards them. Pang Tong takes it and puts in in his robe.**

**"Wait, that's..."  
**

**"He failed to get a new rank number, so he lost his in return of that."**

**"What are you planning to do with that?"**

**"I have a contact that wants these in exchange for wine. I want to do that. I asked Yue Ying to get Ma Dai's number too."**

**"Does she care about this?"**

**"Yes. Zhen Ji's a higher rank then her, so she must beat her. She's probably gonna run off with the 11 Ma Dai has and I wouldn't blame her."**

**"Then why bother asking for her to get it?"**

**"I don't know. I'm planning to get Guan Yinping's 6, but I have to do it without Guan Yu knowing."**

**"Oh, look, there she is. She's at the rubble where the building just collapses."**

**"Hmm... Ah." Pang Tong fans a giant wind towards Guan Yinping and the wind hits the floating 6 off of her head. She notices and reaches to get it back, but it flies off.**

**"Huh? Come back!" She chases the 6 around until she grabs it violently out of the air, crushing it to smithereens. Takasugi has his mouth hanging open as Guan Yinping has the "6 dust" shifting in her hands.**

**"...She just destroyed her rank number..."**

**"Well, that was unexpected. I thought those things couldn't break."**

**"It's in Times New Roman font, it's pretty thin. The editor should have gone with Comic Sans, they're rubbery or maybe Franklin Gothic Heavy which is thick as a textbook." A number 349 appears over Guan Yinping's head.**

**"Ah! I'm at the bottom!" She eyes a crushed juggarnaut and finds Ma Dai (11th place) lying with swirly eyes. She walks up to him and snaps the 11 off of Ma Dai's head, causing blood to spew out of his head. Takasugi yells out,"What?! You bleed when that thing comes off?! Is the number part of you?! Since when did you guys bleed?!"**

**"Looks like Yue Ying has to get someone else to take their number. I should refer her to my contact."**

**"Who's your contact?"**

**"That's a secret." Fa Zheng walks up to them. "You ready?"**

**"I only got one. It's going to be a waste of a trip for one number."**

**"Well, unless you can find Zhao Yun..."**

**"Oh well, let's go." Fa Zheng snaps his fingers and a large carpet appears in front of them. Takasugi then quickly says to Fa Zheng, "Hey, are you related to Fa Mulan?" Fa Zheng rolls his eyes and groans, "Ugh... Her name is Hua Mulan, not Fa Mulan."**

**"In this case, I'll be talking about the Disney one."**

**"We don't look the same."**

**"Come on, I can see her face on you."**

**"No, you do not! You're just finding a way to imply I'm related to her!"**

**"So? It's possible."**

**"She's fictional!"**

**"You don't know that! Where does that say?"**

**"...Well..."**

**"Exactly!"**

**"Argh, let's go." Pang Tong and him get on the magic carpet and fly off.**

* * *

**Guo Jia lies tied up with Lu Lingqi sitting on him.**

**"Wow, you're very heavy. I suppose it's the armor or that you got your dad's weight-OW!" Lu Lingqi punches him on the side of the head. Lu Bu walks up to them.**

**"Oh Nu Wa, I bet you're going to rape me."**

**"What?! No! Ew! Why do you think that?!"**

**"This is how most porns start! I'm in the girl position here!"**

**"...No... No... You're disgusting... I'm trying to pry off that 4, but it's like it's glued onto your head."**

**"Then let me go! You're wasting your time on me! Get Sima Yi instead!"**

**"But he's only 8..."**

**"8 is a lucky number."**

**"I don't stand for only 8! I want the top! But I can't find Zhao Yun!"**

**"Can't you just go for Sima Yi's bitchy daughter-in-law? She's 2."**

**"Really? Where is she?"**

**"I... don't know..."**

**"Then you're going to stay here until Chen Gong figures out to break that 4 off you."**

**"Can I least eat the cookies Lu Lingqi's eating?"**

**"No, those are her cookies!"**

**Chen Gong runs up to Guo Jia holding a pan of a black substance.**

**"I have cake here."**

**"...Um... I'm no longer hungry..."**

**"You sure? It's banana."**

**"...Why is it black then...?" They look at each other blankly for a moment.**

**"...****"**

**"..."**

**"It's banana."**

**"Don't ignore the question entirely!" The wall breaks down to have Zhang Liao emerge from the dust.**

**"I, Zhang-" The wall next to him breaks to have Xu Huang.**

**"I, Xu-" The wall next to him breaks down to have Yue Jin.**

**"I, Yue-" Lu Bu angrily yells at them, "You three made giant holes in here! This structure won't hold!" Guo Jia wriggles around and yells at the three,"I'm right here! You can save me! Get this really heavy girl off me! OW!" Lu Lingqi hits Guo Jia in the head after his last sentence.**

**"I shall "save" him!"**

**"No, I will "save" him!"**

**"We all know I will be the one to "save" him!"**

**"Hey... why did you guys put emphasis on "save"?"**

**"Prepare yourselves, Lu Bu and company!" Chen Gong yells at him, "Am I not important enough to be called by name?! You asshole! You were one of us before!"**

**"That was before-" Creaking is heard throughout the building and its walls and roof quickly collapse on everyone. When the dust cleared, Guo Jia spits out dust and wriggles out to worm out of Xiapi.**

**"I need only a few... more... inches... out.. the... gate..." He continues to worm his way, but stops in exhaustion.**

**"Huff... huff... ow... my chest..." He slowly moves onto a bridge to again stop.**

**"These ropes are so tight... And I can't get up since I can't bend my back..." A large gust of wind blows on his side, tilting him closely to the edge which had a moat underneath.**

**"NONONONO!" He tries to push himself back into the center of the bridge with the wind blowing against him. The wind blows even harder and he is tipping over the edge, watching the water get closer and farther away from him.**

**"That's it. I'm dying tied up and drowning in a moat. A MOAT! No one drowns in a moat unless they're an idiot! AH! Nonnononono!" He tips over the edge, but a large wood splinter catches the rope, leaving Guo Jia to hang over the water.**

**"Oh. Now I have to pray this doesn't break." He wriggles gently to get out of his rope restrains.**

**"Man, Lu Lingqi knows how to tie a good knot. I shouldn't have seconds of Xu Chu's breakfast this morning..." He turns to see the rubble and sees Pang Tong digging around and pulling out numbers.**

**"19... 17... Ugh, 61... And a 21. Okay, you can lower the ladder." A rope ladder is lowered from the magic carpet Fa Zheng was sitting on. Pant Tong climbs it and they fly off.**

**"What...?" The rubble rumbles around to have everyone that was inside pop out. Zhang Liao (523rd place), Yue Jin (551st place), Lu Bu (642nd place), and Xu Huang (901st place) had blood trickling down their faces along with triple digit numbers floating above their heads.**

**"Great, I was already at the almost bottom, but now I'm 901!"**

**"Damn! Now what? Who do I have to beat up for-HEY! There's Emo Blondie! He hanging over there!" Guo JIa gets offended with the name he was given,"Wow, just because my hair covers one side doesn't mean I'm emo!"**

**"Get him!" The four knock each other down as they run to the bridge Guo Jia was hanging on.**

**"AH! Letmedrownletmedrownletmedrown!" He moves back and forth to make himself fall into the moat, but he only made the splinter break only a few centimeters. Over in the rubble, Lu Lingqi says to herself,"Aw, I dropped my cookie..." Chen Gong holds up his black "cake".**

**"Want some banana-"**

**"That's not even a cake nor banana-flavored and you know it!" Right when the four angry warriors were about to reach Guo Jia, a black hole appears over him and he gets sucked into it. Somewhere outside of Xiapi, the black hole appears again and Guo Jia gets thrown out onto the ground.**

**"OW! I was enjoying how good it felt when the hole sucked me until it spit me out here!"**

**"That's disgusting." said a monotone voice. Guo Jia looks up to see Sima Yi.**

**"Then don't turn up the suction so high!"**

**"I don't control how strong it sucks-Ugh, even this conversation sounds awful. Now what's the combination to Cao Cao's safe?"**

**"What safe?"**

**"The safe he keeps nudes of women."**

**"I don't know it."**

**"Xun Yu lied to me. Oh well, I'll send you back." Sima Yi holds his hands up ready to perform a spell, but Guo Jia yells at him.**

**"NO! Just cut off my ropes!"**

**"Ugh, I can't return you. It's the same with children."****  
**

**"HEY! Just let me go!"**

**"Yeah, yeah..." He holds up his finger and a laser shoots out to cut off Guo Jia's ropes. He gets up quickly and stretches.**

**"What happened to Xun Yu?"**

**"He's... in a "special" place."**

**"...Why?"**

**"He annoyed me on the way here."**

* * *

**Xun Yu was sitting in an dimension that was pitch black all over with crossed arms.**

**"I hate him now." A skull wearing simple cap floats by him and his eyes widen as he looks at it.**

* * *

**"Take him out of there!"**

**"He's fine. You have a 99.9 percent chance of not dying in there."**

**"What's the 0.01 percent?"**

**"Me forgetting the person in there and they die of starvation and dehydration." They look at each other blankly for a few seconds. Guo Jia yells at Sima Yi's abdomen,"XUN YU! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!"**

**"...I didn't... You don't... I DIDN'T F*bleep*ING EAT HIM!"**

**"Where is he then?!"**

**"The Void. You wouldn't know because you never dabbed in black magic."**

**"Where's that?!"**

**"You went through it when I created a portal for you. You should have saw him in there."**

**"...Wait... I remember a guy sitting down with crossed arms muttering..."**

**"That's him."**

**"What did he do?!"  
**

**"He wouldn't stop yapping about Cao Zhi and poems!"**

**"Spit him out."**

**"Again, I didn't eat him! Fine." He snaps his fingers, a black hole appears and Xun Yu falls out of it. He quickly gets up to glare at Sima Yi.**

**"Oh, come on, it can't be that bad in there-" Xun Yu angrily snaps his fingers and a black hole appears under Sima Yi and gets sucked into it. He quickly says to him before the hole closes, "You forgot I can do this too!"**

**"YOU SON OF a bitc-!"**

**"Shall we go now?"**

**"...You're going to let HIM out, right?"**

**"Sure... when he becomes nothing but a skull with a stupid hat that is..."**

**"Haha... You're letting him out, right?" Xun Yu ignores the question.**

**"RIGHT?"**

* * *

**Sima Zhao (35th place) walks down a road and knocks away random generics trying to attack him.**

**"Man, I should find those two or maybe at least someone I know." He sees Deng Ai (53rd place)standing in the middle of the dirt road.**

**"Hey, Deng Ai can help me here. Hey!" He runs up to him and Deng Ai turns to him.**

**"Oh, Lord Sima Zhao. How are you doing?"**

**"Well, I am looking for Yuanji and Jia Chong, but I suppose you can help me. Are you into the-" He moves out of the way just in time when Deng Ai had brought down his lance onto the ground.**

**"HEY! Wait... are you...?" He jumps out of the way for a blast of fire to hit where he was standing. Guo Huai (56th place) cocks his cannon when he walks onto the road. "Missed."**

**"Oh, come on! You two also?! Why?! Was it because I ate your soup?"**

**"It's not personal."**

**"But I certainly want to damage you."**

**"What if my father-" Deng Ai holds up a contract paper and Guo Huai reads it.**

**"Sima Yi, Zhang Chunhua, Sima Shi, Wang Yuanji, Jia Chong,..."**

***3 minutes later***

**"...and the dead maid's ghost all signed this to authorize us to hit you as long it isn't deadly. So, we're have legal consent from your father along with everyone else that you are going to use against us."**

**"...I wasn't going to use the dead maid though... Who is the dead maid?"**

**"...Someone that died years ago."**

**"Who is it?"**

**"We don't know. Sima Yi just said she had a freak accident in front of his house." He aims his cannon at Sima Zhao.**

**"Oh, I'm getting out of here!" He runs away from the multiple blasts of fire and Deng Ai's lance thrusts.**

* * *

**Wang Yuanji holds a hat over her head as she walks quickly away from random generics.**

**"Hey! You're the one in second place!" She walks faster away from them to then run when they chase after her.**

**"I'm not! Not anymore!"**

**"Bulls*bleep*!"**

* * *

**At the rubble at Shu, Liu Bei (55th place) digs himself of the dust and bricks of the collapsed building.**

**"MA CHAO! MA DAI!" Ma Chao (522nd place) and Ma Dai (439th place) get up from all the dust and bricks. They had dried blood on their faces.**

**"Wha...?"**

**"My head hurts..."**

**"You two ever heard of turning?!"**

**"I couldn't find a steering wheel in there!" Liu Bei pushes away bricks to take out a simple wheel and holds it up with an annoyed expression.**

**"Ohhh... That's what it was... I thought that was a cup holder since it was lying horizontally..."**

**"...I..."**

**"YYYYYAAARRRRGH!" Liu Bei looks up to see Ma Chao above him with his spear ready to hit him. He moves away just in time.**

**"You destroyed my crying room, and now you try to attack me!"**

**"I need to get myself out of the hole! Even though your rank is pretty low, it's still a big advancement!" Liu Bei gets up quickly to run away away from Ma Chao and Ma Dai that had their weapons ready. Fa Zheng was on his magic carpet and flies right behind Liu Bei. He whispers without Liu Bei turning to look at him.**

**"Goooo... tooo... attttaaack... Weeeei... Gooooo... before... Wuuu... dooooes..."**

**"Who's that?!" Fa Zheng moves around at all angles to avoid Liu Bei seeing him.**

**"Juuust... gooo... I'm... Liu...Bang..."**

**"If these are your words, I shall do what you wish!" Liu Bei turns and runs off towards the north. Fa Zheng flies away and Ma Caho and Ma Dai look at him skeptically.**

**"...The hell was that...?" Fa Zheng whispers to himself as he flew,"Sucker went for it..." Back at the rubble, a voice whispers, "Is he gone yet?"**

**"Yes." Zhang Fei (74th place) and Guan Yu (56th place) get up from the rubble.**

**"Well, I'm gonna go gamble."**

**"But... that's my thing..."**

**"I gamble too! I'm not called the God of Commerce for nothing!"**

**"But... you're supposed to get money the legal way..."**

**"I can't do anything in this place!" Guan Yu storms off angrily away from Zhang Fei.**


	5. Nesfew

**Guo Jia walks with Xun Yu and continues to nervously ask him, "...You were joking about leaving Sima Yi in there..? Right...?"**

**"I don't joke."**

**"I know he's a dick and every douche insult in the book...Yeah, he does deserve this, but we need him."**

**"Whatever you need can be provided by me. We're not all that different in terms of skills."**

**"Oh yeah? Can you turn your neck around by 180 degrees?"**

**"That's inhumanly impossible."**

**"I've seen him do that! I saw him turn his head 180 degrees when his wife "broke" his neck!"**

**"Why was she attempting to break his neck in the first place...?"**

**"I don't know, but she twisted his neck and he survived it! And the other thing was that she didn't seem surprised! She just twisted back like if she made a small mistake!"**

**"What were YOU doing?"**

**"Nothing. Just walking by..."**

**"Knowing you, you want to see them: A, see them get hostile and prove that they hate each other. Or B, watch and see if they would have se-"**

**"Shh! Sima Yi could hear even in the Void!"**

**"How-"**

**"You never know. That man is full of surprises. I swear I learn something new everyday about him when I'm in range of him."**

**"You're right, I could hear you." said a voice. Guo Jia shrieks in a very high-pitched voice. "I told you he can hear! Where are you?" **

**"In the Void. Watching this skull float around. I know this place pretty well, but it's hard to find an exit."**

**"Can you just cut through and get out?"**

**"That would break the system."**

**"What system?"**

**"The system."**

**"WHAT SYSTEM?"**

**"The system."**

**"You're just repeating words!" **

**"It's just called the system. I'll break the system if I just cut through the Void. Oh wait, I found this light..." A black hole appears on Xun Yu's abdomen and a hand pulls on it.**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"**

**"Oh my god, you ate him!"**

**"I didn't eat him! The exit he found must have been-GGGARGH!" Sima Yi pulls himself out of the black hole but stops to look at where he was coming out.**

**"Nope. Not going this way." He retracts his head back into the hole and it closes. Xun Yu shivers and pats himself down.**

**"I feel violated..."**

**"He came out of your stomach, that's not that bad-GAAAAGH!" A black hole appears on Guo Jia's behind and when Sima Yi's head came out, he looked around.**

**"OH HELL NO I'M GOING THIS WAY." He retracts back into the black hole and it closes up. Guo Jia shivers and curls up into a fetal position.**

**"I fe-el s-so v-violated..."**

**"Now I don't feel as violated now. You had it worse." A crack appears in front of them. Hands tear it apart to reveal Sima Yi. He gets out and closes the tear. The two yelled at him,"YOU COULD HAVE GONE THAT WAY!"**

**"I didn't find it at the time!" **

**"My asshole has expanded by possibly a meter because of you!"**

**"The portals have no effect on your body parts. It just gives you the feeling. So, you felt like you got one of Taishi Ci's rods up your bum and Xun Yu just had a really bad stomach ache."**

**"I think I felt what childbirth felt like..."**

**"Not exactly... If you asked my wife, she might have a different idea of childbirth... Your pain would be considered "light" compared to what she went through. Considering she pumped out that gorilla you call Zhao-" Sima Yi sees Xun Yu and Guo Jia puking behind separate trees.**

**"Don't us that image...!"**

**"Hmph, you two are older than me, you should at least be a little more mature about this."**

**"How can anyone listen to that description?!"**

**"Trust me, I have six younger brothers. Three I witnessed their birth."**

**"Okay! Okay! Stop describing!"**

**"Then there's..." He continues to talk and the two plug their ears.**

**"Goddamnit, I want to hear about vaginas, but for their actual use, not their intended use!"**

**"Your idea is just as bad as what Sima Yi talking about right now! And the actual and intended uses are the same!"**

* * *

**Sima Zhao pants as he stops in the middle of an empty city.**

**"This has gotten everyone into attacking everyone... I'm no different... I feel so ashamed..."**

**"If you don't want to get your hands dirty... I have a solution to your problem..." said an unknown voice. Sima Zhao turns to find a cloaked figure walking up to him.**

**"Who are you?"**

**"I have the solution to all your problems..." The figure opens its cloak to reveal pouches of white powder. It talks in a raspy voice,"Want some crack, kid-" Jia Xu pushes that person away and you hear a loud thud.**

**"Don't listen to that one! I have the actual solution!" He opens his cloak to reveal numbers in several pockets of the cloak. **

**"Those are all numbers."**

**"Yeah, no s*bleep*. Want to buy?"**

**"Huh?"**

**"Buy your way to the top. That's Yuan Shao's motto and I'm not him." Jia Xu reaches in one of the pockets and holds up a 3.**

**"A 3... Wait, did you-"**

**"Yeah, I stole 'em. You gonna go to the authorities that will still attack you? You're still a potential target."**

**"..." Sima Zhao has a devil version of him appear on his shoulder. The devil him says,"Take it! Take it! You'll be with your wife up in the top charts and beat your old man father and dumbass brother! Mwahahaha!"**

**"That's true..." He looks to his other shoulder. "Where's the other guy?"**

* * *

**An angel version of Sima Zhao is seen in a carriage napping that was holding up traffic for other carriages. Constant yelling for him to move fill up the cloud freeway. One of them was an angel version of Sima Yi. He yells out,"Goddamn it! This is always why Real Me always ends up making the worst of choices!"**

* * *

**"I don't know..." The devil Sima Zhao yells at Sima Zhao, "You dumbass! No wonder your father hates your guts!" **

**"You shut up!" He crushes the devil version of him, causing a giant blood splatter on his shoulder. **

**"EW!" Sima Zhao gets a tissue and wipes up the blood on his shoulder. Jia Xu stares as he watches Sima Zhao wipe up nothing on his shoulder.**

**"...I'm gonna go..." He turns and walks away to mutter,"Sima Yi's sons are weird..."**

* * *

**Liu Shan (50th place) sits in the middle of an empty courtroom. **

**"Where is everyone? Oh well, not my problem." Guan Suo (67th place) appears out of nowhere and pushes Liu Shan down off his chair. Guan Suo takes the number 50 off of Liu Shan. Liu Shan gets up and puts on an annoyed expression. **

**"Arh... Now, it's my problem." He jump-kicks Guan Suo into the wall and gets his 50 back that Guan Suo dropped. He walks over to the crash site and asks Guan Suo, "Everyone's gone. Why are you still here?"**

**"What's the point now? I lost." The number above Guan Suo decreases quickly to a 348. **

**"But..."**

**"I shamed myself by failing-" Liu Shan was gone. "Ah, forget it... I'll just go gamble..." He dusts himself off and walks off. The screen shows a large bold message.**

**(We here at Koei do not encourage underage gambling, so please play responsibly unlike Guan Suo over there.) **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang (176th place) walks around while rubbing his head. **

**"Nrragh... it's still throbbing..." A voice yells out, "PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINISTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Zhuge Liang ducks down to have Jiang Wei (18th place) crash into the ground next to him. He gets up quickly and says to Zhuge Liang,"I missed!"**

**"Hm..."**

**"Oh no! You're really hitting the rocks!"**

**"Uh-huh... Jiang Wei... Do you care about your rank?"  
**

**"Sure. But I can't stand to see you at the bottom!"**

**"...Yeah... Can you help me then?"**

**"Yes! What do I need to do?"**

**"Why don't you giv-share your place with me?"**

**"Of course!" Jiang Wei takes his 18 and snaps it in half. He gives a half to Zhuge Liang and his rank goes up to 18.**

**"OMG! OMG! OMG! We're the same now! Isn't that cool?"**

**"Yes... suuure... totally..." He turns his head away from Jiang Wei to whispers to himself, "Sucker..." He turns his head back. **

**"So where are we going now?"**

**"How about using this to attack Wei?"  
**

**"OMG! YES! That is genius!"**

**"You go first. I shall be with you in an hour."**

**"Yay!" Jiang Wei runs off, leaving Zhuge Liang alone and he hides his face behind his fan that he just happened to have holding in his hand. **

**"Now to find one of the top tens. Now that I think about it, all of them are pretty weak except Sima Yi and Xiahou Dun. Those two are not to be underestimated at all..." **

**"Aw, that's nice of you to say about me." A hand was on Zhuge Liang's shoulder and he turns quickly to see Sima Yi (8th place).**

**"Nu Wa and Fu Xi! When did you appear?!"**

**"Oh, just walking around here and what do I find? The man I don't ever want to see if I were taking a walk."**

**"What are you going to do? You're pretty high up, you don't need to attack me."**

**"But I can attack you just to mess up your rank."**

**"Hmm... Something's odd..." **

**"What's odd?"**

**"The top of your hat is yellow, not gold."**

**"Du... Wha... WHAT?! THAT'S WHAT YOU LOOK FOR WHEN TALKING TO SIMA YI-I mean-me?"**

**"What?"**

**"Nothing. This is a new hat."**

**"You don't change hats unless your outfit changes."**

**"Since when do you know Sima Yi's-I mean-MY fashion sense?!"**

**"Well, it's obvious and I'm the same also."**

**"Huff... Get ready to get your ass beat!"**

**"You don't talk like that... You're an impostor!"**

**"Gee, are you two-I mean-you and I f*bleep*ing married?!"**

**"Cut the act, "Sima Yi"."**

**"Grrr!" "Sima Yi" creates a giant blast of energy that knocks Zhuge Liang into a building and the building collapses onto him. "Sima Yi" cracks his knuckles and huffs in anger. **

**"Jeez... My brother is a very famous man and that it's annoying me..." A cloud of smoke poofs in front of "Sima Yi" to have Zuo Ci (60th place) stand before him.**

**"This to your liking?"**

**"Wow, you have the rank too."**

**"I keep it in my hair to stop it from rubbing into my face." Zuo Ci takes his 60 to force it into his hair. "I don't care about this ranks thing, but I can use this chaos to wreck havoc. Now, you like the body? It's your brother, so I don't mean in that way."**

**"This is what is feels like to be unique..."**

**"And you get to use magic!"**

**"Hmm... I wonder if this would work with me and women..."**

**"Hey! Don't get cocky! This body you're using is not single, so you can't just go with random women!"**

**"...Well... Sure. That's fine."**

**"A major convenience that you had a triple-digit number with an 8 in it so you can snap off the other digits to make yourself 8th place. This is now a foolproof disguise for you."**

**"But the top of my hat-"**

**"No one pays attention, it's fine."**

**"But-"**

**"Goodbye... I forget your name...**

**"It's Sima Fu! How can you forget so easily! It's just as easy as Sima Yi!"**

**"Bye." ****Zuo Ci disappears in another puff of smoke. Sima Fu huffs and mutters,"Stupid old man can't even remember two-letter names..."**

* * *

**Lu Bu (642nd place) walks with Lu Lingqi and Chen Gong.**

**"Nrrah... I'm all the way down there... How can I get back up...?"**

**"Um... Master Lu Bu?"**

**"What?"**

**"What happened to Diao Chan?" Lu Bu stops suddenly with widened eyes. "OH MY GOD, I FORGOT HER!" **

**"How...? You keep her at your side for... Huh?" Lu Lingqi unsympathetically says,"Who cares if she's not with us? She's just some lady... A FAKE lady..."**

**"Now,now... Um... Don't say that, Lu Bu is very sensitive about that topic..."**

**"What? She is."**

**"But... Okay, I have these puppets-"**

**"You don't need to reenact the stuff that happened that caused Dong Zhou's death. I know it very well since you told me that story SOOOOO MANY times when I was little." **

**"Okay, skip the puppets." **

**"We have to go find Diao Chan." declared lu Bu.**

**"Where can she be? The country's huge, not to mention the commotion about attacking each other for each other's ranks."**

**"Diao Chan's 5th place. She'll-" Lu Bu glows red and black,"THEN WE KILL WHOEVER'S TRYING TO TAKE HER NUMBER! Mine's may be taken, but I will not let someone else get hers!"**

* * *

**Sima Yi (8th place) walks down a road that had high generic activity with Xun Yu and Guo Jia (4th place). **

**"I hate how this stupid number gets in my face!"**

**"Maybe keep it under your hat."**

**"It rejects it! It pops my hat off of my head!" Sima Yi takes off his hat to cover his 8, but the 8 causes the hat to pop off his head. He picks it off the ground to put it back normally.**

**"See?" He ducks to dodge a sword swipe from a random generic. Guo Jia yells at Sima Yi,****"Why are we even taking this road?!"**

**"This is the only way to get to a safe zone. It's the place no one goes to anymore." **

**"What is it?" **

**"My father's grave."**

**"...I don't want to be hiding in a dead guy's burial spot..."**

**"Oh, who cares? No one visits it except Cao Cao."**

**"He visits everyone's graves."**

**"Yeah, exactly. It's not special."**

**"Hey! It is an honor!"**

**"If you go to several other graves after the first and second one, it stops being an honor or a special act." By the end of their conversation, they had dodged every blow generics made towards them and were away from that road.**

**"See? Time flies when you're in danger."**

**"That's not the saying!"**

**"Well, I was certainly not having fun." Xun Yu says out of nowhere,"****I hear some kind of screeching..." They turn to see a cloud of dust being kicked up towards them.**

**"Gimmee yooour number! It's not fair you get to be 25!"**

**"Stoop! You're hurting me!"**

**"Why did I get pulled in with you two girls...? Ow! Wrong person!"**

**The three get out of the way to have the cloud disperse in front of them. It revealed Xiao Qiao (47th place) hitting Da Qiao (25th place) a lot and Han Dang (52th place) that just happened to be in that cloud. He gets up to dust himself off.**

**"Don't ask. They just started duking it out and they took me along with it somehow." Guo Jia tilts his head to the side and asks,"Who are you again?" Sima Yi puts on a look of confusion when looking at Han Dang. "I don't remember seeing you around here..." Han Dang yells at them,"Come on! Really?!" Xun Yu looks back and forth at Han Dang and the two. **

**"I don't understand. This is Han Dang. What's hard to remember?" Han Dang turns to him in complete shock. He holds him up in front of Guo Jia and Sima Yi,"THIS. THIS. This man gets it! You f*bleep*wads can't even remember your own butthole from your mouth!"**

**"Looks like you can't, based on your language." **

**"You know what I mean! This man remembers my name! And he's on the opposite side!"**

**"Why are we making a big deal about this-Rgh!" Han Dang swings Xun Yu around as he was talking. **

**"I am going to rub this in everyone's faces! They will know my name!"**

**"Considering you're 52, I don't think so..." **

**"Then... I will need to take Pretty Boy's 4 there!" Sima Yi holds Guo Jia in front of him. "He's yours."**

**"HEY! No,no,no,no! Take him!"**

**"You're 4, so I'll be taking you!"**

**"4 means death!"**

**"Doesn't matter! Do I look like I care about some pun?" **

**"Looks like we're going to have to engage."**

* * *

***8-bit retro music plays***

**A box appears at the bottom of the screen. It had Takasugi holding a game controller.**

**Takasugi: A little late to be having a tutorial, but you three need this. Your enemy has armor, thus your attacks will have little damage against him. It will take longer to fight since the armor takes the damage and not the health bar. **

**(Han Dang) Lvl: 12**

**Health: 4000/4000**

**Armor: 7**

**Takasugi: You need very powerful attacks to get the armor down. Simple attacks do damage the armor, but only a little. Try using Sima Yi's Fifty Shades of Grey as it has armor-damaging properties. I'm out.**

**The box disappears and the battle starts.**

**-Fifty Shades of Grey-**

**Sima Yi goes over to Han Dang to deliver several whip slashes onto him.**

**-45 dam**

**-29 dam**

**-12 dam**

**-34 dam**

**-60 dam -1 armor**

**He runs back to where he was on the left side. **

**Han Dang: Haha! You can't hurt me as long my armor can protect me!**

**Sima Yi: That's Xiahou Ba's line...**

**Han Dang: Well, too bad!**

**Guo JIa: I really want to know what tactics is... Maybe if I take a peek in there...**

**-Tactics-**

**-Defend**

**-Offence**

**-Summon**

**-Flee**

**Sima Yi: Flee. That bastard lied to me. You CAN get out of these.**

**Guo Jia: Hey, this is my turn! I decide what to use! **

**-Summon-**

**-NSFW (Not available)**

**-Godly Judgement (Not available)**

**Guo Jia: What's "nesfew"? I can't press it.**

**A pop-up box with Takasugi appears again.**

**Takasugi: Fine, might as well tell you. These abilities are guaranteed to wipe out your enemy. I'm going to let you use the NSFW ability only this time. The summons can be used by getting a certain item that calls for them or have a party member capable of calling that summon without an item. Give the "nesfew" a try.**

**The pop-up box disappears.**

**-NSFW-**

**Takasugi runs onto the field to pull out a giant folder. He holes up a pixelated item and yells out, "NSFW DW YAOI! And it's the kind where they do butt stuff!" He shows one after another pixelated page and everyone on the field takes a blow of damage with each page. **

**Sima Yi: -899 dam, -667 dam, -789 dam, 600 dam, 567 dam**

**Oh god! Why can't I just be defeated and not suffer through all of this?!**

**Defense down**

**Guo Jia: -1249 dam, -1000 dam, 768 dam**

**Guo Jia falls down and yells out in agony.**

Guo Jia has been defeated.

**Xun Yu: -3887 dam**

**Gagh! **

**Xun Yu falls down and a message pops up.**

Xun Yu has been defeated.

**Han Dang: -589 dam, -789 dam, -679 dam, 456 dam, -876 dam, -897 dam, -all armor**

**GAAAGH! **

**Han Dang falls down and a message appears.**

Han Dang has been defeated.

**The message box pops up once again with Takasugi.**

**Takasugi: Oh, by the way, it has a chance to affect your party.**

**Sima Yi: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HELPFUL BEFORE WE USED IT!**

**Takasugi: You survived it since you have high defense thanks to your level. I'm out.**

***victory music***

* * *

**Everyone except Sima Yi was lying on the ground with swirly eyes. He was panting and wiping his eyes. Takasugi walks up to him.**

**"Okay, I have this sexy picture of your wife and Wang Yi having coitus. This should heal you."**

**"No! I need something to wipe away what you used in this battle!"**

**"Ya sure? Here you go." Takasugi holds up a picture that was blurred to the viewers eye. Sima Yi stares at it and a health bar appears above him.**

5478**/9000 **

**+7000**

**9000/9000**

**"Huh, it does work."**

**"Ah! Grr... Um... that was..."**

**"No matter how you look at it, you're a perv."**

**"Looks who's talking..." Takasugi goes next to Guo Jia's body. He holds up the blurred out photo. **

**"Oh, dear! I found this porn on Wang Yi and... her-name-is-so-long-it's-hard-for-me-to-say-without-saying-chihuahua." Sima Yi yells at him,"You made her name look short in comparison to that!" Guo Jia sits upright,"Where?! I want it!"**

**"Okay, he's up. I don't know how to revive Xun Yu there... Um... " Takasugi goes up to Xun Yu's body.**

**"Uhhh... Math."**

**"..."**

**"Science."**

**"..."**

**"Paperwork." Xun Yu gets up quickly,"I forgotten about Wei's fiscal report! I didn't file that one!" He creates a portal and he jumps into it. **

**"Look like he left the party."**

**"...Wha...? That's what triggers him?"**

**"Oh well, you should be getting something right now..."**

**Hair Regrower Aquired**

**"I don't want all of this stuff! Why do I always get them?!" yelled out Sima Yi in annoyment.**

**"Well, too bad." Guo Jia complains,****"I can't believe Xun Yu just left us for a piece of paper that no one will care about right now!"**

**"Eh, who cares?"**

**"Who cares? You're going to use me as a bargaining chip for your own life!"**

**"Well, you're more valuable since you're 4."**

**"But 4 means death!"**

**"Oh, then I should leave you then. Don't want your curse on me." Sima Yi heads in the direction he was intended to go originally. **

**"Wait! Don't just leave me!" Guo Jia chases after **

**Sima Yi. Takasugi looks at the lying body of Han Dang. The 52 above his head decrease down to a 958.**

**"Huh, looks like the rules are getting harsher. Failing to get a new rank or get attacked is what lowers your rank. this is very interesting, I'm going to follow those two." He heads in the direction the two just went.**


	6. I don't even know

**Sima Yi comes across a yard that had one large shrine. It had a name written in characters.**

**司馬防**** (Sima Fang) *Sima Yi's father***

**"Ah, there you are. Now I shall spit at your resting spot." He spits at the shrine and Guo Jia that just caught up looks at him in shock.**

**"How could you do that?! That person is going to haunt your ass!"**

**"Too bad you're here or else I would have pissed on this thing. You're lucky I have someone clinging onto me or else you would be getting a golden shower, old man." said Sima Yi to the shrine.**

**"You would pee on it too?!"**

**"Yes. When no one's around, it's fine. But you're right here, so I can't do it. No one has never seen me do my business and I'm not starting now."**

**"Not even... your spouse?"**

**"Why would Chunhua be watching me do my business? That's disgusting."**

**"Well... You two are intimate... And most married couples have-"**

**"Yes, but we both keep that information a secret from each other." **

**"Okay, let's stop talking about that. Why are we here again?"**

**"No one visits this place, thus it's a safe spot to stay in until this nonsense blows over."**

**"You sure?"**

**"Positive." **

**"Ah-ha! Found you!" They turn to see Xiao Qiao (47th place) and Da Qiao (25th place).**

**"I thought you said no one visits this place."**

**"They followed us, I guess. But I don't intend to fight two little girls."**

**"You! Give me your 4!"**

**"No!"**

**"And you! Give your 8 to my sister!"**

**"Haha... No way she could ever be 8..."**

**"What did you say, Meanie Ice Man?!"**

**"Ice Man...?"**

**"That sounds like a superhero."**

**"Get that out of your system. I am not dealing with these two." Sima Yi snaps his fingers and two holes appear over the two girls. They get sucked into the hole and they close up.**

**"Where did you send them?"**

**"Wherever the Void decides to drop them at." Sima Yi goes to sit at a stone bench near the shrine. **

**"So we're just going to sit here?"**

**"Any better ideas?" **

**"..."**

**"You're in danger, seeing you're high up in the ranks. It's best to lay low for now." After a while, it starts to rain.**

**"Great, someone's going to have a sad moment or your 4 curse is catching up."**

**"Hey, I just say that to discourage the person trying to take my rank."**

**"4 DOES means death."**

**"Oh, come on, it's just a number-What's that noise?" He turns around to see just beyond a large hill, a cloud of dust kicks up and gets closer. It was a large wave of generics along with officers from Wu and Shu. **

**"Or maybe it's true... Sima-" Guo Jia turns to see the bench with no one on it. He sees Sima Yi getting farther and farther away from him and into a forest. **

**"HEY!" Guo Jia runs after him and into the forest.**

* * *

**Cao Pi (7th place) walks around in the large square in front of the Wei palace. **

**"Now... I just need to find that little blonde woman... Or Zhao Yun... Hmph, been a while since I met him. Last time was probably when he suddenly broke out of stone and attacked me." A blade is thrusted by him, and he dodges just in time to turn around quickly to see Sima Shi. (12th place)**

**"Has your father taught you to respect your elders?" **

**"You look like you just came out of secondary school."**

**"I'm just good at taking care of myself unlike you, BOY. Your diet cannot be good for you. Keep this up, you'll look like Xu Chu."**

**"What are you? My father?"**

**"I could be. Your mother looks very lovely. I could become your new father-" He dodges a slash from Sima Shi's rapier. **

**"Tsk, tsk... Don't interrupt someone while they're talking. I always heard she dislikes Sima Yi. Well, I can arrange for her to be-" Sima Shi thrusts his blade, but Cao Pi constantly dodges each blow.**

**"That is slander!" **

**"Ohh, touched a nerve? How about this? Your mother's a whore that probably got it going with every general here."**

**"Huh, funny... Your mother was a prostitute. Oh, I wonder how many other men she has been before your father... She's the whore here."**

**"HOW DARE YOU!" Cao Pi takes out his dual blades and attacks Sima Shi. "This is no longer about the rank! You dare insult the empress! My mother! You shall not bring up that past she has tried to bury!"**

**"Looks like I touched a nerve." They cross blades.**

**"Your mother wears a hooker dress!"**

**"Your mother sucked other mens' dicks as a living!"**

**"Your mother's a middle-class commoner and will always will be! She just got lucky she got married to a Sima!"**

**"Your mother has STD's crawling all over her! And being middle-class is not even bad when compared to your mother who was just a plaything for filthy horny strangers!"**

**"Your mother can go suck my dick and she cannot refuse since I'm the Emperor! Oh, the things I can do..." **

**"Your mother can go back to prostitution! She's more suited to that than be an empress! And you're not an official emperor!"**

**"RRRRRGH!"**

**"RRRRRGH!" They push on each other's blades while spouting insults about each other's mothers. A distant roar was heard and it was getting closer to them, but they ignored it and continued to exchange blows and insults.**

**"Son of a bitch!"**

**"Son of a whore!" **

**"Abomination of man!"**

**"Seed of thousand sins!"**

**"Horse s*bleep*!" *Take ma from Sima which means "horse" in Chinese, and put a "t" at the end of "Shi"***

**"Cow piss!" Wang Yuanji runs into the square and runs past the two. Cao Pi pushes Sima shi away and runs after her. **

**"Just what I need! Get back here-GAH!" A wave of angry generics run him down as they chase Wang Yuanji down. Sima Shi moves out of the way, avoiding getting knocked over. An axe flings past him, cutting only a small sliver of his hair. He steps back and holds a few of his strands in between his fingers. **

**"I recognize that axe..." Sima Shi quickly looks up to see Jia Chong (16th place) diving towards him with his axes ready. He moves out of the way and Jia Chong properly lands on his feet.**

**"Hmph, you too. As expected. You should go for Yuanji if you want a higher rank. I'm only 12."**

**"You saw the crowd. It will be hard to reach her. I lost Cao Pi and that leaves you."**

**"Well, looks like we have to-Gh!" Sima Shi gets knocked down and is getting surfed on by Sima Zhao (35th place). **

**"Damn-gh-you-gh! I was-OW! The friction hurts my face!"**

**"This should help me get to Yuanji in time."**

**"Hey! Pay attention-gh-to-gh-ow!" His face bops up and down against the ground as he was sliding on his face. Jia Chong looks on with a face of amusement. **

**"Oh well. Looks like I'll just find Cao Pi lying around there." Jia Chong walks over to find Cao Pi (7th place) covered in shoe marks. **

**"...Nrrgh..."**

**"Now I will take that..." He reaches down, but an ice spike stabs his hand. Cao Pi gets up slowly to dust himself off.**

**"Great, who are you? I don't appreciate some Guo Huai rip-off trying to take my rank."**

**"Guo Huai rip-off...?"**

**"Guo Huai had the look first. I have no time to deal with you, I shall take down that girl and I'll be the second to Zhao Yun! Until I find him, second will have to do." Cao Pi runs to the direction the wave of generics went and Jia Chong runs after him, but Cao Pi throws ice spikes where he was at.**

**"No way I'm letting you get to her! I shall claim her number and no one shall hinder me!"**

**"Hmph, I'll find another way..." **

* * *

**A black screen fills everything. All you hear was Sima Yi's voice.**

**"Why is everything so black? I can't see nor move... What happened to the forest?" A message gets typed onto the black screen.**

**You're in a forest. You come across two trails. The left leads into a dark and scary land while the right has rainbows and light coming from it. Which do you choose? **

**-Go to the left**

**-Go to the right**

**-Do nothing-**

**You're standing there looking like an idiot. What do you do?**

**-Go to the left-**

**-Go to the right**

**-Do nothing**

**You go through all the torture and pain that side has to offer only to then find a peaceful valley. You see a mountain with clouds going around it. What do they look like?**

**-**A pair of boobs****

**-A dragon tail**

**-Clouds-**

**"These are not legitimate answers!"**

**Gee, thanks Captain Obvious. They're clouds, but what do they look like?**

**-A pair of boobs**

**-A dragon tail**

**-A cotton swab-**

**You look at these clouds as you go up this mountain. Halfway, you see a mountain lion. What do you do?**

**-Back away and go back down-**

**-Kill it**

**-Scare it**

**You become a pussy and run down the mountain just because some big cat was in your way. You're back at the valley and you see a unicorn. What do you do?**

**-Pet the unicorn**

**-Look at the unicorn**

**-Kill the unicorn-**

**WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST UNICORNS?! You sure you want to do this?**

**"YES."**

**It's a rare being. You sure?**

**"YES."**

**You kill the unicorn and its blood covers you. You killed it. You dick.**

**You win. **

* * *

**Sima Yi walks out of the forest.**

**"Well, that sucked." He hears rustling and sees Guo Jia with his one of his eye closed and had blood flowing from it.**

**"Your should move that bang out of your other eye. You poked your eye on a branch or something?"**

**"...I wanted to pet the unicorn, but it stabbed me in the eye..."**

**"...You chose to pet it?"**

**"What about you?"**

**"I killed it."**

**"You ass! What do you have against unicorns?!"**

**"They're horses with a deformity." Guo Jia gasps in shock at Sima Yi's comment. **

**"I can't believe you would say that! It's not a deformity!"**

**"A horse... hmph..." **

**"Oh... Now I get it..."**

**"Hm?"**

**"Your name means-KPH!" A large rock hits Guo Jia's face. He holds his face in pain and had tears flowing from both of his eyes. The damaged eye he had flowed more blood.**

**"OW! Why...? You hit me in my other good eye!"**

**"I'm getting sick of the of horse puns."**

**"Come on! They all go to Ma Chao and Ma Dai mostly anyway! And I wasn't even planning to make one!"**

**"I was being cautious."**

**"My ass!" Takasugi was sitting on a rock with a computer.**

**"You two like the adventure?"**

**"That was barely anything!"**

**"It was good in my opinion."**

**"My ass!"**

**"And it is a nice one that puts most of the women to shame."**

**"Really...?"**

**"I actually found out from most of the women here is that your best feature was your ass. And this includes Zhang Chunhua. The only why she still even bothers is that she just likes your ass."**

**"..."**

**"Really? Sima Yi can't have that good a butt. It's a butt. You poop out of that."**

**"Wow, gee, thanks for giving me that image! I really wanted to eat this chocolate bun you ruined it for me!" said Takasugi sarcastically. **

**"Um? Excuse me?" A figure in a cloak and rice hat walks up to them. **

**"Oh, I recognize the voice. Hi, Diao Chan."**

**"Shh! Don't say it out loud! I've been running from people all day here!" Diao Chan removes her hat and her number pops up. (5th place.)**

**"Just behind Guo Jia. Let me guess, you need to get to Lu Bu?"**

**"Why yes, now that I think about it."**

**"Why weren't you with him the first place?"**

**"I was out when this "epidemic" started, I couldn't reach the house in time." **

**"Sima Yi, use your portal magic to send her to Lu Bu."**

**"I-"**

**"Come on, you can be that of an ass to refuse her?"**

**"She's old enough to be my mother."**

**"Whoa! What?! Wow, that's... wow." **

**"Just do it."**

**"Alright." Sima Yi creates a hole under Diao Chan. She yells,"Wait! How do you know it will-"  
**

**"This is a hundred percent accurate and I'm a certified warlock." Diao Chan gets sucked into the hole and it closes up.**

* * *

**Lu Bu (642nd place) looks around furiously at a country side. **

**"Where is she?! Come on, you two! Search!" Chen Gong throws random pebbles and twigs while squatting down.**

**"Huff... it's a large country... One woman in a country is like a grain of rice in a bag of sand." Lu Lingqi skips rocks at a random pond nearby. A finger taps Chen Gong. **

**"Mh? Wha..-Gh!" Diao Chan (5th place) was standing over him. Chen Gong calls out, "Hey, Master Lu Bu, I found her! I think I deserve a raaaaaaise for this!" Lu Bu runs over to the area and pushes Chen Gong into a tree. **

**"Ggh!"**

**"Oh! Diao Chan! How did you...?"**

**"Oh, the man with the purple hat sent me here. I owe him my thanks even though he just called me old."**

**"Hmmm... Oh well, we have you and that's all that matters." Chen Gong angrily groans while sliding down on the tree. **

* * *

**Sima Fu runs to building to building and pants with every step.**

**"Huff... this body... is so... huff... It's hard to run in this. How can he walk around with this body all of his life?" He slows down to walk in an uncoordinated manner. **

**"The joints are so stiff... I look like a doofus." A shadow moves in a nearby alley and Sima Fu looks over to see nothing.**

**"Just a cat..." **

**"NOW!" A net falls onto Sima Fu and he gets tangled in it. **

**"Oh crap, I forgot he's..." He looks through the holds of the net to see Wang Yi (10th place) approach him. **

**"Oh come on! This guy-I mean-I am not even that valuable! You need to grab Guo Jia!"**

**"I can't find him, so I will do with you."**

**"Sex?"**

**"What?! No! The 8! How can you betray your spouse?!"**

**"Sorry, this is how most porns start, so I just got defensive."**

**"Now I will take my prize." She reaches for the 8 that was floating on Sima Fu's head, but a shock hits her hand.**

**"Ah!" She retracts it to turn to see Zhen Ji (34th place). **

**"If anyone's going to be 8, it's me. You are barely even here, so I think you can hold off being in the high spot."**

**"Why? You had no screentime. I mean, that bowl of meatbuns Zhang Chunhua was holding had more screentime than you..."**

**"Don't compare me to a bowl of flour and meat bundled together!"**

**"Isn't that what we all are? Meat bundled up in a soft covering?"**

**"And I had WAY more screentime than that bowl of meatbuns!"**

**"Why are you two ladies are even talking about that...? I was staring at Zhang Chunhua's chest to the point I forgot she was even holding that."**

**"Ugh! Perv!" **

**"Hey! At least she got more screentime than you!"  
**

**"No she did not! She spent most of the time either, A: whipping your ass or B: being Me #2!"**

**"And she did a good job on it."**

**"Ugh! How could you say that?! I was here first! You saw all of my glory from the very beginning! Now I'm reduced to this..."**

**"Really...? I don't remember..." ****Sima Fu mutters to himself,"Maybe Yi knows this better than I..."**

**"Now give me that 8!" Zhen Ji tears the net and grabs Sima Fu at the collar. He screams and wriggles in her grip.**

**"He's surprisingly light..."**

**"AH! How did you even pick me up?! I feel so light-headed..."**

**"You're lighter than Yue Jin..." Zhen Ji swings Sima Fu around with ease.**

**"I'm going to puke... I'm so dizzy..."**

**"Sima Yi's acting a little odd today. He would normally bitch and kick me, but he's just screaming at the top of his lungs."**

**"Maybe he finally lost his balls to his wife." commented Wang Yi.**

**"Could be-Ah!" A wire slaps Zhen Ji's hand and she drops Sima Fu.**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Wires wrap around Sima Fu and he gets dragged along the ground face-down. "Oh, I recognize these...Phht! Oh yay! I get to see my sister-in-law! Phht! Ugh! Dust!" He gets dragged another few niles and Wang Yi (10th place) and Zhen Ji (34th place) run after him. Sima Fu jokes to the two following him,"Look like I'm popular with the ladies here."**

**"Oh, shut up! if you weren't married, I bet you would be stuck being like Guo Jia."**

**"Constantly filling his empty soul with countless one-night stands..."**

**"Wow, you make him sound deep."**

**"I can tell he's a sad soul that wants to be loved. But it's not going to be me."**

**"That's harsh, Wang Yi, even for you."**

**"You're no lovable person either. The only reason why you never divorced your wife even when she was very young was that she filled your empty soul of loneliness." Sima Fu had tears flowing from his eyes like a waterfall.**

**"You made me cry from that simple story you gave me! You could be an author, you know!"**

**"...I've never seen Sima Yi cry his eyes out before..."**

**"Your evaluation must have really digged into him that he broke. Wow, you did something no one could do. Break Sima Yi."**

**"What about his wife?"**

**"We all know she could do that, but someone else besides her." Sima Fu turns himself to face the two chasing him.**

**"Oh well, let's make some conversation."**

**"..."**

**"...Are you high?"**

**"No."**

**"Sima Yi, you're on drugs. Don't deny it."**

**"Why would I be on drugs?"**

**"You're acting all nice..."**

**"Ggh...! I mean, f*bleep* you two and your mothers!"**

**"Hey! What was that?!"**

**"Your boobs are sagging and you know it!" Zhen Ji hits Sima Fu in the face with a hair pin. It gets stuck in his cheek.**

**"OW! When did they let women keep blades in their hair?! Whooooa!" The wires raise him up in the air and he goes even faster to then crash into a wall. He lies crooked and flat onto the wall. Wang Yi and Zhen Ji stop at where Sima Fu was and watched him slide off the wall. **

**"Uggggh..."**

**"He looks really silly like this..."**

**"I'm not complaining. I've always wondered what he is like when he gets pressed into a wall." **

**"He looks like a purple blob if you look at the correct angle-Oh, he fell off." Sima Fu groans and says to the two women,"This isn't funny..."**

**"Yes, it is since it's you we're talking about." **

**"You, come out. We both know this is your handy work."**

**"I have a name." said a voice.****  
**

**"Your name is so long... I can't say it without my tongue getting tired."**

**"It's only three syllables!"**

**"Too much. I'm used to saying two syllable names."**

**"Sima Yi isn't a two syllable name."**

**"But you can say it fast, yours requires work..."**

**"Ugh..."**

**"Just show yourself before..." Zhen Ji eyes the lying Sima Fu. She picks him up and swings him around. "Before Sima Yi here is getting shamed for his 8!"**

**"..."**

**"Maybe if you call her by her name, she'll know what you're doing."**

**"Fine. Zhang Chun. ****There you go." Zhang Chunhua (27th place) walks up to Zhen Ji and you can make out a few veins popping out of her forehead.**

**"HOW COULD YOU BE SO LAZY TO NOT EVEN SAY THAT VERY LAST SYLLABLE?"**

**"I'm just going to call you Zhangshi then."**

**"That's even worse!"**

**"Fine, chihuahua."**

**"NO!" **

**"Bitchy McBitch."**

**"That's Sima Yi's codename for you when he talks to me about you."**

**"Oh, that bastard!" Zhen Ji slams Sima Fu into the ground multiple times. **

**"Ow! Ow! Why do you hit me so much?!"**

**"Huh...? He sounds funny..."**

**"What? Like Jerry Lewis funny or Robin Williams funny?"**

**"...No. He doesn't have his normal sarcastic tone."**

**"I didn't know you even pay attention to that."**

**"It's the first thing I hear everyday, of course I can recognize it."**

**"You two actually sleep together?"**

**"Don't go off topic. Sima Yi is probably on something and that's why he's not his usual self."**

**"You don't seem very worried about him."**

**"What would be the point of doing so? He can't get hurt by certain things and neck-snapping doesn't affect him."**

**"Huh..." Zhen Ji looks at Sima Fu lying on the ground with blood flowing from his head. **

**"Oh wait! The 8! I'll be taking this..." She snaps off the 8 from Sima Fu and puts it near her head. Her 34 rejects the 8 and goes back onto Sima Fu's head.**

**"What...? Any of you explain-" Wang Yi and Zhang Chunhua were talking, ignoring Zhen Ji.**

**"You know, going out in that dress is a ticket way to Hell for you. I can shoot an arrow at your chest and it'll go through you."**

**"What about you? Your armor is not covering your chest as well."**

**"I don't need to worry about anyone going to attack me there. I can protect myself."**

**"Hey! Why are you suddenly ignoring this nice 8 here?!"**

**"It's sort of boring if Sima Yi doesn't resist. I'll come back to grab him when he starts to go back to his normal self."**

**"He's right there! Can't you just grab the 8 and go? I can't since it won't stay on my head!"**

**"I don't care about rank. It's just fun to mess around with him."**

**"You're a grown woman and you toy with your spouse like if he were a playmate or something..?"**

**"You don't?"**

**"...It's weird..."**

**"Maybe you should spend more time actually using your mouth for talking with your husband rather than use it to-"**

**"I know what you're going to put there and I will not let you finish your sentence."**

**"...kiss all the time."**

**"...Eh?" **

**"Get your mind out of the gutter."**

**"No,no,no! You were about to say "blowjob"!"**

**"What's a blowjob?"**

**"Don't play dumb just because you're the youngest here! It would have worked if you were a little kid, but you're a grown woman in her 30's!" Sima Fu quickly gets up and begins to stammer words.**

**"I d-d-don't know if you th-three c-c-can hear me, but y-y-you sh-sh-should look b-b-behind you." **

**"What?" They turn to behind them to see an army of juggarnauts going towards them. **

**"I suggest move."**

**"NO S*bleep*!" As everyone begins to turn to run, the juggarnauts spread wings and speed right into them directly. They are in the air and are stuck onto the front of the juggarnauts. Wang Yi groans and fights against the wind to move up the juggarnaut. She gets on the top and pulls off the hatch to see no one driving it.**

**"How are these things moving?" Sima Fu was holding on the rear of a juggarnaut and was flapping around. **

**"I'm going to slip!" Zhang Chunhua yells at him,"Why don't you use your magic instead of looking like a windsock?!" She pulls herself to the hatch of the juggarnaut and opens it to go in. Sima Fu takes one hand to hit himself in the head.**

**"Oh right! I forgot I was using Yi's body! Okay, here goes!" He uses his free hand to cast a large platform under him. He stands on it and he floats around the juggarnauts.**

**"This is awesome-I mean-Of course I knew how to do this. Since I'm Sima Yi. Who can use magic." Noises are heard within the juggarnaut he was flying next to. The hatch pops off to have Zhang Chunhua climb out, but she gets pulled back inside.**

**"Hands off!"**

**"You're barely added to this roster and you still rank higher than all of us!"**

**"I didn't choose this!"**

**"Give me that number!"**

**"Get Zhen Ji's!"**

**"Come on, she's old-school." Zhen Ji angrily looks at that one juggarnaut and yells at it. **

**"Old-school?!" The hatch pops off to Zhang Chunhua climb out again. She gets away from the hatch. A hand extends out to pull up a bruised Yue Ying (57th place). Zhen Ji complains,"Come on! That's my thing! I beat up Yue Ying! Not her!" **

**"Looks like she's the new-" says Wang Yi.**

**"You finish that sentence and I'll throw you off this."**

**"Admit it, you're losing your touch."**

**"I can get it back! Sima Yi over there can wait, I can get you."**

**"Oh, no you don't! You can pry this 10 out my cold dead fingers..." The two glare at each other and they begin to fight each other by hitting each other with their weapons. Sima Fu looks at the two fights going on and yells out,"Whoo! Catfights!" All four women shoot some sort of projectile at him and he falls off his floating platform. **

**At the bottom, Zhuge Liang (18th place) was walking while looking up at the flying juggarnauts.**

**"A mix of Yue Ying's autopilot features and my spells should keep those things up in flight. Hm?"**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sima Fu lands right on Zhuge Liang's head and they end up lying on each other. **

**"Sima Yi or the imposter?"**

**"Sima Yi."**

**"The real one would gave me a sarcastic answer. You're the imposter."**

**"Oh, shut up." Sima Fu creates a platform and he climbs onto it to fly off. Back on the flying juggarnauts, on one group of juggarnauts was a mess of Wang Yi and Zhen Ji fighting each other. On the other, was ****another mess that contained Zhang Chunhua and Yue Ying beating and hitting each other.**

**"What's your problem?!"**

**"You're new and you are higher in rank than me when I've been here since DW4!"**

**"You're only making things worse!"**

**"I will stop if you just give up the 27!"**

**"27's not even that good! Wang Yi over there is 10!"**

**"I'll go after her once I'm done with you!"  
**

**"Come now, really? You think you can win without your gadgets?"**

**"I have this." She holds up her daggar-axe and holds it right at her face.**

**"Aw, that's nice. I didn't know you had toys."**

**"It could stand a chance against your strings."**

**"We shall see, won't we?" The two hold an offensive stance, but the the surface below them shakes heavily. **

**"What the-?" **

**"Something's wrong with the..." Yue Ying sees the juggarnaut near her destroyed and she sees Wang Yi and Zhen Ji beaten up.**

**"Oh no."**

**"Oh no what?"**

**"That contained the mechanism that is keeping this up in the air..."**

**"..."**

**"..." All of the juggarnauts stop moving and everyone and everything falls straight down. As everyone was falling, Zhang Chunhua shoots many wires that attaches to a building's railing and swings to that. Yue Ying grabs her foot and gets taken with her.**

**"Ah! What now?!"**

**"We're not done and I'm certainly not going to crash down with those two over there!" **

**"You're weighing down on my leg so much, I think it'll get longer."**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang gets up rubbing his head.**

**"Ugh... My chest and back hurt... Huh?" He looks up to see random metal parts and Wang Yi and Zhen Ji. **

**"Ohhhh... shi-" Everything crashes onto him with a loud boom.**


	7. Kool-Aid man cameo

**Zhou Yu (37th place) had Lu Su ****(34th place) ****in a chokehole while Lu Su was trying to escape it.**

**"I don't understand how me, someone who has been here since forever lost to you, someone who just came out of generic hell!"**

**"Wait... ugh... It's not-Ggh!"**

**"You spent the whole story after I died to clinging onto Zhuge Liang's robes like some eager puppy!"**

**"Uggh... Zhou Yu... I don't think you're getting the idea here... Ggh!"**

**"What idea? That you're better than me? Huh? Is that it?"**

**"Well, I-gah!" Zhou Yu tightens his grip around Lu Su's neck.**

**"Huff... I'm losing it. I'm old-school now and everyone wants the new hot young faces that are barely worth talking about..."**

**"Maybe it's not too late. You can run over to Wei and grab Wang Yuanji's number 2... Kmph..."**

**"Interesting... And number 2... hehehe..." His grip loosens a bit. Lu Su sees this and continues to butter up Zhou Yu.**

**"Yeah, you can kick Sima Yi's butt and take his 8. 8's lucky. I'm pretty sure you can beat him up. Oh, or maybe Lu Xun. Yeah, definitely Lu Xun. You'd eat him for dinner."**

**"I know that. But I cannot just settle for 8 or 7."**

**"Hey, you got higher than Zhuge Liang."**

**"That's right! Shows that stupid show off that I'm so much better than him! I have my looks! I always have that against him!" His grip loosens completely and Lu Su slowly lifts Zhou Yu's arm off his neck and slowly moves under to get away from him. He replaces what was under Zhou Yu's arm with Da Qiao (25th place and was transported there by portal). Zhou Yu resumes his iron grip on her.**

**"Lu Su-Huh? You... Hm..." **

**"I don't like the face you're making..."  
**

**"Sorry, it's not personal, it's business." Zhou Yu rips off the 25 off of Da Qiao's head and she spews out blood. She faints from the sight of the blood. Zhou Yu's 37 absorbs the 25.****  
**

**"Sun Ce doesn't have to know about this... I'll just pin on... Gan Ning. Yeah, Gan Ning. They'll believe me since, come on, it's Gan Ning." **

**"HEY! Zhou Yu! Why'd you do that?!" Xiao Qiao (47th place) runs up to him to hit him in the stomach. He coughs and flies near Da Qiao's body. **

**"Nnnrgh...Huh?" **

**"I can't believe you! You would do this to...mmmh mmmhmm!" Zhou Yu puts in earplugs and picks up Xiao Qiao by the collar. She moves around furiously in his hand.**

**"Time out." Zhou Yu throws her up to take out his staff to hit her like a baseball to have her fly all the way up in the air. A twinkle blinks as she disappears in the sky.**

**"Whoa, that's a record. Wait, does this count as child abuse or domestic abuse? I honestly can't tell." **

**"BOTH!" yelled Lu Meng (43rd place) as he rode by on a horse. **

* * *

**Sima Yi walks for a moment and stops. **

**"Why did we stop?" asked Guo Jia.**

**"I just realized I don't need to walk." He holds up his hands and creates a black hole under him. He is about to get sucked in, but Guo Jia grabs onto his arm.**

**"Take me with you!"**

**"THEN JUST ASK ME FOR ANOTHER HOLE INSTEAD OF THIS! And you're touching me!"**

**"Isn't this faster?"**

**"NO! It actually crashes the-" The two get sucked into the hole and area around that one hole cracks. Takasugi looks at it worryingly. **

**"Oh god, the system can't take this!" The background splits into random cracks and static. **

**"I have to get out this area! It's glitching!" He presses a button on his Pip-Boy and disappears. The screen shakes vigorously to emit a screeching sound and the whole area turns blue.**

**An error has occurred. :(**

* * *

**Jia Xu (25th place) whistles happily as he tosses a pouch of money up and down.**

**"Happy hour here I come." **

**"Where did you get that?" Jia Xu stops to see Xun Yu. He quickly hides the pouch of money and denys,"What money?"**

**"The pouch there."**

**"How do you know it's money?"**

**"So it is money."**

**"It could be rocks."**

**"Jia Xu, I'm not having a battle of random remarks with you. That's Guo Jia's job with you."**

**"You started it."**

**"Where did you get that? I hope you didn't steal it."  
**

**"Of course not! That's stupid! I made it legally!"**

**"By selling or offering what?"**

**"Numbers... Lottery numbers."**

**"Hmph. I would have believed you until I saw that 14 hanging out of your pocket." Xun Yu points at a 14 that was sticking out of Jia Xu's pocket.**

**"This is a... cookie!" He takes the 14 and pretends to bite it. **

**"Not air bites, regular bites."**

**"Mm..." Jia Xu chews off the 14 and chews it in front of Xun Yu.**

**"It does taste like Times New Roman... Good for the heart!" **

**"You've been selling rank numbers-" Jia Xu was already leaving a trail of dust before Xun Yu finishes his sentence. When he got away, he spits out the piece he bit off of the 14 he was holding. **

**"...A little glue'll fix that..." He pours a small sliver of glue on the 14 and attaches the bitten piece onto it. "Don't know why Xu Chu liked the taste of these... They taste like ink. Hm?"**

**"Get off of me!" **

**"I said we're not done!"**

**"You do not decide that!" Jia Xu looks up to see a figure clinging onto another figure's leg and was swinging from roof to roof and were yelling at each other. **

**"Wow, the view's nice up here. And I don't mean your panties that keeps getting my face."**

**"GRR! Don't mention them then!"**

**"Wow, you're more sensitive than I thought. I think see Korea from here. Oh, maybe even the Roman Empire!"**

**"I'm glad you're getting a nice vacation tour here! But you're pulling my leg off its socket with your heavy behind!"**

**"Wow, I never thought you'd get sarcastic. That's normally Sima Yi's thing."**

**"He rubbed off on me."**

**"Heh, and literally also."**

**"What was that?!"**

**"You knoooow... "**

**"I think Zhen Ji rubbed off on you as well..."**

** Jia Xu yells at the roofs,"HEY! Get a room! And let me get a picture to sell!" A finger taps his shoulder and he turns around to get a a blow to the face. He was out cold and a high heel walks near his face. A hand snaps off the 25 and blood spews out of him. The camera moves up to reveal Zhen Ji absorbing the 25 as her own.**

**"If I can't have Wang Yi's 10, might as well settle for this. At least I got higher than Zhang Chunhua."**

**"Oh NOW you say my full name!" said a voice that echoed from far away.**

**"HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU HEAR THAT?!" A 882 replaces itself on Jia Xu's head.**

* * *

**A black hole opens to have Sima Yi fall out and Guo Jia lands right on top of him.**

**"Ggh! This is why you cannot have more than one person in those things! Get off!" He flings Guo Jia off of him. **

**"Wow, you could have just ask for me to get off."**

**"Knowing you, you cannot process things unless it has made through your dead brains cells."**

**"Hey, if I became dumb, then I would have been on the streets begging by now. But no, I'm still healthy and my brain is too."**

**"I doubt you would be on any street. More like the sewers."**

**"How about you? I bet you will meet your end in that way someday if you keep working so hard."  
**

**"You cannot try to turn this against me. I am foolproof that I won't become some vegetable."**

**"Arrows will ruin you someday. Like if one were to hit your spine."**

**"I don't see them ruining me right now. That's Wu's problem anyway." Takasugi runs up to Sima Yi to yell at him,"You damaged a map! The programmers have to reboot that! Do you know how much work it is to fix a broken map?!"**

**"Oh, the forest. That was an area where, I don't know, NO ONE fought in. Unless you counted Yiling, but that forest wasn't that forest."**

**"Come on! You won't get to see the unicorn!"**

**"Who cares about some horse with a deformity?"**

**"See? This is why you're only 8." He looks up to see two figures swinging around in the air. Wires shoot around wildly around that area. Yelling is heard.**

**"That's it! You're getting off!"**

**"You're seriously just going to let me fall down and splatter the street?"**

**"You can land on your own two feet!" Wire shoots towards to another building and the figures swing to there. Guo Jia then points while saying quickly,"Ohh, panty shot!" **

**"You see here, Sima Yi? This is why he gets 4."**

**"You just like him because he thinks like you!" Takasugi ignores him and continues to watch the swinging figure.**

**"Why am I thinking about Spider-Man right now...? Yeah, that's right. I said Spider-Man. Sue me, Stan Lee." **

**"I swear I can recognize those voices... But I can't tell because of their tones..."**

* * *

**Yue Ying (57th place) was still clinging to Zhang Chunhua's l(27th place) eg as they swung from roof to roof.**

**"I don't understand why I got stuck with you..."**

**"Hey! You got it easy! You could've gotten stuck with Zhen Ji and she would have actually bit your leg off!"**

**"I think that's more like Wang Yi, and I would rather be stuck with her." She extends her arm to shoot another set of wires, but nothing comes out. The two freeze in fear.**

**"..."  
**

**"I thought those wires were infinite."**

**"...Afraid not..." The two fall down.**

* * *

**"Sima Yi, look up." said Guo Jia pointing to the sky.**

**"Oh no, I'm not falling for that again."**

**"NO! Look up!"**

**"Nu-uh. I'm not letting you trick me-" Sima Yi unknowingly catches Yue Ying. Guo Jia says to him,"Um... look in your hands..." **

**"Hm? Ugh." Sima Yi drops Yue Ying quickly.**

**"Ow! Why drop me like some piece of garbage?!"**

**"You are garbage. You're wearing green, so it fits." **

**"Sima Yi, another one." **

**"Do I look like some-Ggh!" Zhang Chunhua lands on Sima Yi directly, using him to cushion her fall. Sima Yi lies face-down as she was sitting on him.**

**"Aw! No fair! It's raining women and Sima Yi's the one that gets hit with them!" **

**"I have a mod for that! But... well... the women are... damaged during the processed, so it's not used a lot..." said Takasugi.**

**"...My back... I think it finally broke..." Sima Yi reaches up to feel around on his back to accidentally grope his wife's behind. She quickly gets up in surprise.**

**"Ah!" Sima Yi slowly gets up and stands upright stiff. **

**"Okay... my back's fine..." He looks towards the two women.**

**"What are you two doing? Trying to break me for the 8?"**

**"Well..."**

**"I'm not."**

**"Oh, we both know that is bull poop. 27's not a number to be happy about, so you're going for me or for Guo Jia over there. You know what? Take him."**

**"HEY! I have feelings! Don't bargain me off like some hooker!"**

**"He looks like an easier target than Sima Yi..." The two look at Guo Jia with malicious intent. **

**"Hey... I prefer it if Yue Ying stays out of the equation... But I don't mind her getting on me..."**

**"What's that supposed to mean?"**

**"Don't get me wrong, you're pretty, but... You're not my type."**

**"I was not planning to get the 4 though. So, he's all yours." **

**"What are YOU planning to do?"**

**"Oh, just spend some time with Sima Yi. Now let's go, dear."**

**"Oh no! You're pulling some bulls*bleep* here. I can see it in your face." **

**"You're still mad about me attempting to attack you back home?"**

**"Not really." **

**"Then we should be on pretty good terms." Zhang Chunhua pats Sima Yi on the back multiple times.**

**"What are you doing...?"**

**"Isn't this how men make up? By hitting each other on the back? Do I need to hit harder?" The pats become louder and Sima Yi makes a face mixed with pain and annoyment. A crack is heard.**

**"KMPH! No... that's not how it works..." He kneels down in pain, clutching his back.**

**"Oh." She puts her hand on his shoulder. The 27 above her head turns into an 8. Guo Jia gasps,"What did you do?!" Takasugi steps in to dramatically say,"She absorbed his 8."**

**"Whaaaaa?!"**

**"It's simple." He dramatically points as he was talking, "Knowing Sima Yi's weak spots in his back, she incapacitated him, thus making him weak to let her mosquito up his 8 without actually damaging him!"**

**"Are you comparing me to a mosquito?!"**

**"Sure, why not? You suck the life out of people like how a mosquito does with blood." Yue Ying sees this and goes up to Sima Yi. She puts her hand on his shoulder but nothing happens. She slaps her hand onto the shoulder and when nothing happens, she keeps slapping her hand onto Sima Yi's shoulder until he yelled out,"What the *bleep* are you doing to me?!"**

**"How come it worked for her?" Sima Yi stands up to point sternly at Zhang CHunhua.**

**"HA! I knew it! You were bulls*bleep*ing me to get my 8!"**

**"So? You're fine."**

**"You could have turned into a vegetable if you hit the wrong part!" Takasugi comments,"Ohh, I bet you're gonna be an eggplant!"**

**"NOT THAT KIND OF VEGETABLE!"**

**"Oh well, Yue Ying, there's always Guo Jia. He's right here. Just being himself. Up for grabs."**

**"I'm not some old piece of furniture you just threw out!" A black hole appears to have Xun Yu walk out of it. Guo Jia then grabs him to shake back and forth,"THERE YOU F*BLEEP*ING ARE! YOU F*BLEEP*ING LEFT US FOR PAPER!"**

**"I couldn't just leave it... It'll dig at me..."**

**"Come on, Goody-Two Shoes!"**

**"Why are there two people in 8th place?" **

**"Apparently you can "absorb" place ranks!"**

**"Hmph."**

**"Don't "hmph" me!"**

**"But Sima Yi is not scathed. It doesn't matter as long he is not shamed."**

**"But..."**

**"I am entrusted to you two for protection from getting your undergarments from getting exposed."**

**"Entrusted? By who?"**

**"Well... uh... I feel like I should be with you two, that's all. Since you two are in Wei that are pretty high up. Xiahou Dun doesn't need me for obvious reasons. I have no rank number thus-"**

**"I'm going to sleep over your droning voice..." Xun Yu creates a force field right when Yue Ying was about to strike Guo Jia with her dagger-axe.**

**"Whoa!"**

**"You're in the way."**

**"As are you. If I fail this job, I'm going to have to commit suicide." Guo Jia yells out,"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! That's a little much! And you didn't get any screen time yet!"**

**"I was joking."**

**"SOME JOKE!" Takasugi writes down notes on a notepad.**

**"Subject XY is doing fine... Better than Subject XS... Totally better then Subject XS. Can perform magiec like Sima Yi... Looks like Sima Yi... but without... stupid hat..." Sima Yi's forehead has a vein pop out. He turns to Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Looks like you're going to have a bad time! With that 8 floating above your head, you're a walking bull's eye!"**

**"Look who's talking. The stupid-I mean-silly hat gives it away that you're Sima Yi."**

**"At least I have protection!"**

**"Hm? You mean the perverted blondie and you number 2? Not to mention he's carrying a bad omen?"**

**"You believe that stuff?"**

**"With all of the stuff happening, keeping him around will get you caught with your pants down eventually. Literally."**

**"Looks like it's time for Plan B!" Yue Ying swings at Zhang Chunhua, but she dodges.**

**"Looks like I'm going to have to settle this. Oh well." She takes out her wired gauntlets, but they crumble into pixels before her. **

**"What the-?" Takasugi examines the pixels on the ground. **

**"Looks their source code is corrupted. I'm afraid you're going to have to use a different weapon until the programmers are going to have to fix that."**

**"What can I use?"**

**"Sima Yi could figure that out." Sima Yi looks at him. "...Why do you always rely on me? Fine..." He reaches into his pocket to take his gloves from DW6 and hands them to Zhang Chunhua**

**"They are similar except no protection for the hands."**

**"Why do you happen...?"**

**"Just in case... "**

**"For what? Your whip breaking?"**

**"Eh-dh-Just go and fight Yue Ying!" The two charge and attack each other. Sima Yi walks back to where Xun Yu and Guo Jia are standing.**

**"So, how's your date with paperwork, pencil-pusher?"**

**"That's nice. Just insult me right when I came back."**

**"That's my job. Unfortunately, you're never fazed by the insults. Except for the food box."**

**"DON'T YOU MENTION THE FOOD BOX."**

**"Oh, I'm going to talk about the food box!" Takasugi says to them,"I suggest moving because you know, there's an army of generics coming this way." They all turn to see a wave of generics stampeding the street and the two women who were fighting get caught into the wave. The generics get cleared away as one woman gets thrown around by the other. **

**"Let's go."**

* * *

**Sima Zhao (35th place) surfs on his Sima Shi's (12th place) body and they knock down many generics out of the way. **

**"This is really efficient! Why don't I do this all the time?" Sima Shi says to him,"Because Father will drown you if you use this too much. You broke down so many walls with this-Kaghmp! Blagh! Ugh! Dirt! This floor is so dirty!" Wang Yuanji (2nd place) was running to the end of the hallway of the palace, but gets caught at a dead end. **

**"Damn..." The wave of generics catch up, but they get knocked away quickly with Sima Zhao sliding on his brother. He quickly brakes and gets off of Sima Shi to reach Wang Yuanji.**

**"Found you! Are you okay?"**

**"What do you think?"**

**"Come on! I just saved your life!"**

**"My life wasn't in danger. It was my dignity." Sima Shi stands up to groan while rubbing his face which was red from the friction. Cao Pi catches up and throws ice spikes at Wang Yuanji, but Sima Zhao hits them away with his own sword.**

**"Get out of my way, gorilla!"**

**"G-G-Gorilla...?"**

**"Yeah, that's what Sima Yi uses to talk about you."**

**"Whatever! Just stay away!"**

**"Heh, you can't stop me! Ha!" Cao Pi charges towards Wang Yuanji and Sima Shi is seen speeding past him towards her.**

**"YOU TOO?! How could you?"**

**"Come on, you're just my sister-in-law. I can do this without feeling guilty." Sima Zhao gets in between the two with his sword ready. But the wall behind Wang Yuanji has a hand reach out and grabs her by the 2 floating above her head. That part of the wall moves to reveal a body and eyes open. The hand snaps off the 2 and blood spews out of Wang Yuanji's head. **

**"Oh no..."**

**"OH NO!"**

**"Oh no!"**

**"Oh no!" The wall on the side breaks down to have the Kool-Aid man yelling out, "OH YEAH!" Everyone stops to stare at him. The Kool-Aid man slowly backs away slowly, but an axe shatters the glass pitcher to have Jia Chong (17th place) walk in, stepping over glass pieces. Sima Zhao yells at him with tears flowing from his face,"WHY'D YOU DO THAT?! THE KOOL-AID MAN DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"**

**"That thing passes off artificially colored water as "juice"! How sickening that he exists."**

**"But... Ah, you ass..." The man from the wall tears off his cover to reveal Cao Cao (674th place). **

**"Hehehehehe! Sima Yi may have beaten me, but I shall now rise beyond all of you!" His number changes to a 2 when he places it near his 674. Cao Pi says,"Father, such a clever trick! But.. how long have you been here?"**

**"I saw all of you fighting, and I saw that girl running towards here, thus I prepared just in time." Jia Chong jumps to attack Cao Cao, but Dian Wei (68th place) charges into him that sends him into the wall. **

**"Gah!" **

**"I won't let you hurt him! I will preserve his place if it's the last thing I do!" Sima Shi speeds right under Dian Wei, and goes for Cao Cao. He is about to hit, but Cao Cao uses his own blade to protect himself.**

**"Oh come on! You don't want to hurt your Uncle Cao!" Sima Shi makes a face, but he gets hit by Dian Wei. Wang Yuanji crawls away and stands up. A 973 replaces itself on her head.**

**"Looks like I failed to protect myself... The only ones left are Guo Jia, Xiahou Dun, and Lord Sima Yi."Cao Cao laughs,"Those can't do anything to me! Well... Maybe Xiahou Dun though." He dodges a blade and slaps away a hand.**

**"Pi,You would even attack me? I'm so upset that-" Cao Pi angrily interrupts,"Cut the act! I know you're just trying to guilt me, but you're forgetting I have no guilt!"**

**"How did you get past Dian Wei?"**

**"I know both of you's blind spots."**

**"And I know yours!" A blade quickly stabs the 7 above Cao Pi and it snaps it off to be taken to Sima Shi. Blood spews out of the top and Cao Pi turns to him,"D-Damn you..." He falls down and has a 378 above his head. Sima Shi's 12 turns into 7. Sima Zhao yells at him,"That's what you were waiting for?!"**

**"Yah, duh. If I can't get 2, might as well this guy's 7. Remember, you tried to get Father's 8 and Guo Jia's 4. You're no different from me."**

**"...But..."**

**"You can attack me, Jia Chong, or Father's boss over there. Or just get consumed by the raging tide of generics." Sima Shi points to a corner of the hallway to have move generics running towards them. He runs out of the hole made previously. Cao Cao also runs with Dian Wei tagging along. Jia Chong rubs his back and groans as he stands up. **

**"Errr... I guess my body's not meant to withstand brute strength..." Cao Pi gets up and wipes away the blood on his head. **

**"The apple does not fall far from the tree..." He looks at Sima Zhao. "Well... Not him. He fell really far."**

**"Hey!" Wang Yuanji (973rd place) walks up and is about to throw a knife, but Sima Zhao catches her hand.**

**"No! What are you doing?!"**

**"Jia Chong is my trump card."**

**"But..."**

**"This isn't personal, it's business."**

**"What business?!"**

**"Now, if you won't let go, I will have to lower your rank by destroying that 35."**

**"Even you... everyone's..."**

**"You're no different. You will eventually need to do what you need to do later." She shakes off him and runs for Jia Chong.**

**"Hm?" A knife is stuck next to his head onto the wall. "Well, well, looks like you want to get your place back... But I'm not going to let you take my rank. Bring it on." The two throw weapons at each other and Cao Pi looks over to Sima Zhao.**

**"Might as well dig out of this hole. Get over here."**

**"AH!" Sima Zhao runs and Cao Pi chases after him. The generics follow everyone in batches when they finally got there.**


	8. Lock and load

**"Wait a minute, can't... Can't you reverse all of this?" asked Sima Yi to Takasugi as he was busy writing on a notepad.**

**"Yes. But I can't go back until my ride is fixed."**

**"Do it."**

**"I can't just shut down this whole "beat each other up to the top" thing! Besides, if I did have that power, I would not use it."  
**

**"Why not?"**

**"Come on, it's sweet how everyone is being best friends."**

**"...I don't think you're seeing the point..."**

**"I'm joking. But I can't do anything about this until... well... you can find Zhao Yun. He should hold a key for clearing all of this. And I have the list of everyone's rank number before anyone touched Wen Yang's underwear. By the way, what happened to him?"**

**"Who cares, if there's a way to stop all of this, you have to tell me."**

**"Sima Yi, I don't think you're seeing the opportunity here. With everyone preoccupied, you can pretty much do anything you want."**

**"But I have no desire."**

**"Do you want to piss people off?"**

**"Sure, why not."**

**"Well, beat up everyone here just to bring their rank down. It's perfect for you with being an asshole and all..."**

**"It's not fun when everyone else is doing it."**

**"Wow, didn't know being an asshole was a privilege." **

**"It sort of is these days. Though... hmmm... that idea sounds intriguing. I want to try it. Who's around here?"**

**"Guo Jia."**

**"No, he's too easy."**

**"Xun Yu."**

**"No point. He has no rank, so it's a waste of effort."**

**"Just start up s*bleep* everywhere! Who cares about consequences?"**

**"I'll get everyone in the country on my behind!"**

**"Isn't that what you want? Considering how little screentime you got in the latest game, I'm surprised you are actually fine with having that."**

**"Er..."**

**"I mean, Lian Shi's boobs spent more time than you."**

**"You know that's not true."**

**"I should know."**

**"I can count all of the minutes I has spent on screen. Lian Shi barely got to to be in a minute."**

**"Phht, we just saw you in flashbacks and about 30 seconds in other kingdoms cutscenes. You barely spent any time in your own kingdom. Most of them was you getting defeated."**

**"Why am I at 8 then? Explain that."**

**"Well, you're pretty, you're classic-ish, so it's a given, and you're the reason for yaoi authors to continue Cao Pi X you fanfictions and doujins." **

**"Why'd you have to...?"**

**"Hey, when I type your name onto Japanese Google, one third of the results is you and Cao Pi stuff. Regular Google is no better, though..."**

**"So I'm just some boytoy to the voters...?"**

**"Pretty much. Even though you're 40..."**

**"Nrrgh..."**

**"But if you keep this personality going, you won't need to worry about that anymore. All you need is a cane or shotgun and scare kids off your lawn."**

**"I'm not that old! What about those two over there?! They're older than me!"**

**"They don't act like it."**

**"Huff... I can't avoid all of that stuff, can I?"**

**"Well, aside from all the yaoi, there's a very tiny spot with you and women. Mostly with Zhen Ji or Yue Ying since they're the only women that's around your time. If we go towards today, it's Wang Yi or Zhang CHunhua. There's more Wang Yi ones, FYI."**

**"Those cutscenes really had no context..."**

**"I know, but fangirls are idiots and will take anything just to write erotic fanfiction."**

**"Afraid so."**

**"I mean, Xun Yu came out like what? A month ago? And look, there's yaoi fanart of him with Guo Jia mostly." Takasugi holds up a folder and Sima Yi pushes them away.**

**"Don't... I don't want to know... Hmmm... Show them to Xun Yu. This will break his calm facade."**

**"Oh, I get it. He's so new, he doesn't know about this side of the Dw fandom. You want to make him suffer like you. Now that's trademark-Sima Yi cruelty." Takasugi takes his folder and goes over to Xun Yu to show him a picture. He looks at it blankly.**

**"I don't get it."**

**"There's nothing to get."**

**"Why is Guo Jia kissing a man?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"Who's that?"**

**"That's you."**

**"That man does not look like me."**

**"Come on! Make some noise! Make a vein pop!"**

**"Sorry, but this isn't anyone I know that Guo Jia is having a scandal with."**

**"IT'S YOU."**

**"The eyes are off, the hat's off, and the hair is messy."**

**"...I give up on this guy. He's Sima Yi if you took out every emotion in his body. He doesn't understand yaoi, but that's good because it's horrifying and I don't want to break another character." Sima Yi says,"The only thing that seems to rile up Xun Yu is the empty food box. You cannot send him a box with nothing inside as a prank or else he'll try to kill himself. Trust me, I tried that."**

**"DON'T YOU BRING THAT UP!"**

**"See? He has PTSD with food boxes."**

**"Like how Dian Wei and Sun Ce has PTSD for arrows?"**

**"Exactly."**

**"Man, everyone has PTSD for weird things. Except Xiahou Dun. He has went through real PTSD. You have one, too. It's for dikes."**

**"It's not serious though."**

**"A dike? OH NO!"**

**"OH, SHUT UP!"**

**"I can do that impression in my sleep. Haha! I even have it as my ringtone!"**

**"You do not."**

**"Okay, I was over-exaggerating, but you know what I meant with that. I should though. Yeah, I should." **

**"AAH!"**

**"Get over here!" Sima Zhao (35th place) runs past the group, but he stops to run back to grab Sima Yi. **

**"Huh?"**

**"Take this!" Sima Zhao throws Sima Yi at Cao Pi (378th place) who was chasing him before.**

**"You bastard! I oughta-Kph!" His body barrels into Cao Pi's abdomen and the sticks in his hat stab him.**

**"AAAAAAAAH!"**

**"Ow, my neck!" They end up on top of each other. Takasugi stands over them and says,"Annnnnnd five more erotic fanfictions and 23 yaoi fanarts just popped up on the Internet."**

**"Oh, shut it." Sima Yi gets up quickly and pats his head. **

**"Where's my hat?"  
**

**"Uuugh..." Cao Pi was groaning in pain as the sticks in Sima Yi's hat were in his abdomen. **

**"Oh, didn't know they were that sharp. I ate with them as chopsticks and I never got a cut..." Cao Pi looks up angrily,"THAT'S DISGUSTING!"**

**"I clean them. Most of the time..."**

**"Ugh... That's worse... I might get smallpox after this!"**

**"I don't have smallpox."**

**"He might get AIDS. He's sharing a dirty needle." **

**"Those are not needles!"**

**"They are sharp as needles, so it counts." Guo Jia and Xun Yu drag the body behind a bush. **

**"He's... not dead..."**

**"We have to hide the evidence."**

**"What about my hat?!"**

**"That hat is ugly as f*bleep*."**

**"I agree with him for once. Excluding the vulgarity."**

**"You know, Sima Yi's hairstyle is not as better looking than the hat. I rather look at the hat than look at this painfully awful hairstyle."**

**"What's wrong with my hairstyle?"**

**"For one, you look like a woman from the Dead or Alive series. Second, it doesn't fit you. You need to have a flowing mane, like from DW6. That was your best hair even though you were not a brunette."**

**"Fine, I'll just untie my hair." He unties it as he said. **

**"Annnnnd the entire DW fandom just had their ovaries explode." Guo Jia complains,"Don't I do that already?"**

**"Please, you can never do it like Sima Yi. If he could just pose sexily for ONE page of Koeigirl, we could afford to make everyone non-generic, but noooo Sima Yi's too selfish to keep his body to himself. "**

**"Koeigirl...?"**

**"It's our knockoff of Playgirl that's a knockoff of Playboy for women."**

**"I can do that for you."**

**"For you, it's not special because let's face it, you taking off your robes is expected. For Sima Yi, on the other hand, is like a shiny Pokemon. It's hard to get and it's something to brag to your friends about."**

**"Bragging about getting to see Sima Yi without his robes... That sounds a bit..."**

**"Not for me! Though I'd admit I wonder what's under there. But I guess the only person that has those rights is Zhang Chunhua. Funny, she doesn't bother even talking about that. So modest."**

**"I don't think that's why..."**

**"Oh yeah, she's embarrassed with him."**

**"What?"**

**"Considering how OLD you are, I'm surprised she didn't have a go for Cao Pi."**

**"It's only a ten year difference! It's not that bad when you got Sun Shang Xiang marrying a 50-year old while she's only 18!"**

**"Anything can happen in ten years at this time! You went to school, ran away from Luoyang, and took care of kids when Zhang Chunhua was barely coming out of-"**

**"I'm going to stop you there."**

**"...Coming out of... from a zygote?"**

**"That's not what you were going to say!"**

**"How would you know? Can you tell the future?"**

**"I would, for a price."**

**"Then no you can't. Now what are you gonna do ****with Cao Pi over there?"**

**"He's not worth anything now. 378 is pretty bad. And with the hat stabbing him, he won't be able to get up."**

**"No... not yet..." The bushes rustle to have Cao Pi stand up slowly groaning with the hat sticking onto his abdomen.**

**"I can get back up there... by getting Guo Jia's 4!"**

**"Wait! It means death!"**

**"Who gives a crap about that?"**

**"Well, I tried."**

**"Barely. Here we go again."**

* * *

***retro music plays***

**Cao Pi: Nggh... I still don't feel good...**

**Takasugi: The hat is giving him 12 damage every turn. Use this to your-**

**Sima Yi: Yeah, don't need you.**

**Cao Pi**

**Lvl 32**

**HP: 5500/5500**

**Armor: 2**

**Sima Yi: Can I just flee?**

**Guo Jia: But he's easy!**

**Sima Yi: Come on, he's not worth my time.**

**Guo Jia: You get to be yourself and cause misery upon... people...**

**Sima Yi: Intriguing... Sure, why not?**

**-Back Breaker Chop-**

**Sima Yi runs over to Cao Pi and brings down a the side of his hand onto Cao Pi with a loud chop. **

**GAH! **

**-999 dam -1 armor**

**Cao Pi: Argh! I feel something really loose in my back-Gah!**

**Sima Yi: Now you suffer my pain.**

**Xun Yu: You have back problems? I can-**

**Sima Yi: Chunhua already does that for me, thank you very much.**

**Guo Jia: Ohh, do you get happy endings?**

**Sima Yi: In your (my) dreams.**

**Takasugi: The text reveals thoughts, FYI. To everyone.**

**Sima Yi: Oh... **

**-Spheres of Light-**

**Guo Jia has several balls fly towards Cao Pi, hitting him three times.**

**-684 dam -1 armor**

**-Xun Yu-**

**-Stabbity McStab-Stab-**

**Xun Yu runs over to Cao Pi and pulls out his staff to expose its sharp bottom. He stabs Cao Pi with that part multiple times before running back to his position.**

**-594 dam**

**Guo Jia: Whoa. Damn.**

**A pop-up appears on the screen.**

**Takasugi: It didn't do much since he's level 1.**

**Cao Pi: Koff... My turn!**

**-Ice Spikes-**

**Cao Pi makes it rain ice spikes onto the three.**

**Sima Yi: -876 dam**

**Guo Jia: -937 dam**

**Xun Yu: -1000 dam**

**Kph!**

**Cao Pi: -12 dam**

**Sima Yi: Looks like I have to turn to drastic matters. **

**-NSFW-**

**Takasugi: Come on, that's a waste. Use Fifty- Oh yeah. I understand what you're doing.**

**Sima Yi: Fine.**

**-LAZER BEEAM-**

**Sima Yi charges up a ball of light to shoot out giant beam of light at Cao Pi. **

**-989 dam**

**Xun Yu: He's a sturdy one, despite Sima Yi's hat stabbing into his intestines right now.**

**Sima Yi: He's like a donkey. Stubborn to the end.**

**Cao Pi: Hey!**

**Sima Yi: Excuse me, a cow. Emotionless and constantly making noises that resemble mooing.**

**-Attack-**

**Guo Jia goes to hit Cao Pi with his stick once.**

**-543 dam**

**Xun Yu: This isn't going anywhere. **

**-Godly Punishment-**

**Xun Yu gets down on one knee and chants something and stands back up. Two beams of light appear to have Nu Wa and Fu Xi (In their Warriors Orochi appearance).**

**Guo Jia: Didn't know you were religious.**

**Xun Yu: I'm not. This is a trump card of mine. **

**Nu Wa and Fu Xi quickly put on sunglasses.**

**"Lock and load!" The two take out assault rifles to shoot up Cao Pi. They then disappear in another beam of light. **

**-8836 dam**

**Arrrgh!**

**Cao Pi falls down with his pixelated body blinking to disappear.**

Cao Pi has been defeated.

**Xun Yu has leveled up to Lv. 2!**

**Xun Yu:... That's it...?**

**Takasugi: You wanted a cookie or something?**

***retro victory music***

* * *

**Cao Pi lies down with many bullet holes in him.**

**"Wow, didn't know it carries over."**

**"That was a bit excessive..."**

**"It was going too slow."**

**"But you wasted it..."**

**"Sima Yi can do it as well. But he doesn't chant though. He just has the beads and throws them on the ground."**

**"Sort of disrespectful..."**

**"I know."**

**"You're talking about someone who sided with Orochi!" **

**"How could you, Sima Yi? To turn on your own kind?"**

**"Save that for the next Orochi game."**

**"Why not do it now? It gives me a script for that next game." said Takasugi.**

**"No." Cao Pi's 378 decreases to a 400 as he was lying there. **

**"Okay, he's dead." Sima Yi kicks the body into the bushes. You hear faint groaning and Sima Yi whistles to drown it out.**

* * *

**It was on the top of palace's balcony and Yu Jin kicks several generics away from him and Li Dian (34th place) runs right into him clinging onto his torso. **

**"Get off!" **

**"No! You can carry me! I'm too paranoid to walk out of here!" **

**"You have that giant buzzsaw to tear these men a new one!"**

**"But... I can't just do that! They're our own men! Besides, it jammed!" **

**"Fine. I'll just leave you. HEY! You want a high spot? Here you go!" Yu Jin grabs Li Dian above his head and tosses him to the wave of violent generics. Li Dian grabs quickly at the air and manages to pull himself back to Yu Jin.**

**"Fine. I'll toss you somewhere safer." Yu Jin throws him farther away from him, but he falls out the balcony to get into range of Zhang Liao **(523rd place)**, Xu Huang (901st place), Yue Jin (551st place), and Zhang He (477th place). They look up to ready their weapons with evil intent. **

**"OH, THIS IS SO NOT SAFER!" Li Dian claws away at the air to direct himself away from the four Elite generals at the bottom. Yu Jin chokes on air as he realized where he just thrown Li Dian.**

**"Kommf...! Oh... sh*bleep*..." He picks up generics that charged into him and tosses them towards the four generals in order to distract them from Li Dian falling in the air. Over in a secluded room that was near the commotion, Cao Ren (72nd place) and Pang De (62nd place) were playing cards, oblivious to the noise outside.**

**"Got any eights?"**

**"Goldfish."**

**"FYI, I have a 62 floating above my head. Why aren't you doing anything?"**

**"What's the point? It'll be worth nothing in the end. It doesn't change the fact the fans like the stupid weak pretty boys better than the actual heroes of this era."**

**"Hmph, true."**

**"Got any fours?" A generic crashes through the wall near them. (994th place)**

**"Why yes." Pang De snaps off the 4 off of that generic and hands it over to Cao Ren. The generic looks up to see his number as 99.**

**"Hey! I'm out of the 900's! Yeah! Huh?" He gets pulled out by other generics to be pulled into a cloud of blows and punches.**

**"You did that on purpose."**

**"Yup." Back outside, Li Dian lands into a group of bushes and he gets out picking out twigs out of his hair. **

**"Ow...Uh!" He ducks to dodge a swing of Xu Huang's axe, and he managed to chop off the top half of his 34. **

**"Oh crud!" Xu Huang picks up the 34 piece and his number lowers to 34. **

**"Hmph... I thank you for giving a nice jump in this race."**

**"Huh?! It works like that?!"**

**"It's a stepping stone for me when I can finally go back to the glory days before you came out of generic hell." He turns to see Zhang Liao, Yue Jin, and Zhang He looking at the two with malicious intent. **

**"Looks like there's two 34s."**

**"That means we can share that spot."**

**"But 34's not that good."**

**"It's better than these numbers." **

**"You're going to have to get this out of my dead hands, you three!"**

**"Bring it on! I know your weak points anyway!" Li Dian slowly walks away from the feuding warriors, but a hand claps onto his shoulder. Zhang He looks at him with glowing red eyes.**

**"Where do you think you're going?"**

**"Ineedanadult!Ineedanadult!" Li Dian runs away from Zhang He and he chases after him. For a while, a dash hits Zhang He in the back and he falls to slide on the ground. Li Dian stops to see the downed Zhang He. He then looks up to see Xiahou Ba (144th place).**

**"Wait, I remember you were at 14th place!"**

**"Jia Xu tricked me! He stole my number! So... I will have to do with you!"**

**"Wait, wait!" Zhang He gets up with an annoyed expression on his face. **

**"Baaa... what do you think you're doing...?" He said with a echoing voice.**

**"Ineedanadult!Ineedanadult!" Xiahou Ba uses his rocket to have it dash into Zhang He directly in the abdomen. Li Dian drops down to have the rocket fly past him. **

**"That was close! Ah!" Yu Jin picks him up the collar and drags him.**

**"Wait! What are you doing?!" **

***Few minutes later***

**Li Dian hangs on a rope that was tied around him, Zhang Liao, Xu Huang, and Yue Jin. **

**"Come on! Why do I have to share this with them?!" Yu Jin was sitting in a chair reading a book. **

**"This'll help you not get into trouble."**

**"This is worse!"**

**"You said your wheeled halberd is jammed. You can't defend yourself. If I just let you just go, you'll be all helpless and expect me to help you. Well, I'm not getting that responsibility."**

**"I have to pee."**

**"Not my problem." Li Dian starts to shift in place while making grunting noises. **

**"Nnrrrgh..." Zhang Liao angrily yells at him,"You're seriously going to pee here?!"**

**"I can't hold it!"  
**

**"Hold it like a man!"**

**"I rather be called a little girl than risk an urinary infection!" ****The four stay silent and Li Dian makes a face of relief. The three than groan in disgust and began squirming around. **

**"Ugh! Disgusting!" As they were moving around, the 34 above Li Dian's head hooked itself onto Yue Jin's 551. **

**"Ow! You're pulling on my head!"**

**"I think my hair got stuck!"**

**"We both have short hair! It's the numbers!" **

**Yu Jin was still reading his book when a drop hits his face. He then gets hit in the face with a foot.**

**"UGH! What the hell?!" He sniffs and groans in disgust. Pang De and Cao Ren were playing chess in a corner and Yu Jin storms over to yell at Pang De.**

**"You! Go escort Li Dian to the little boy's room!"**

**"He's grown man! And I have a good move here!" Yu Jin has an aura of fire surrounding him and Pang De sighs and tells Cao Ren,"Don't move anything." He gets up to go over to the tied up bunch with Yu Jin. Cao Ren slowly takes a queen from the board and puts it in his pocket when the two were no longer seen.**

* * *

**"I think we should go check on the ladies." said Guo Jia.**

**"Why?"**

**"Because... You're worried about your wife?"**

**"Not really."**

**"What if..."  
**

**"You just want to watch a catfight."**

**"Nooooo... I just want to... make sure... Fine."**

**"Thought so."**

**"Don't you want to see it, too? I know you have needs! You're not made of stone! That's Xun Yu." Xun Yu turns to him and complains,"Hey!"**

**"Oh, first time I saw him move his eyebrows to make an emotion."**

**"I do have emotions. I'm not paid to feel, that's all." Sima Yi says in a matter-of-fact voice,"That's true. Cao Cao doesn't pay us to have emotion."**

**"That's because both of you are made of stone!" **

**"Not me. I do make a face when certain things are crossed. Xun Yu just makes a face when I talk about the food box."**

**"Again with the food box..."**

**"See? He's reacting to that food box."**

**"Please stop saying food box. ****Just say edible item container..."**

**"That's longer."**

**"Anyway, you two, I think we should go see how the fighting went."**

**"I don't you need to..."**

**"Why?" **

**"Go look at where you last saw Yue Ying and Chunhua began fighting."**

* * *

**Zhen Ji (34th place) and Wang Yi (10th place) keep hitting each other until they get right in between of Yue Ying (57th place) and Zhang Chunhua (8th place). They hit them instead and they fall away. Yue Ying stops and stands away from the three and makes a face in thought to switch quickly to a face of scheming. She then asks Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Say... Don't you feel a bit... out of place... of you being here now?"**

**"What do you mean?"**

**"I don't know... you're sort of a "last minute character"..."**

**"What do you mean?"**

**"Come on, the only reason why you were added is to complete the family and not make Sima Yi look gayer than he already is." Sima Yi boils with anger and is held back by Xun Yu and Guo Jia when he heard the sentence.**

**"I 'oughta smack that red dot off your face!" Zhang Chunhua makes a small comment,"So Sima Yi is gay? Huh, makes sense." Sima Yi angrily yells out,"What about me says "gay" to you?!" Takasugi says,"Well, the purple, the very feminine face, and this pose you had in DW5. That was what sealed the deal with yaoi fangirls. I mean, "hand on hip" is a big sign for them." **

**"I wear purple because I'm rich, I got my mother's side, and that was a very different me."**

**"Sorry, but... half of the fanbase still thinks you're gay."**

**"What...? If I'm gay, then Guo Jia's gay." Guo Jia says to him,"If I'm gay, Xun Yu's gay." **

**"Don't turn this onto me."**

**"Oh, you're getting into this! It's only been months and I'm finding pictures of you and me doing what-shall-not-be-named-at-this-time!"**

**"I'm surprised there isn't any Guo Jia and Sima Yi stuff. Not that I support it, but aren't fangirls' jobs to make every pairing in the book?"**

**"Come on! I don't want that considering how much Cao Pi and me crap is out there! I've got a lot on my plate already!"**

**From afar, Zhang Chunhua responds to Yue Ying ignoring the commotion away from her.**

**"If you're that more important than me, why are you at 57?"  
**

**"Uh... I..."**

**"Out with the old, in with the new is what they say."**

**"That doesn't mean the new is any good as the old."**

**"Good point. But I don't consider myself as that."**

**"I see you have Sima Yi's ego. By the way, does it compensate for anything?"**

**"No. Think of it like an onion, you peel and peel, but it's pointless since it's still all onion. Sima Yi's like that expect he's all ego."**

**"Does it get in the way of anything...? Like... the deed...?"**

**"...What?"**

**"The deed. Coitus. Copulation."**

**"That's none of your business."**

**"You have two children. Something's going on..." She is slapped in the face by an angry Zhen Ji (34th place)****.**

**"OW! Why?!"**

**"THAT'S MY THING! I DO THAT! DON'T YOU TAKE IT AND DO IT TO HER!"**

**"What thing?"**

**"You know what it is, you thieving bitch. I make a innuendo about the woman's husband's sexual habits with her and constantly push it into the woman. I do that with you, and now you're passing it off like if it's your thing to her over there!"**

**"Since when?"**

**"Where have you been these past years? In your flat ass?" Zhang Chunhua just looks at the two arguing and blinks while whispering to herself,"Why am I younger than them...?" Wang Yi casually walks next to her.**

**"What's your purpose for this?"**

**"For what?"**

**"I don't know, you really don't need that 8. What are you trying to prove? You're only about a year old since you were introduced."**

**"You're not that old either."**

**"Yes, I know that. But... don't you think it would be easier just to...share the number? I'd hate to accidentally kill someone."**

**"No."**

**"What? Why? Being a bit selfish, aren't you?"**

**"I just don't want to."**

**"Well, I tried." Zhen Ji pushes her away and storms over to Zhang Chunhua.**

**"What are you trying to prove here with that 8?"**

**"...I said that a minute ago..." said Wang Yi that was close to them still.**

**"Do you think you can just walk into here and be my replacement? Oh no! You need to know your place!"**

**"...Who said that?"**

**"I did." said Wang Yi casually. She gets pushed away by Zhen Ji. **

**"Ignore her."**

**"You're a bit... irritated."**

**"Irritated? Phht. I'm FURIOUS that I went so far down on the charts. So, I'm going to ask you again, give up the 8 or you'll lose something."**

**"I don't have anything to lose."**

**"I have some information that'll tamper your reputation."**

**"Oh? What is it?" Zhen Ji leans over to whisper, ****"You're...middle class..."**

**"...That's not threatening. I think everyone knows that."**

**"It was worth a shot. Here's my real one. The plushies."**

**"You wouldn't dare..."**

**"Oh yes! You'd hate to have THAT circulating around town. A grown woman has these dolls and once and a while you do an impression of the doll you're holding. Mmh!" Zhang Chunhua covers Zhen Ji's mouth.**

**"Shut up."**

**"I remember walking around near your house to hear some weird voice. And what do I find? You doing, to be honest, a pretty good impression of Sima Yi. You even had the "mwahahah" down."**

**"I was bored and he wasn't home..." **

**"Sure, bored. You did more people. I'm sure of it."**

**"I will not give you anymore information."**

**"Then shut me up. Kmph!" Zhen Ji gets forced a black piece in her mouth. **

**"Plat! Why'd you do that?" She spits out the black thing and the number above turns into 8.**

**"You gave in!"**

**"No, it was to shut you up." Zhang CHunhua goes over to Yue Ying, who was lying on the ground.**

**"Here." She tosses a tiny black piece on the lying body. The 57 above her head turns into an 8. She wakes up to look up.**

**"Huh? What? Why? Is there a catch?"**

**"No, just stop attacking me."**

* * *

**Sima Yi looks over and gasps.**

**"Oh my god! She's being nice!" Everyone near him falls in exasperation. **

**"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE COMPLAINING ABOUT RIGHT NOW!"**


	9. Chapter 9

**Zhuge Liang (18th place) trudges along an empty street covered in bruises and cuts.**

**"I am... going... to kick... his... ass..." He stops to quickly see Sima Yi.**

**"Ah-ha." He walks quietly to hide behind a wall. He takes out his fan to bring down a lighting bolt onto him, causing Sima Yi to be covered in soot. Zhuge Liang runs over to look at the body, and he turns it over only to see a badly drawn face with a body made of straw.**

**"What the-?"  
**

**"Ha! You fell for it!" A staff swings at Zhuge Liang, but he dodges. He looks up to see Zhou Yu (25th place).**

**"Well, well, looks like we're back at this again."**

**"I can't believe you even fell for that dummy. Sun Ce made it and it didn't even have the hat properly made or the 8 floating above it."**

**"What do you want?"**

**"What does it look like? I beat you in this poll, and I'm going to make it stay that way. I know you stole that from Jiang Wei."**

**"Nope. Shared."**

**"You can share? Aw, how nice. But you're painting a target on your forehead."**

**"For you, specifically." **

**"Well, of course. I don't like you and you have the higher number. And everyone knows. Say hello to everyone in the country." Zhou Yu extends his hand to show a wave of people running towards them. **

**"You know they will be going for you."**

**"Yeah, I should stop talking." They run away from the wave of generics. **

* * *

**Sima Yi (8th place), Guo JIa (4th place), and Xun Yu were inside an empty building while noises are heard behind the walls.**

**"Great, now what? The town's swarming with people wanting the top spot."**

**"What about the ladies that we left behind?"**

**"They're long gone. Drowned in the sea of rage."**

**"I don't think so. They're all women capable of protecting themselves."**

**"But against a thousand angry men? All of them share my 8."**

**"Oh! It's like when a guy has an affair with four women and they all have a baby that's his. In your case, all the women have your 8 rank."**

**"That's not the same. Chunhua "absorbed" my 8 and passed it on to the three other women."**

**"Oh, then it's like her catching an STD from you and now those three women have it."**

**"...Mmh... Fine, close enough."**

**"What happened to the man with the black bug eyes?"**

**"Who cares?"**

**"He's our only hope to ending this."**

**"He's probably drowning in that sea of angry men. And haha he's going to help." A loud crinkling noise is heard in the building. The three begin to look around to find the noise. A loud slow crunch is heard. They then finally find Takasugi sitting in a corner eating a bag of chips.**

**"What are you doing?!" Takasugi slowly turns to look at them to slowly put a chip in his mouth to slowly (but loudly) chewing. **

**"Stop it!" **

**"I'm hungry."**

**"Do you have a more quiet snack?!"**

**"I suggest stop yelling or else those guys will storm this fortress you created."**

**"Oh right..."**

**"Oh well, this bag is 50% air anyway, so I won't take long to finish it." He chews more chips and crumbles the bag, making a loud crinkling noise.**

**"What did we just say?!" Takasugi takes out a juice box and begins sipping it. When the box gets almost empty, he makes a loud slurping noise with the straw. Sima Yi slaps the juice box out of his hands.**

**"Hey! I didn't finish it!"**

**"It's noisy!" **

**"Well, you just alerted the guys outside when you pimp-slapped my juice box out of the window!" **

**"Huh?" He runs to the window to a small group of generics point at him.**

**"THERE!"**

**"S*bleep*." **

**"Luckily, this building as more rooms and stairs then a M. C. Escher drawing. Hide around and you can catch these guys off-guard. Since you three are smart-asses, I'm sure you don't need me."**

**They all run away to hide in the large building.**

**"Wow, rude." Generics run up the stairs and run up to Takasugi.**

**"Where are they?"**

**"I don't know what you say. I stupid."**

**"Agh, forget this guy." They all split up to run into the building's rooms and stairs. **

* * *

**Xiahou Dun (9th place) pushes many people down as he runs away from more people with triple digit numbers above their heads. **

**"Goddamn... I'm tired of knocking these idiots away..." He turns sharply to hop into a bush. The generics run right past and Xiahou Dun peeks out. **

**"They're gone. How can I get around without getting attacked?" He looks around and sees crates lying around. **

**"..." **

**Generics scratch their heads when searching the area.**

**"Come on, he's over six feet! He can't hide that well!" They all run to another direction and a crate in the background starts to move on its own. A generic sees the crate and the crate stops suddenly. The generic walks up to the box and taps it. The crate lifts up to reveal Xiahou Dun and he grabs that generic to knock him out. He continues his way in the box and leaves the body behind. **

* * *

**Jiang Wei (18th place) stands near the Wei palace kicking pebbles.**

**"Where is he? I thought he was going to meet me here..." He hears groaning and turns to see a foot under a set of bushes.**

**"Hello?" He gets closer and closer and a hand grabs his neck.**

**"Gah!"**

**"Why hello..." Cao Pi (400th place)slowly rises from the bushes covered in twigs and Sima Yi's hat was still stuck into his abdomen. He pulls it out quickly and stabs it into Jiang Wei's abdomen.**

**"GGAH!" As he fell, Cao Pi grasps the 18 above Jiang Wei and snaps it off. He gets out of the bushes and hid Jiang Wei's(now 367th place) body in the bushes. Cao Pi brushes himself off as the 400 turns into the 18 he just taken. He bows clutching his wound.**

**"Ugh... My stomach..." He looks up at his right and sees the mini map. Three blue dots are in one square with several red dots are surrounding it.**

**"Found them."**

* * *

**The generics run across the hallway and a giant black hole appears under them. They all fall into the hole. Sima Yi (8th place) puts his hands down and lets out a loud sigh.**

**"I'm getting exhausted... They just keep coming here..." Over at the entrance of that large building, the generics pool into the building in waves, but they get blown away by strong forces. **

**"MOVE! We're the important ones here!"**** Most of the unique officers storm the building and knocked any generic away from them. **

**"The 1, 2, and 3 placers may be missing, but we can grab that 4 that's here!"**

**"How do you know they're here?"**

**"Look at the right." They point at the mini map at the corner of them.**

**"How long has that been there?"**

* * *

**Guo Jia (4th place) paces back and forth while spouting out profanity that gets bleeped.**

**"We're f*bleep*ed. **We're f*bleep*ed. ****We're f*bleep*ed. Everyone that has a face is here!"********

********"It seems 4 is unlucky. Now I know why my mother always hated seeing that number." said Sima Yi (8th place). "Might as well give them what they came for." ********

********"They'll go for you too!"********

********"Then we'll just sacrifice Xun Yu." Xun Yu makes a face at Sima Yi.********

********"What will that do? I don't have anything they want."********

********"You'll be a distraction. I throw you into the stampede to hinder them."********

********"They'll just run me over."********

********"That's the point." The wall near them explodes to have someone barrel into Sima Yi.********

********"Gah!" The two roll around to have Sima Yi lying at one spot and Sima Fu at another.********

********"Oh my god, there are more Sima Yis in the world! Humanity is not safe!"********

********"Nrrgh..." Sima Yi gets up and Sima Fu gets up as well.********

********"What the-? Who are you?"********

********"You."********

********"I'm confused. Which is Sima Yi and which is the really good actor?"********

********"I am." They both said. "No, you're not!' They both said in unison again. ********

********"You two can tell that guy is an imposter."********

********"...Well... You both don't have the hat and have your hair down."********

********"Huh?" Sima Yi went patting his head and Sima Fu imitates him.********

********"This isn't a game of Monkey See, Monkey Do!"********

********"What are you talking about? I'm you, thus I do what you do." ********

********"I have an idea. We can just throw one Sima Yi at the crowd and we can make our escape with the distraction."********

********"What if we throw the wrong one?"********

********"Then he can yell my ears out after this blows over." The ground shakes and they all turn to see the unique officers run towards them. Sima Yi quickly grabs his "clone" and pushes him towards them. Sima Fu grabs on to a random person's head and pushes himself back towards Sima Yi.********

********"Oh come on!"********

********"I'm staying with you!" ********

********"I'm starting to think you're not me." Sima Yi runs into a random room and shuts the door. Guo Jia and Xun Yu gets separated when the crowd got too close.********

********Sima Yi walks out of another room and looks around.********

********"Huh, that led nowhere." He looks to see Sima Fu still with him.********

********"Gah, you're still here."********

********"Yup."********

********"Fu."********

********"How did you know?"********

********"Who else can pull off this disguise? You have my face."********

********"Well... I was turned into this. Not a disguise.********

********"You share my fate. Either with his pants down or with blood squirting out of his head."********

********"Not if we do something about it."********

********"What do you have in mind?"********

********"Defend ourselves, silly!"********

********"Uh-huh. Like you can hold up in a fight."********

********"At least mess around with everyone."********

********"We'll see. I see someone around the corner."********

* * *

********Zhou Yu (25th place) chases Zhuge Liang (18th place) through several rooms before grabbing his robes, stopping him.********

********"Nnnragh!"********

********"I'll never give it to you! Never!"********

********"Oh, you will give in!"********

********"Nrrgh!" They roll around and came near a staircase. They fall down and bounced off of each step while hitting at each other. When they reach the ****************bottom, they fall away when a blade hits right in between them. Zhou Yu yells out, "Lu Meng! What are you doing?!" Lu Meng (43rd place) looks at Zhou Yu and says,"I don't care who I get. I don't want to be at the bottom."********

********"Well, you're going to have to get someone else since I'm trying to steal the 18 myself!"********

********"I don't see your name on the 18." As they were arguing, Zhuge Liang crawls away, but his foot is grabbed by a glowing Wei Yan (61st place).********

********"You... why... better... than... me...?"********

********"Get off me! I don't talk in a bloody caveman voice unlike someone here!"********

********"Nrrrgh!" Wei Yan lifts him by the leg and forces him onto the wall, creating a human-sized crater. The dust clears to reveal Zhuge Liang having a 376 on his head. ****************Zhou Yu looks at Zhuge Liang (376th place) in the wall. ********

********"Looks like I don't need you anymore. I'll go find another to shame." ********

********"How...? Nnghh..." ********

********"Wei Yan must have done a number on you." ********

********"He'll go after you next." Wei Yan stands over Zhou Yu with glowing red eyes. Zhou Yu runs away and pushes Lu Meng into Wei Yan's path. They collide and Wei Yan tears off the 43 off of Lu Meng, causing blood to spew out. It changes to a 543.********

********"Gah! Damn you, Zhou Yu!"********

********"You snooze, you lose! Hahah!"********

* * *

********At another area of the building, Takasugi was walking around while holding a small device.********

********"Half of the cast is in here. The rest are either outside or not even bothering to enter here." He bumps into a hanging thing. ********

********"What the...?" He looks up to see Cao Cao (888th place) naked and tied upside down. Blood is seen flowing from his face.********

********"What the heck happened to you?!"********

********"...Nnngh...uh... I... huhuhu..."********

********"Who did this?"********

********"...Uhghu...hu..." He closes his eyes. Takasugi turns to see a bundle of duct tape that was moving around tremendously and he hears muffled yells.********

********"I 'oughta kick your ass if you don't let me out! What are you doing to Lord Cao Cao?!" A floating 68 was over that bundle. ********

********"Who can cover Dian Wei in duct tape and live to tell about it? Nah, I'm over-thinking this." He sees Sima Shi (12th place) run into a room and shut the door. He walks over to that door, but he turns to see Cao Pi (18th place) being pulled down the stairs by Sima Zhao (35th place).****************  
********

********"Let go, you gorilla!"********

********"Stop calling me a gorilla!"********

********"You're the size of one and you have the hair of one."********

******** "I'm not letting you get to him!"********

********"Phht, he was an ass to you."********

********"Yeah, you're right." Sima Zhao lets go of his foot and he dashes up to a door.********

********"Okay, get out of there." The door has a muffled voice,"I'm never coming out!"********

********"You leave me no choice. 1... 2... 3-Gah!" Takasugi pushes him back down the stairs. He angrily yells,"Hey! How dare you!"********

********"Let him take his time coming out of the closet." ********

********"He has to come out of the closet now! I want his number!"********

********"Well, you're gonna have to wait until he comes out. Of the closet." The door has a voice,"This was a closet? Crap..." A loud boom is heard behind the door. Cao Pi gets up quickly to break down the door to see the wall on the other side destroyed.********

**"You let him escape me!"**

**"Hey, you were busy getting intimate with the stairs."**

**"The stupid gorilla down there was sitting on my leg after you pushed me!"**

**"I'm not a gorilla!" yelled Sima Zhao at Cao Pi. **

**"Whatever." Cao Pi runs through that hole. Takasugi turns to Sima Zhao.**

**"You don't seem to be wanting to do this. You're 35th right now. Aren't ya upset?" **

**"Zzzz..." Sima Zhao was sleeping and had the bubble thing coming in and out of his nose as he was snoring. **

**"Okay, this is too much work for him." He leaves him and continues through the building. As he walked, his foot bumped into a box. He feels something as he hit the box.**

**"Something's under here." He lifts the box, and gets a punch to the nose.**

**"OW!" He clutches his nose and jumps up and down yelling. **

**"YUTDAOW!" He sees the box being placed back by some hands. **

**"Hey! You're not fooling anyone!" Takasugi lifts up the box again to reveal Xiahou Dun (9th place) holding a dead snake.**

**"What are you doing?" Xiahou Dun slowly brings the snake to his mouth and bites into it. He slowly chews and gulps. He slowly brings the snake up to eat it slowly again. Takasugi slowly covers him with the box again.**

**"Instant noodles would have worked if you're hungry, you know." Xiahou Dun says through the box,"This was all I could find."**

**"Oh, and you didn't choose a chicken or a pig?"**

**"Chicken and pigs have to be cooked."**

**"Oh? And that snake?"**

**"To be honest, this tastes good raw. I should cook one next time I find these things."**

**"Ask Xu Chu to prepare it, and it'll become a delicacy even Sima Yi wouldn't refuse."**

**"Oh yes. That sounds nice. Mm..." Chewing noises are heard again.**

**"Wow... I feel like I've seen this before..."**

**"You've seen someone eat a snake?"**

**"Yes. And he looked like you too. Aside from the awful hair."**

**"Where is he?"**

**"America, or somewhere in Russia doing some spy work. " **

**"What's America?"**

**"Nevermind."**

* * *

**Sima Shi (7th place) runs into a another room and Cao Pi (18th place) chases after him. **

**"You can fool me!" Cao Pi grabs the handle and is about to turn until someone hits him in the back with an ax.**

**"Gah!" He falls down to show Sima Yi (8th place). **

**"Why?! Why do you do this me?!"**

**"That was for DW5." He brings down the ax again. "That was for DW6." He brings it down another time. "DW7." He stops and makes a face in thought.  
**

**"Yeah. It counts." He strikes Cao Pi again with the ax. "And that's for DW8. Man, this feels good. I should do this for Cao Cao next for all the crap he put me through." He looks down and winces.**

**"And his head is off. Yikes. He's fine." He kicks the body away from him and goes up to the door. He slashes down at the door over and over to create a small slit for him. He looks through the slit and puts on a manic face.**

**"Heeeere's Daddy!" Sima Shi yells out and backs away from the door quickly.**

**"What the hell?! "**

**"This scare you?"**

**"Yeah! ****You never say Daddy!"**

**"I didn't scare you with the chopping down the door?"**

**"Well, sort of... But your face you just made and saying that gives me the shivers."**

**"How about if I chased you around with this ax that I just gave used on Cao Pi with?"**

**"Come on, you're not going to do that. Are you?" Sima Yi brings down the ax to chop away more door pieces.**

**"That's a yes." Sima Shi gets up quickly and runs to another door that was in the room. Sima Yi stops and and turns around. He sees the door there open to have walk out Sima Shi.**

**"..."**

**"..." Sima Yi makes a manic face and this causes Sima Shi to run away far from him. Some figure stands up behind him and hits him with a circular object.**

**"Ow! What do you want?" He turns to see Cao Pi (236th place) decapitated and was holding his head with one of his hands.**

**"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! You're going to have to fix me later!"**

**"It's Xun Yu's turn to fix you."**

**"No, it was your turn!"**

**"No, his turn. We have this system for when something happens to you, one of us has to do whatever is needed to fix you."**

**"I can't be walking about with my head in my hands!"**

**"Hey, you're 236."**

**"Huh?" His eyes move up to see the 236 floating above his head. He looks back at Sima Yi. **

**"You bastard." Sima Yi uses the ax in his hands to slap Cao Pi's head out of his hands. He then kicks the head before Cao Pi's body can get it back. He watches the body chase after the head down the stairs.**

**"Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow! Damn it, Sima Yi! I'm cutting your paycheck for this month! Ow!"**

**"You don't have the power to. Cao Cao does. Go and "roll" to your father and weep. Hahah... Roll... haha..." A voice is heard from the corner,"Not funny!" Sima Yi ignores it and turns to see Sima Fu.**

**"Ah! When did you get here? I thought I sent you-"**

**"I have your body. Meaning I can perform your spells. I got myself out of there." **

**"But you're too of a goody two-shoes to actually use it on your dear brother-" Sima Yi looks down to see a black hole under him. He zaps a platform from his finger.**

**"Nope. What is it you're trying to accomplish with my body?"**

**"I just want some of your fame..."**

**"Haha! You're jealous!"**

**"Shut up."**

**"Oh no, Fu is pissed. What is he going to do? Lecture my ear off? Kill me with kindness?"**

**"You're an asshole. I wish Lang was still alive so he can kick your ass."**

**"Nu Wa rest his soul, but he is just too nice to even do that. Now where is the exit?" **

**"You forgot?"**

**"This building is rather confusing. I'm at one area and I'm somewhere the next every time I go through these doors." **

**"Sorcery." **

**"Could be. This isn't my handy work either." The ground shakes and the two turn to see the wall near them explode. A lance almost reaches Sima Yi's forehead and it retracts to have Deng Ai (53rd place) walk into his view.**

**"Ah, Deng Ai! Can you direct me to the exit or make one for me?" Deng Ai turns to look at Sima Yi and a thought bubbles appears over him. **

**The thought bubble: Sima Yi goes up to Deng Ai holding a box.**

**"Take this to Wang Yi."**

**"Yes, sir." **

**The next memory has Wang Yi cutting Deng Ai up and he ends up in a hospital. Sima Yi was next to the bed.**

**"Yeeeeeah... Sorry... I forgot she was on "that time of the month"..."**

**The thought bubble disappears and Deng Ai brings his lance above Sima Yi's head.**

**"AH!" He jumps out of the way. He dodges many swings and get bends his back just in time to dodge a bullet that hits Deng Ai. A loud crack is heard.**

**"Ggh!" Sima Yi freezes and turns white while stuck bent backwards. Guo Huai (56th place) walks up to him and taps his head.**

**"Hello?"**

**"...Ggh... gh... ha..." **

**"Wow, the young guy getting a broken back. I look healthy compared to you."**

**"...Ggh... You're not going to attack me, no? I mean, we've had some times together I doubt you would attack me, your commander." Guo Huai stands there with a thought bubble over his head.**

***the memory***

**Sima Yi goes up to Guo Huai.**

**"We've just finished the pyrocannons. Would you like to be the first one to test them out?"**

**"Sure." The next scene was Guo Huai pressing a few buttons on the pyrocannon and he gets ejected from the cannon and lands right on the brick walls of the garrison. He ends up in a hospital bed with Sima Yi sitting next to him.**

**"Yeeeeeah... they had a defective feature which ejects you in the wrong direction... Yeeeah."**

**The though bubble disappears and Guo Huai aims his cannon at Sima Yi. **

**"Gh! Nnnrgh!" Sima Yi shakes around to move, but he can't.**

**"Damn it, my spine is stiff!" A black hole appears under him and he falls in right when the cannon went off. **

* * *

**Somewhere, a black hole opens to have the frozen Sima Yi fall right on his chest.**

**"GGGGH! Ka!" He stays in his frozen position. Xun Yu walks up to him.**

**"What are you doing? Pretending to be those rocking horse toys?"**

**"You could have made the fall cushioned...!"**

**"It wasn't me. It was that you clone." Sima Fu walks next to Sima Yi and looks at him from all angles.**

**"His back is perfectly curved. This isn't good." Sima Fu goes up to Sima Yi's head and pushes down onto it gently. His body rocks back and forth.**

**"Ooh, it's like those rocking horse things." He continues to make Sima Yi rock back and forth by hitting his head.**

**"Stop it! My ribs are going to break!"**

**"You're overreacting. Poke." **

**"My back really hurts! I need the both of you to crack it back to place!"**

**"But this is so much fun. I wonder what happens if I did it harder." **

**"You're just taking advantage of me!"**

**"What if I am? You deserve this." A box moves near them as they were arguing. Xun Yu spots it and goes up to it. The box then lifts up to have him get pulled under it. The box spits out Xun Yu unconscious with swirly eyes. The box continues over to Sima Fu and takes him under the box. He gets spit out also unconscious. Sima Yi sees the box and looks through the slit.**

**"Xiahou D-Gah!" He gets taken under the box and you hear a loud crack (and a really loud yell)and the box spits Sima Yi out unconscious. The box continues to scurry away until it hits a foot. **

**"Huh? Who's this?!" Punches of fire bombard the box until it became charred. The box crumples to reveal Xiahou Dun (9th place). He stands up to face Sun Ce (44th place).**

**"You destroyed my box."**

**"9th place! Alright! I can take you on!"**

**"Hmph." **

**"Come on! Bring it on! I can take ya!" He throws a punch, but Xiahou Dun catches it. he throws him away. He takes out his sword and is about to strike until someone knocks him away. Xiahou Dun looks up to see Sun Quan (66th place).**

**"Argh... More people."**

**"I shall take that 9 above your head and secure myself at the top!" **

**"Really? That dull sword can't even lay a scratch on me." **

**"Maybe. But this can." A quick dash speeds by them and Xiahou Dun blocks an attack. He is face to face with Zhou Tai (46th place).**

**"Oh, dirty work, eh? Fine, I'll defeat all of you!" He clashes with all three men and they all get blasted away by a force. **

**"Ragh!" The ground shakes to have a glowing Lu Bu (642nd place) walk up stairs and glare at everyone. **

**"Xiahou Dun... I think I'll be taking 9 of yours..."**

**"Bite me." He dodges blows from Sun Ce, Sun Quan, and Zhou Tai. And grabs Sun Quan to throw him at Lu Bu.**

**"Aaaaah!" Lu Bu slaps him away from him and he makes a crater in the wall. **

**"Ha! That's not going to stop me!" He charges forward to push away attacks from Zhou Tai and Sun Ce and grabs Xiahou Dun by the throat.**

**"Gah!"**

**"Too slow." He snaps off the 9 and it gets absorbed into his 642. **

**Xiahou Dun: (651st place)**

**Lu Bu: (9th place)**

**"Damn you..." He is let go and Lu Bu turns away from him. right when he does that, something barrels into his abdomen and he coughs.**

**"KA!" The 9 breaks off from this force and a hand grabs it. The force sends Lu Bu flying into Xiahou Dun, Zhou Tai, and Sun Ce all together. They crash out of the building in a meteor-like blast. **

**"Yay! I got it!" Guan Yinping (9th place) jumps and up and down as she gets her newly-acquired rank. She looks down to see Sima Yi (8th place) lying on the ground.**

**"...It's only one place above... Oh why not?" She approaches him, and is about to grab the 8, but a door opens quickly to have Ma Chao (522nd place) charge in.**

**"Ah-ha! I'm not letting you have the 8! That's going to be mine!"**

**"You don't deserve it!"**

**"I've been here longer than you!"**

**"You just yell out justice all day!"**

**"Certainly, I'm doing more than you."**

**"No, you're not!"**

**"Want to fight about it?"**

**"Yeah, why not?" She gets up quickly to get into those cartoon fighting dust clouds with Ma Chao. They move away from the bodies and when they were out of the area, Sima Yi opens his eyes and gets up slowly.**

**"Ngh. Gah. Nragh." He clutches his back as he got up. "He stretches himself and a loud crack is heard."**

**"Ggh... haaaa...I guess Xiahou Dun helped me out there." He kicks Sima Fu.**

**"Get up." Sima Fu groans. **

**"Oh, right there... Oh, that feels so good... Zhen Ji... Wang Yi... Chun-" Sima Yi kicks him in the abdomen.**

**"AH!" Sima Fu wakes up to curl up clutching his stomach.**

**"Why'd you do that...?"**

**"You were fantasizing about your sister-in-law."**

**"No, I wasn't... Come on! You're so funny..."**

**"..." Sima Yi stares at him with a blank/slightly annoyed expression. Sima Fu breaks and yells at him, "HOW CAN YOU NOT?! YOU GAY OR SOMETHING? THAT IS A HOT PIECE OF ASS THERE! EXCUSE ME FOR FLATTERING HER!"**

**"I have self-control."  
**

**"Ohhh, the great Sima Yi can keep his pants on, but can't even not laugh his ass off when someone falls down stairs."**

**"It's funny."**

**"Oh? Then that scene of you saying "A dike? Oh no!" should be considered comedy gold."**

**"How do you know about that?!"**

**"Please. I get to see that so many times when I was spending time with your sons. They love to replay it. Hahaha... Let me do an impression. A dike? Oh no! Or is it more "Oh no" than "A dike"? Hahahaha! Either way, it's hilarious. HahHhahahahah-KPH!" Sima Yi punches him in the face and he crumples down unconscious. **

**"Didn't know you were so weak." He taps Sima Fu with his foot and he doesn't respond.**

**"Well. That's that." Takasugi walks out of a random door and takes out a bag of chips noisily. Sima Yi slaps the chip bag away from him.**

**"Hey!"**

**"You've eaten enough! You're making people attracted to me!"**

**"Who wouldn't be?"**

**"Not that kind of attraction!"**

**"You're making more noise than I could ever do with a chip bag."**

**"Kmph...!" Footsteps are heard and they turn to see Jia Chong (17th place).**

**"Meh, it's only one person."**

**"Uhh... no..." The walls around Jia Chong explode to have a mad Lu Xun (140th place) dash past him and towards Sima Yi. Takasugi runs towards Sima Yi yelling,****"Angry fire midget coming this way!" He picks up the unconscious Sima Fu and Sima Yi yells at him,"That's not me!"**

**"I know that! But no one should suffer Lu Xun's wrath." They run dragging Sima Fu along the ground. Lu Xun continues to chase them and he yells out to Sima Yi,"Make this easy and just give up that 8!"**

**"No! Besides, that 140 is much better suiting for you." This causes Lu Xun to create flames under Sima Yi and he jumps over them.**

**"Ha! Nice try!" Takasugi looks down and tells Sima Yi,"Um... I think you should put that out..."**

**"Put what out?"**

**"Pants. On fire." Sima Yi looks down to see Sima Fu's pants in flames.**

**"Ahhh!" He tries to stomp out the flames while running, but he trips. Lu Xun throws a fireball at Sima Yi and he jumps up to continue running while dragging Sima Fu along the ground. **

**"Sima Yi..."**

**"What?"**

**"His... pants..." They look down to see Sima Fu's pants hanging down below his waistline. **

**"Put his pants back on!"**

**"I'm not touching that! You're his brother, you do it!"**

**"I don't want to do it!"**

**"Well, I'm not either!" As they were continuing to drag Sima Fu against the ground, his pants slide off to expose his "area" that was censored by a mosaic. Sima Yi angrily yells out,"He's embarrassing me!"**

**"Really? Because most men would be happy as hell to know they have that."**

**"He's letting it all hang out!"**

**"And who's fault is that? You didn't want to pull them up." They were still dragging Sima Fu along the ground so that the ground was sliding against his crotch. **

**"Cover it up! He's exposing my dick to anyone who comes through here!"**

**"It's pixelated, people would just see dots as his crotch." **

**"What's the weird trail?" asked Sima Yi. The two look behind them to see a thin trail being made as they ran.**

**"WHAT THE F*BLEEP* IS THAT?!"**

**"Is he peeing? Is he jizzing? Is his dick being worn down like some piece of chalk?!"**

**"Just lift Fu off the ground!"**

**"He's heavy!"**

**"He'll lose his ability to produce heirs!"**

**"I doubt he needs to! He has your sons to do that for him!" Lu Xun behind them looks down to see that trail. He stops to make a disgusted face.**

**"What is that?! Is that pee? Ew! I'm not going near you guys!" Lu Xun runs away from the three. They stop to drop Sima Fu.**

**"On the bright side, Sima Fu here still has a chance to copulate properly."**

**"Phht. Hehehe... No... hahaha... he's not even married... heheh... Nice one." Sima Fu groans and rolls around to eventually get up. **

**"Ahhhh... Huh? Hey, where are my pants? And my crotch feels a bit stingy... Oh no, I better not get a sexual transmitted disease."**

**"That's if you had sex."**

**"Seriously, where are my pants?"**

**"They got burned off by Lu Xun."**

**"..."**

**"I don't have any extra pants on me. Why are you looking at me?"**

**"You're expecting me to go around without my pants? Especially when this is your body. Copied in all areas."**

**"..." Sima Yi snaps his finger for pants to magically appear on Sima Fu. **

**"Happy?"**

**"Well, are you? I'm not walking around here letting your dirty bits out there for everyone to see." A tall cloaked figure walks up to them. The two turn to look at it with dissatisfied faces.**

**"You don't even need the cloak..."**

**"It's so obvious..." The figure angrily removes his cloak to reveal Wen Yang (136th place).**

**"Okay! Geez!"**

**"Why are you here? You going to attack me for this 8?"**

**"No! This popularity poll is tearing everyone apart! Don't you see the pain and suffering people are causing just for some number?" **

**"...No?"**

**"How can you?! You're too much of sociopath to even know what pain is unless you're is the one inflicting it!" yelled Sima Fu to Sima Yi.**

**"Well, well. Hello, Mr. Benevolence."**

**"Now that I think about it, why are there two Sima Yi-s?" The two look stare at Wen Yang for a minute. **

**The camera switches to outside the building. **

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" A giant laser beam is seem shooting out with Wen Yang at its end. He flies upwards into the sky to eventually make a blink in the sky.**


	10. End

**Guo Jia (4th place) wanders around the hallways. He mutters to himself,"Darn. I'm alone. I'll get ambushed if I keep like this..." A staff is swung near him, and Guo Jia dodges it just in time.**

**"Gh!" He steps backwards to see Zhou Yu (25th place) walk in front of him.**

**"Guo Jia. Funny, you barely were added to this cast and yet you get 4th. I'm baffled."**

**"You're just jealous I took your place as "prettiest man" here."**

**"Hmph. I make women flock over to me with just a hair flip."  
**

**"I can do that too."**

**"Not as well as me."**

**"You're married. Ha! Me: one. You: zero!"**

**"That may be true, but at least I found someone. Unlike you, who constantly commits so much debauchery to fill up your empty hole inside."**

**"At least I have freedom."**

**"From what? You're just going to get chased by angry women you've made empty promises to."**

**"Oh no! I'm not getting this talk from someone in 25th place!"**

**"Not for long." Zhou Yu dashes into Guo Jia with his staff and the end stabs Guo Jia in the abdomen.**

**"Hgh!"**

**"Let the fires of Hell engulf you." Flames appear around them and they are about to cover Guo Jia until a blast of wind puts thme out.**

**"Huh?" Zhou Yu turns to see Zhuge Liang (376th place) holding his fan. **

**"I am not finished yet. That 4 is going to be mine."**

**"I was here first."**

**"Hmph, then we shall see who can get to him first-" The two turn to see Guo Jia gone. **

**"Damn it! He ran off!" Guo Jia runs down stairs and is stopped by Gan Ning (40th place) and Ling Tong (30th place) at the bottom.**

**"Hi. I'll be taking off that 4 off your hands."**

**"No, me!"**

**"F*bleep* off! It's gonna be me!" The two bicker and Guo Jia runs back up the stairs. The wall near those stairs explodes to have Sima Shi (7th place) charge into him through the pieces of drywall. His blade cuts off a sliver of Guo Jia's hair as he bends downwards to dodge the attack. He runs more down the hallway and sees Wang Yuanji (973th place) holding many knives and she simultaneously throws them all at him. Guo Jia is pressed against the wall and all of the knives hit around him on the wall. **

**"** Tā māde niǎo**_..._!" (Goddamn!) He gets off the wall and opens a door into a random room. He comes out of another room in another area of the building. He bumps into Jia Chong (17th place) who looks at him with an evil grin.**

**"Oh hello there." **

**"AH!" Guo Jia shuts the door to let Jia Chong's ax get stuck onto it. At another area of the building, Guo Jia opens his door and peeks around through the slit he made. He slowly walks out and his head gets caught between a pair of breasts.**

**"...Please be Wang Yi or Cai Wenji or Zhen Ji. Please be Wang Yi or Cai Wenji or Zhen Ji." He looks up see Wang Yuanji glaring at him.**

**"Okay, this is the last pair of breasts I want to be stuck between in." Guo Jia quickly gets away and runs off, but knives are thrown to his sleeves and collar, causing him to be attached onto a wall with his back facing out.**

**"Hey, hey! I bring death! Deeeeeath!"**

**"Nice try. I don't believe in that."**

**"Ah, it was worth a shot." Wang Yuanji walks up to him and is about to take the 4 until the walls around her explode to have Sima Shi, Gan Ning, Ling Tong, Sun Ce (44th place), Zhou Yu, Zhuge Liang, Ma Chao (522nd), and Guan Yinping (9th place) come at her all sides.****  
**

**"Oh my god!" This creates a large brawl that takes in everyone into a giant cartoon fighting cloud. A few limbs knock off some of the knives that is making Guo Jia stuck onto the wall.**

**"Yes!" Guo Jia uses his freed hand to pry off knives and he sneaks off as everyone beats each other up. He runs more into the hallway and takes many turns. He stops to breath deeply.**

**"Ugh... huff... huff... I... damn... so..." A blade goes near his neck. **

**"Hello again, Guo Jia. I shall be taking that 4 now." Guo Jia slowly turns to see Wang Yi (8th place).**

**"How...? Did you get to Sima Yi?"**

**"No, I teamed up with those three from before, remember?"**

**"4 means death!"**

**"I bring death. 4 is perfect for me then."**

**"Oh look, Ma Chao's over there!" **

**"Where?" **

**"He was over there. Beating up this little girl."**

**"Ugh, he's back to his old self. He is my ultimate target and is more important then you." Wang Yi runs off, leaving Guo Jia making a relieved expression.**

**"Thank god..." He goes up to a random door and opens that. He sees Zhao Yun (1st place) sitting down in the room holding his knees near his chest. They look at each other for minute before Zhao Yun suddenly runs towards another door in the room.**

**"Wait! Come back!" **

**"No! You're like the others!" Guo Jia chases Zhao Yun into many random doors and rooms before Zhao Yun runs into a dead end.**

**"No way!"**

**"Hey! Just trust me!"**

**"No! I'm first and everyone is looking for me! You're no different! Luckily, you're a stick!" He runs into Guo Jia, knocking him down.**

**"Gah! No! And I'm not a stick!" He gets up quickly and chases after Zhao Yun some more. But the two see another mob and they turn the other way at the same time so they are running next to each other.**

* * *

**Sima Fu says to Sima Yi (8th place), "Are you sure Xun Yu is okay?"**

**"Why are you worried? He's fine.'**

**"You say that about everyone."**

**"Because everyone is a grown man/woman and can take care of themselves. Except Xiahou Ba, Xiao Qiao, and Da Qiao. They're stuck like that forever." He hears crunching noises and he turns to see Takasugi eating a bag of chips while leaning on the wall in front of them.**

**"Gh! You bastard! You'll attract attention here!"**

**"Come on, no one is going to hear chips and say, "Sima Yi's here. I can feel it."**

**"AHHHHHHHHH!" **

**"Hm?" They all turn to see Guo Jia and Zhao Yun running at the same time and Guo Jia turns to see Zhao Yun right next to him.**

**"I thought you were trying to get away from me."**

**"I just realized you can do much to me."**

**"Hey!" Guo Jia stops and hides behind the two Simas while Zhao Yun runs past them and turns a corner until he is no longer seen.**

**"Who are you running from?"**

**"The League of**** Extraordinary Ladies." said Takasugi when he looked behind the corner.**

**"Huh?" They see a mob of DW women turn the corner and towards the three. Sima Yi takes Guo Jia and holds him up.**

**"He's yours."**

**"STOP OFFERING ME TO PEOPLE LIKE IF I WERE SOME BARGAINING CHIP!"**

**"Well, you are to me." Sima Yi drops him and runs off with Sima Fu. Takasugi opens a door and goes into a room as the ladies were getting closer to him.**

**"Gah! Damn you!" Guo Jia runs quickly after Sima Yi and he grabs onto a piece of cloth on Sima Yi as they were running.**

**"Let go! you'll rip it!"**

**"You're fast. I'll just hold onto you."**

**"I'm not a horse you can grab from behind!"**

**"Well, your name-GPKMPH!" Sima Yi uses one of his legs to kick him in the face. Guo Jia clutches his face in pain and he trips on his feet.**

**"Whoa!" He falls down still clutching onto the piece of cloth on Sima Yi's robes. A loud thud is heard and the women behind them were slightly blushing or were looking down attentively. Sima Fu looks back at Sima Yi. **

**"Hey, what happened back there-Kmphheh!" He covers his mouth and had tears coming out of his eyes.**

**"What's so funny, Fu?"**

**"Where...kmph! Hahahahaha! Koff! Hahaha!" He laughs hysterically while coughing. He calms down for a moment.**

**"Yi... Where are your pants...? Hehahahahah!" **

**"Huh?" Sima Yi looks down while he was running and his face turns bright red and steam was being emitted from his face. His forehead veins also pop up. He brakes using his heels and turns sharply. His body glows red and then charges into the women mob. He sends many flying away from him to get to Guo Jia lying on the ground.**

**"GIVE ME MY FUCKING PANTS, YOU PIECE OF BLONDE DOG SHIT!" Sima Yi kicks Guo Jia with extreme strength and rips his pants away from him.**

**"GOWAH! WHY?!"**

**"You fucking ripped my pants off when you fell!" **

**"...Ugh... My ribs..." Takasugi pops out from a random room near them.**

**"Oops, the bleep machine broke. Looks like we're listening to Sima Yi's potty mouth now. " Sima Yi has his pants on and saw the women were chasing down Sima Fu.**

**"I suppose he's of use for now." He sees Guo Jia curled up clutching his stomach.**

**"Ow, ow, ow, ow... Why...? I just fell and ripped your pants off... But why kick me?! At least you're wearing something underneath!"**

**"I am ashamed now!"**

**"But your rank isn't dropping."  
**

**"Huh, that's right. Why?" Takasugi walks out of a different room near them.**

**"Well, we gave the audience some fanservice."**

**"They barely saw anything!"**

**"Doesn't matter. As long you exist, they'll take any moment to see your lower parts."**

**"Anyway, because it's rare to see any part of you, it's not shame but fanservice."**

**"What if Guo Jia does it?"**

**"Than it's shame because the audience is already tired to looking at his anything."**

**"Hey! That's not true!"**

**"I'll put this nicely then. It's expected for you to be running around with no pants. For Sima Yi, it's a gift to the fans." Another door opens to have Sima Fu run out panting he shuts the door.**

**"For some reason, all of the women have an 8 on their heads." Guo Jia slowly stands up and points at Sima Yi,"He spread his disease and now every women has it!"**

**"It wasn't my fault! I was not myself and Chunhua took advantage of me!"**

**"Now what? They'll want Guo Jia next and then everyone will have 4th place!"**

**"Not as long I have my lucky-"**

**"Nothing about you is lucky. 4 means death, you carry AIDS-"**

**"No, I don't! It's a rumor."**

**"Sure." The door near them opens quickly to have Zhen Ji (8th place). She sees them and Sima Yi snaps his fingers quickly to have a black hole under her appear.**

**"Nope! Get out of here!"**

**"This has no effect on me!" She plays her flute and the hole get disoriented and eventually is destroyed.**

**"Now, hand over Guo Jia."**

**"Sure, he's yours. I'm not protecting him."**

**"HEY! Take... Crap, there's only me...Sorry, Zhen Ji, but I've got to do this."**

**"Huh?" Guo Jia takes out his staff and hits Zhen Ji incredibly hard so that she gets thrown back into that room. He shuts the door and jams it using a random potted plant. **

**"They can just use another door."**

**Zhang Chunhua walks through a door and Guo Jia runs up to take out his scepter.**

**"Sorry, but I've got to do this!" He hits her in the stomach and she coughs out to collapse down on the ground. Sima Yi yells at him,"That was totally unnecessary!"**

**"I was scared! I had to react!"**

**"So whacking her with her stick will do the trick?"**

**"I think her uterus died..." commented Takasugi.**

**"Gghghgh...uh..." She has the white ghost thing floating out of her mouth. The 8 above her head increases rapidly into a 999. A voice is heard from another room.**

**"WHAT?! HOW THE HELL AM I 999?!" More yelling that you can tell were female were heard around the area. Sima Fu sweats profusely and tells Sima Yi,"Get the body out of here before the ladies find out Guo Jia knock all of them down to 999."**

**"Body? She's not dead."**

**"She looks dead." **

**"Yikes..." Guo Jia nervously goes near Sima Yi.**

**"I'm SO sorry I killed your wife... Never thought I'd say that in a hundred years."**

**"She's not dead!"**

**"She looks really dead. I can see the color leaving her. She looks like me when I was going to die back at Bailang."**

**"Oh, she's fine. I can prove it." Sima Yi goes near Zhang CHunhua and dangles a set of keys over her.**

**"Look, keys." He jingles them and everyone yells at him,"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"**

**"I was joking."**

**"You're an awful husband! You're the worst everything!"**

**"Alright, I'll just slap her." **

**"That's domestic abuse!"**

**"...It's not if you're trying to... Fine." Sima Yi pokes Zhang Chunhua's chest. **

**"...Eh? What are you doing?"**

**"It always make her spring up to punch me." He continues to poke her in the chest.**

**"Why isn't this working?" He stops and gets up. **

**"She's not budging." Guo Jia yells at him,"Hurry up! Those ladies will come after us once they see us with her body!" **

**"So do we take it?"**

**"We're going to have to in order to throw off them. I'll carry-"**

**"Yeah. No. I know you want to stare at her behind as you are holding her."**

**"What?! No! You'e funny, Sima Yi." Guo Jia gets a blank stare from Sima Yi.**

**"Yeah, you're right..." Takasugi away from their sights, sneaks a gun into Zhang Chunhua's dress.**

**"Well, you guys seem to be doing so well. I'll go and leave."**

**"That was redundant."**

**"You're redundant." Takasugi quickly walks away from them.**

* * *

**Sima Yi was carrying Zhang Chunhua by letting her body lie on his shoulder. Guo Jia looks at the unconscious body and looks at where her hands were.**

**"Her hands are tapping your butt with every step you take..."**

**"She's unconscious, she doesn't know what she's touching in this state."**

**"And her butt's in your face."**

**"So?"**

**"What if she farts?"**

**"Women don't fart."**

**"Yes, they do! You just never actually seen them do it!"**

**"Have you?"**

**"Er... No... yeah... No, I've never seen that."**

**"Then you can't just warn me on something you yourself has never experienced." **

**"Nrrgh... yeah... right there..." Zhang Chunhua mutters random phrases in her unconscious state. **

**"She's awake?"**

**"Mmh... Zhongda..."**

**"Oh, that's nice of her to be referring to you like that."**

**"No... I don't want to go to change Zhao... I did it last week..."**

**"I'm confused... Why does she go from sex to changing a baby's diaper?"**

**"...Instant noodles..."**

**"I'm even more confused. Is she okay? Did I hit her too hard to the point her IQ hits two digits?"**

**"38...24...34..."**

**"Ooh, I know her measurements now." *He's talking about the bust, waistline, and rear sizes***

**"Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right... I don't know the rest... please stop interrogating me..."**

**"Scary." **

**"And then... when I was 17..."**

**"What? What happened? Come on! Don't just say that and not say anything!"**

**"You know she can't hear you, right?" Sima Fu was walking backwards while facing Sima Yi.**

**"Why are you doing that?"**

**"I'm just... looking out for your rear..."**

**"You're looking at a different rear."**

**"What? No! That's awful! Why would I do that? Haha! Nice one!"**

**"..."**

**"Yeah, I should turn around." **

**"Mmrgh..." Guo Jia sees Zhang Chunhua starting to move and he see her hands tapping Sima Yi's behind.**

**"...Huh? What is this? A purple pillow...? She squeezes Sima Yi's behind and he jumps with a yelp. He tosses her away out the window in a panic. **

**"AHHHHHH!" Guo Jia yells at Sima Yi,"Why'd you do that?!"**

**"I thought something grabbed me and I threw her as a reflex!"**

**"She was waking up and thought your ass was a pillow and you threw her out the window like some piece of trash!"**

**"For your information, I throw Zhao out the window. The trash is too good for the window." A hand is seen clasped onto the window pane. Another hand extends to pull up Zhang Chunhua (999th place) back into the building. Sima Yi pushes Sima Fu in his way and runs. Sima Fu yells at him and grabs him by the collar to drag him back. **

**"Wait... why are there two Sima Yi-s?" Guo Jia whistles and steps back away from the three. **

**"None of my business... Totally not..."**

**"You hit me, it is your business."**

**"Bye." Guo Jia runs away to hide behind the corner. The gun that Takasugi planted before drops on the ground from Zhang Chunhua's dress. She bends down to pick it up and examines it. **

**"What is this...?" She accidentally presses the trigger that flies past Sima Fu's head.**

**"Ah! Did it hit me? Is there blood?" Sima Yi then pulls him towards himself and sticks him in the way of Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Shoot him."**

**"No! Shoot him!"**

**"Come on! This is totally Sima Yi."**

**"No! That one is!" **

**"Come on, this is totally the impostor."**

**"No, that one!" Zhang Chunhua aims the gun to both of them.**

**"I need the real one."**

**"He is!"**

**"He is!"**

**"Fine. Here's a little trivia. When's our anniversary?"**

**"A bit cliche, don't you think?" said the both of them.**

**"Oh, this will be an interesting one." ****Sima Yi says slowly,"January...8...201...?" *not the actual date, Sima Yi's making it up***

**Sima Fu says,"Trick question. We both don't know." **

**Sima Fu gets shots fired into him rapidly and he flails in pain.**

**"Ah! Ah! Gah! Ow! Ah! NO! AH! STOP! THESE HURT!" He falls down covered in bullets. **

**"Why...?"**

**"Sima Yi would say that." Sima Yi turns around to whisper "yes" in triumph. **

**"Damn it... You sent me up!' Sima Yi was already running away from the bullet covered Sima Fu. He then whispers to himself. ****"To be honest, I sort of liked that..." Zhang Chunhua looks down to say quickly. ****"What?"**

**"What?"**

**"Wait, who are you?"  
**

**"Sima Fu. I just have his body... ugh..." **

**"I thought... I didn't think that through..." He looks up to see her gone. **

**"Aw..."**

* * *

**Guo Jia chases after Sima Yi and he yells at him,"Hey! You left that-"**

**"Who cares? I'm going to die if I let her get to me! Wait..." He stops and grabs Guo Jia to throw him into the path of Zhang Chunhua who was chasing after them.**

**"OH, I HATE YOU." Guo Jia gets up quickly to dodge several shots and he takes out his scepter. He spins it in his hands to reflect bullets away from him. Sima Yi sarcastically claps from afar.**

**"Ooh, stereotypical action sequence." Guo Jia then summons balls to hit Zhang Chunhua repeatedly into a room.**

**"Ow! Ow!" Once she was in there, Guo Jia quickly shuts it to nail boards all over the door. Bullets shoot around him to make a him-shaped pattern with the bullet holes.**

**"Instead of trying to keep her inside, why don't we just get out of here?"**

**"What about Xun Yu?"**

**"Forget him! I'm getting out of here!"**

**"What about You number 2?"**

**"Forget him too." Sima Yi runs off and Guo Jia chases after him. They come across stairs and run up them. The door opens to have them walk out onto a roof. **

**"At least we're outside. Huff..."**

**"I don't remember this building being here though..." Sima Yi goes to the railing to see how high he was above the ground.**

**"...I don't think we're capable of building these types of buildings now that I think about it." **

**"Look at how many generics have gathered around this place!" Below at the base of the building, many generics break into the building's entrance and some are even breaking away at the foundation.**

**"What now? Can't you just transport us?"**

**"I can't. I'm exhausted and I can't perform anything."**

**"What?! Are you to just stand here and wait for this building to collapse?" The door to the roof opens to walk in Xun Yu.**

**"Found you two. I expected for someone to get to the roof."**

**"Oh you're still fine after all of those brawls." **

**"Of course. I am not of value after all."**

**"Anyway, teleport us away from here. I'm exhausted and can't do it."**

**"Mm-hm." Suddenly, Xun Yu knocks those two off the roof and they fall towards the angry mobs of generics and some unique officers. **

**"Huh? AHHHHHHH!"**

**"Damn it, this is why I hate the new officers! You can't never trust them! Look at Jia Xu!"**

**"Come on! I thought all of us were friends!"**

**"Since when?! GAH!" **

**"GAH!" They fall directly on their backs and the generics and unique officers look at them for a minute.**

**"Ooooohhhh... shit..." The officers dogpile them in a large cloud of punches.**

* * *

**Xun Yu is seen walking away from the building and explosions blew destroy it, with the debris covering anyone within the building. **

**"Finally, it's over." He removes his hat to have (1st place) pop up and removes his robes to reveal armor. He unties his hair to retie it into a different ponytail and puts on a green headband. Takasugi walks up to him.**

**"So how long were you in Xun Yu's clothing, Zhao Yun?"**

**"At last minute. I found him lying on the ground mumbling about boxes and food."**

**"Well, you helped in restarting the ranks. Those explosives are activated through when all top tens are finished off in some way. Yay, exposition!"**

**"How did Diao Chan get attacked without...?"**

**"She happened to be outside when Lu Bu and Xiahou Dun were blown away and she... well... two big men falling down doesn't end well for anyone that's under the two big men."**

**"Man, Xun Yu's going to have an earful from Sima Yi and Guo Jia after that stunt you pulled."**

**"Not my problem." Ringing is heard and Takasugi takes out his phone to answer it.**

**"Oh good! Finally! Yes!" He hangs up and claws away at the air to tear away the background to reveal a hole. He walks through it and the hole closes.**

* * *

**A few men were looking at a screen and they were making faces.**

**"Man..."**

**"That's gonna take a while to fix..." Takasugi walks by and stops to see them. **

**"What'cha doing?"**

**"What ever you did, the characters don't look too good."**

**"Let me see." Takasugi looks at the screen to see a video feed of Sima Shi with half of his body being black static. He is attempting to eat a meatbun, but he only made a half-bite on the bun. **

**"What's with his left side? It's all ziggy zaggy and moving like crazy."**

**"That explosion that caught anyone in it caused their code to be messed up, thus causing these weird giant spaces of static on their bodies."**

**"So?"**

**"We have to postpone DW8 Empires even later before they can recover!"**

**"Aw... Wait, what happened with Xun Yu?"**

**"It was so bad, he returned back to his generic body."**

**"Whoa. That bad."**

**"Luckily, this change is temporary. But... it just doesn't look good."**

* * *

**Sima Yi and Guo Jia sit in a table having some of their limbs or parts of their body being pure static. They had glaring eyes directed at a generic Xun Yu who was sitting there confused.**

**"Why are you two giving me that look?"**

**"I don't know. You knocked us off the building to get pummeled by angry officers."**

**"I can't believe you would do this! I trusted you!"**

**"Huh...? Wait... What? When did I knock you two off the building...?"**

**"Oh, you're playing dumb, huh?"**

**"You were right there and you hit us off! How can you not remember?"**

**"I still don't understand what's going on..." **

**"Mm-hm. Go ahead and forget you tried to kill the both of us. I hope you stay in that generic form..."**

**"What?"**

**"What? Nothing. Fu, get me more tea." A generic scholar character walks up to Sima Yi. **

**"I'm not your servant. Besides, you owe me."**

**"You're a generic, so you have no say."**

**"Ugh. At least I have facial hair unlike someone here..." He walks away and Sima Yi is seen with a vein popping out of his forehead. Guo Jia gets in Xun Yu's face,"Because of you, I have np dick! It's just black stuff that just lags around down there!"**

**"Well, I'm sorry the only reason women will look at you is gone. But I don't recall being the cause." Guo Jia grabs Xun Yu by the collar.**

**"What did you say?! Don't forget you're a generic now!" Sima Yi mutters to himself,"I wish you two stayed back to your generic selves..."**

**"What?"**

**"What? I didn't say anything. Must be the wind." He faces towards you and breaks the 4th wall.**

**"Ah! What's the weird blinking eye...?" He walks up to get a even closer look and his face is literally in your face. He lifts a finger to tap the glass and a robotic voice is heard.**

**"Character found camera. Self-destruct mode on."**

**"Huh? Ah!" A huge explosion blows Sima Yi away and the screen turns into static.**


End file.
